Questions on Soul Mates

I’ve always been the kind of person that is full of answers. I look around and see so many problems and my mind is always whirring with solutions and possibilities, humming and sometimes screaming out the answers. But at the end of the day, I just end up with a lot of questions with no answers and although I am learning to be content with that, there are still some big questions that really bother me and keep me from resting easy. And the biggest questions, that concern every single one of us, are so overwhelming that I can only think of them in small doses. Instead, smaller questions about my own life, and the people in it, seem to give me plenty to chew on.
Like, what is a soul mate? Are we entities that knew each other in a past life, were we the same entity in a past life, or destined to combine in some future life? Is my soul mate the physical manifestation of my own “other” side? Can I have more than one soul mate in my life, or more than one at a time? What if you meet your soul mate and the timing is all off? Can the timing really be off? What about the other deep connections, are they soul mates, too? Are there degrees of soul mates, some vibrating stronger than others?
I think I know the answers. I think that we do have soul mates, that different phases of our life require different soul mates and that there is probably one person for each other person with whom we vibrate at the highest frequency and are the most “one” with already. It seems plausible that soul mates are created by either coming into contact with each other in a past or future life or actually being of the same soul in a past or future life (or for all of them, for that matter.) I think about time and reality and the ways we are all connected. I think about my intuition. I think about how when I meet certain people, I just know that we have certain tasks to accomplish together in the future, though it takes time to sort out what the task is. I wonder if that intuition is real, or just wishful thinking? I wonder if I am just attracted to certain people, or if there is really something more holding some of us in this tight little orbit once we meet (possibly orbiting before we even meet?) I wonder if I have any control over any of this. I don’t think I do.
But most of all, I think about looking in your eyes, and how every time I do I get lost in a world of possibilities that are far from bearing fruit. I look at the tender blossoms and beg them quietly to grow, I send them warm sunshine beams of love, and my tears from a far send a little rain to nurture those tendrils of emotional entanglement. But I cannot look away. I try to avoid you. I try to make it not true. I try to ignore the voice in my head that screams “you’re the one” every time I think of you, dream of you, or see you, since to my brain, it is all the same, anyways. I tell myself that some other “one” is out there, searching for me, needing me. And I know that all those other ones are out there, and that they need me just as much as I need them, and I must help them or everything I have ever worked for and every talent I am blessed with will melt away, but I want you. I want to look into your eyes every day, and not just by looking up at the achingly blue sky. I want to touch your face every day, and not just the trunk of the tree outside of my house that you would climb if you were here. I want to hold you close to me and press our third eyes together again so I can feel for just a moment more what it is like to truly be one with another human being, instead of just remembering that moment every second, waiting on its return.
I know that you see people truly, like I do. I know that we are both beginners on a long, hard path. I know that you have many people that you must help along the way, as do I. I know that we walk the same path, yet we can never seem to actually walk it side by side, needing to always go forwards and backwards for our friends that get distracted along the way. Each time we do get to join hands for a moment on this path, I feel us both floating, forgetting there is a path or a purpose at all, because we just look at each other, and go somewhere else, somewhere where the right time is always now.
So you see, I know you are my soul mate. If there be many or there be one, either way, you are. But I do not know what to do about knowing this! We are both learning and trying so hard to fulfill our potential and become what we are meant to become, and yet, why should we wait? Our potentials will never be fully realized, for life is the quest to do so and we have so much life to live and learn in, so why put some time constraint or goal of utopia out there? And why can’t we even talk about any of this? What is it about our love that neither of us seems prepared to deal with? Are we both just terrified of those heart flutters in each other that we are both content to steal glances and cut holes in time for our affections, only to be punished upon returning to the physical world? Would talking about it help, or just ruin all that is happening between us right now, but then again, if we are soul mates, how could anything get ruined?
