Negotiating Emptiness and the Nothing

The ubiquitous presence of emptiness in my life consumes my existence. It's so easy to pretend otherwise; it's so natural to represent the opposite of this. But I don't quite know what it feels to be comfortable in my own skin. Anyone who claims to know me will tell you that this is not me. They will ascertain that I am the epitome and self-confidence and self-comfort. The truth is one that most will never find and it will indubitably stay this empty secret. The truth is that I'm oblivious to this reality. I've read and I've seen. As an intelligent sentient being I know that love and happiness is the ideal. But emptiness in my soul is all I know. I want to be better for myself but I'm lost in a path with no direction. I walk and walk and strive and strive but arrive nowhere. The worst feeling is that of hope; a hope that has yet if ever to arrive. This hope that one day I may stumble upon it, like many others seem to as they grow and mature. Like many others , I keep walking in the dark with the glimmer of hope that a ray of light might illuminate my path towards self fulfillment one day. But unlike most, I am self-aware. I am aware of the nothing and but also understand that the nothing should also find its anti thesis. Disequilibrium is met by equilibrium. Dark is met with light. And one day that light may show me the path toward self-realization and enlighten my existence. Or it may not. Come life or come death, I will still be. Come people as they may also go, I will still be. Love may come and love may leave and I will still be. I still will be as still I will stand; stagnant or moving or the total opposite.

My head is filled with thoughts: coherent for me but incongruent for most. Death and life exist on the same plane for me and if I'm comfortable somewhere, it is most certainly in this state of uncertainty. I float in limbo, though I strive to be grounded. I can pretend or I can break. It's a simple choice. Do I do this for me or do it for others? I'm not quite sure and if I had the answers I would subscribe the world to them, because few would truly understand. I'm not selfish but if I chose to share with those who live everyday in empty darkness and negativity, understanding may not be self-reciprocating . A person should not live with unrelenting thoughts of self-destruction, but I am living testament to this fact of life; my reality. This reality stresses the fibers of my existence such that they will either break or become stronger. Two choices: dark or light. Intellectually I’m not oblivious to the unhealthiness associated with thoughts of cessation. But this is my reality; my emptiness, full of chaos and lack of direction.

Life is perfect on this surface but seething with misery below. Everyday is a silent cry for help, but no one can detect this and see past what’s apparent. Like an instrument of self-castigation, I prefer it this way. The character I have created encases and protects my otherwise fragile being. I want to evolve and exploit the inner goodness that I know I possess, but as I continue to understand the dynamic of life and society, it is so much more comfortable and safe to stay encased in a protective shell. But my lack of openness also comes at a price. The shield that provides me a skewed sense of protection ironically also prevents me from walking the path to enlightenment. As I’ve grown with these self-defense mechanisms, I have quickly understood how insignificant my life is and how closer I am to nothing than to something. I understand now that emptiness drives the essence of who I am. There are so many things I want to be and the more I search, the less I find and the more inadequate I find myself. Thus the shell takes on an even more protective form, encasing me, isolating me and ostracizing me. I can fill my life with papers that validate my existence, but paper burns and time disintegrates them. Nothing tangible endures. Emptiness endures and the struggle continues. As I grow older I grow weaker and less amenable to the idea of fighting for this ideal. I want to give in and leave this behind. I will still be but I don't have to be. Revolutions will continue around the ideal and the world won't miss a beat whatever the outcome of my search. At the end of the day, 1 week from now, 1 year from now, 10 years from now, 100 years from now, what will this all mean? Nothing much like the feeling that burns a hole within the deepest indescribable recesses of my being. The time is now and the present is quickly becoming the past.