This job, this place has meant so many things to me. In this office I was called to say goodbye to my only sibling before he chose to die. Here is where I sat on the day of my father’s funeral, and the passing of my dear grandmother Gwen, both of whom were a part of my life until this year.
I fancy that the very tenements which give women social equality in our world are those which destroy it, that men and women are equally culpable for the thoughtlessness with which we, in our existential ignorance, are trashing our space and killing each other over access to resources. Women as a group have had a lot to profit from the industrial revolution, and boy have we.
Sometimes I think about you, when life is difficult. I imagine you sitting beside me and we are listening to Cat Stevens together:
I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never
He wakes up on a beach and it is a sunny day. He sits up, and dusting sand off his arm finds it covered in the finest sleeve. Ooh he thinks, my nails look nice. Gazing down he sees himself in a dark plum suit.
I love you, Bet.
I love you, Estelle.
You know me oh-so
Very well
Please tell me if
You dream of me
I’ll tell you Bet
I will, you’ll see!
P2
See Bet, and dentist
Oh the dread!
She remembered what last night
Her mother had said
If it hurts you just go
To your most happy place
It’s a place where you know
That you’ll always feel safe
You can go there and rest
Even if you never love the flowers like I do
Even though this world may never see what I can see
It does not mean this language I have read was never true
It does not mean this message I was sent was not for me
Even as the snow is falling this becomes my choice
Even with the era ending I will persevere
You may judge my photos, underestimate my voice
In these rare and precious moments when I find myself alone, I write. The sheer size of information I collect each day is painful. I feel it spilling out onto my pillow at night, energies of bits and bytes not needed, smells I did not want to smell and stories I did not need to hear.
Sometimes I feel too many things for one person. I am heartbroken, weary, heavy with sorrow. I am hopeful and in love with you, in love with life and our world. These poles of myself are stretched so taut that some days the polarities seem indistinguishable from one another. Though I feel so many competing intensities in this moment, I am not conflicted. I am wholly me.
Tracy Barnett from theesperanzaproject.org sent us a Mayan Calendar in original Mayan, translated to Spanish, and we are translating from Spanish to you. If you want to see September, do an Evolver search on TaraStar, she and I are translating the calendar's prophesies each month to count down to December 2012. If you want the text in Spanish, please let me know.
I just realized that I've never written on the subject of Feng Shui, wind and water. It's my first esoteric love, the philosophy that moved me towards an awakening in life. It's a tool that helps me manipulate the physical environment to elicit the response I want, from anyone, given the time and permission to control our surroundings. It’s magic.
You are destined to repeat the mistakes of your parents, of your line, on some level. The fact that they went through it doesn’t mean you won't, it means you may choose a different path when those choices present themselves. Over and over these things have happened to your people, as they are happening to you.
Deep inside my mind, I am bioluminescent. It is blue-green, or is it purple?
I illuminate when I’ve done something novel or have a new emotion, what body and I have never felt or seen before. They rush to it like magnetic light sensors, poring over and recording the information. Cooling it for storage.
It’s one of those days you know, when things are changing. Like the day on the dock at Artica, when my son’s clear eyes began to understand, how I saw he started recording. Next to Head of Buffalo someone fashioned out of old things, the wise man told us that this was a new day, a new life. Each moment we breathe out the past world and breathe in the new. Breathe in, breathe out.
I do wish he was here. I wish so many things. I wish this life was not so often heavy and complicated, that I could be present every moment in grace. I am not hot or cold. I do not have poison ivy. I am not in physical discomfort.
"Banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we have been waiting for." — Hopi elders