I have waited for so long already. I have patiently taught the lessons I must teach, learned what I must learn, and worked so hard to become the person that I know my spirit yearns to be. And I am. I am not perfect, I have so many questions, but I am me, finally. I have watched you be you, I have watched people take from you and give to you, and it has made me happy to be a part of it. I have watched and heard your love expressed with other people, and let it warm my heart, even when at first it sometimes wants to be jealous. I wish you the best every second, as I am always thinking of you, and even if I never see you again, I want you to love fully and deeply all those whom you must. I can’t stop loving you, you are my soul mate. Even if you never know, even if you refuse to see, even if it is too much for you to handle, it doesn’t make it not true. I have spent my whole life loving you, it would be a shame to turn those emotions off now that I know you are physically present on this earth. It would also be a shame to waste these emotions and intuitions when I know we could create something magical, though I know not what. Is that it, must we discover our task before we can be together?
And what in the world does “being together” mean, anyway? Does it mean you only have sex with that person, does it mean you live with that person, does it mean you marry that person, does it mean you have children together… what does it mean?!? For me, being with my soul mate means acknowledging the love, and that is it. I don’t need to be with you every day, I have my own life as well, and I don’t care who you put your dick in and only hope you love her when you do (and want to hear about it later!), and marriage and children are ridiculous concepts to me… but what does that mean? Does that mean that the only love I have to offer my soul mate is the polyamorous, roaming love of a woman who refuses to wear a ring or give birth, even refuses to cohabitate? Of course, I could live with many people, my soul mate being one among many, but I could never live with just my soul mate, excluding ourselves from and nesting away from the rest of the world, we are needed here in the world too much for that! If I had a home with my soul mate it would always be full of friends, family and guests. If we were married it would be a secret affair in the forest in the night that we never spoke of again. If we had children they would be the product of divine providence, as we would not just decide to bear them. And if we were monogamous, it would be because neither of us ever ended up fucking anyone else again, not because we decide to be “faithful” one day and discuss it, rather, we would make the observation 10 years later and giggle at the realization.
So, what does “being together” mean? It means that when I see you I want to be able to hug and you kiss you without hurting anyone else’s feelings or feeling like we are both breaking some unfathomable rule. It means I want to be able to call you without feeling like I am wasting our time. It means I want to be able to say what I want to you when I want to say it without wondering if it will break the magic, without wondering if it is the right thing to say. I want to be able to look at the stars beside you once in a while, and forget anyone else but us exists. I want to hear what you have been trying to say to me since we met, and yet always get interrupted. I want to tell you all the beautiful things I have learned since you appeared in my life, and I want to tell you that you are the reason my feet can walk any distance and my back can handle any load. I want to tell you that I love you and most of all I want to hear you say it back, and not just as whispered when we think no one else is listening. I want to scream I love you, I want you to scream it back.
But maybe we don’t have soul mates. Maybe our love sick tendencies just create these urges out of the chemicals and hormonal needs floating between us and our emotions feed into the mind to create some story of “how we have met before” in order for the rational brain to accept and glorify the most beautiful of all dis-eases, lovesickness. Maybe the love of one, between us all, is really the only love, and everything else is just an aberration. Maybe no matter how much I think you are my soul mate, and no matter how much I think I love you, there is nothing I can do but just that… love you. And though my head and heart run circles and my soul gets all caught in my throat when I hear your name, I’ll just have to keep on loving and keep on waiting. There is nothing else I can do. Maybe one day, we will have more than 5 minutes in which to talk. Maybe that will be the moment we are both waiting for. But I want to send this to you right now. I want you to read every word a million times, just so you know that someone, somewhere, has seen you truly.
Because THAT is all a soul mate is: a person who sees you for who you really are. Sometimes, when you can’t even see yourself, and when you see each other, the mirror reflection is exactly what makes you see who you really are, and from that both people are forever changed. The creation of love between soul mates has no beginning or end, and when you find yourself in the midst of it, all you can do is hold on, and love. So I cry and I live and I rejoice and I sing and I dance and I wait because time is the only barrier and I am wearing her thin, oh so thin, for time is an illusion and I am tired of these useless shadows.