Albany kid requesting help

Ok well, my experiences tripping fit the Grof paradigm of working sort of backwards through life events to the birth trauma which is a big one, and has symbolic significance of sort of a long dark night of the soul, and then a titanic struggle.This is essentially the old ego getting sort of eaten alive by all the stuff it was built to repress and defend against and right now I'm pretty sure I'm at the very end of this process. In addition, I've had more and more detailed, emotional dreams. I can remember throughout my life I've had dreams that were sort of shamanic, involving labyrinths and cities in the sky. One of my recent dreams had a guy in a business suit promise me protection if I called on him.I also have a lot of dreams where something is trying to kill me, though there is less and less fear associated with it lately.
I've had weird trance states one of which god appeared as a ball of lightning and levitated me over to my bedroom window. this trance was vivid enough to make me think it was physically "real" until I snapped out of it.
I also feel like I am remembering things that didn't happen to me in this lifetime, not full memories but more like glimmers of things.
Finally I have a lot of the characteristics of a shaman, I am eccentric with a very odd sense of humor, and I've always felt a great sense of empathy for suffering people.
And despite all of this, there is still a sense of doubt as to whether I am making all of this up. When I try to convince other people I am half trying to convince myself that I'm not just making excuses for being lazy and useless, which has been the case with me lately. So yeah, i could really use some help.

Well I don't have a community trusting me, but I do have a genuine desire to help people. I was raised as a white kid in upper middle class suburbs and it still bothered me hearing the bad shit in the world that was reported on the news.
I don't know to be honest. I do know that every part of my personality is being like run through a program and overwritten while i sleep.
And of course I know who Terence Mckenna is.

Hey so I am reviving this topic because I am requesting help. I am in fact being initiated as a Shaman. I've had dismemberment, various tortures and whatnot, seeing power animals, strong impulses to heal, weird dreams everything. Thing is I have no practical help from anyone in my life, and I still haven't experienced death and rebirth. I am in Geneseo right now, trying to handle college life, and of course I can't. I feel that my life is falling apart, with no real help in sight. I am terrifying of trying to do the death rebirth thing by myself without any proper guidance. Can someone please help me with this, in any way possible?