The Universe Making Love to Itself

I dreamed: I break through brush and emerge on the field beside my elementary school feeling the distant future all around. In the distance there is a large, bizarre structure that is vertically striped from end to end, shaped in the outline of a mountain range. A voice says to me, “All time is now,” and I can feel and hear the people of the future, and the future’s ecstasies. I dance across the field. I feel my mind getting out of control, but I reel it in.

I usually have a dream like this the night before a major mystical experience. The dream illustrates two key elements typical of my mystical experiences: 1) keeping my mind from abandoning my body, and 2) the philosophical idea that “all time is now.”

The place where “all time is now” is eternity. Eternity contains the end-results of time, such as angels, perfection and communion. In eternity, the future is inherent in the present moment, which is why it can be felt and glimpsed. Once we make peace with the past – including all of history – the future exerts a much stronger influence on the present. As it is, people tend to cling to the past to maintain a sense of continuity in a chaotic environment, so they never glimpse the future, and have difficulty imagining it will be better than yesterday. The first step to making it better is imagining it will be, and what it could be like.

My mystical experience was initiated when I was thinking of my dad 25 years ago describing rabbits’ eyes as “unthinking,” saying this as if their unthinking eyes were a sign of their lowliness and insignificance. Me, 25 years later: I see rabbits symbols of the Trickster (and libido). Their eyes are unthinking because of their immediacy of instinct. Instinct always tricks that which denigrates it.

I let my eyes go into an unthinking state. Then I felt the aura of a cat around me, which happens from time to time. I was owning it deeply this time, flowing with catlike quietude, dancing with cat-nature in my body and feelings. I was at play. The act of play has been emphasized for me recently. Play connects us to our fundamental selves. It enriches self-awareness.

After being a cat, I jotted “Unthink,” meaning it to be a command. Then I turned to my mirror and meditated on my face, doing such deep work that I cannot give it language. I just know that I lost my face and got it back with my sense of self freed of energy that was withdrawn, fearful and angry. A new kind of clarity resulted: snake-nature, Kundalini, came dancing through me.

Kundalini is life force that flows through the central nervous system; the brain and spine. It is the snake within all creatures. Immersed in it, I felt incredibly good. I flashed on this recent dream:

My friend and I end up at the house of this evil guy and his assistant. He is over-the-top evil. He lists off a number of plays on words that relate to evil. One is “Black block party.” He casts a spell with his snake wand making my friend disappears. I am angry and indignant, thinking what he did was ridiculous. I get my hands on the snake wand and mock the evil; guy with it by using it to pantomime a lewd act. Then I toss the snake away. I go get it and, realizing I am in a dream, I decide to fly away with it, but the evil guy can fly, too, and in the air wraps his arms around me, capturing me.

The evil guy is a part of me that is in full possession of Kundalini. The type of indignant sarcasm I invoke in the dream, with my lewd pantomime, disturbs my equilibrium and alienates Kundalini in waking-life. When I was male, this kind of sarcasm colored everything I did. I was obsessively comic because I was so wounded.

It is actually beneficial that the evil guy makes my friend disappear. When I was growing up I wasted a lot of time with this friend. His absence of ambition weighted me down. I am upset about his disappearance in the dream because he represents a way of being I am attached to, that incidentally inhibits Kundalini.

The evil man’s capture of me represents Kundalini capturing me, which happened when it danced through me during my mystical experience. It was making love to me. The feeling was too intense to keep dancing and I went down to the floor, kneeling before the universe, giving my life to it. The eros of the lovemaking heightened. I felt echoes of the future – “all time is now.” A couple times I turned away to glimpse back at the suffering of the world to see if it was okay for me to feel so perfect, and perfection said, “Of course, it’s okay. You have earned this, but it does not have to matter anymore that you have earned it. It is yours forever.” It went on for a while, and afterward it felt just like it does after erotic communion with another person, but less sweaty.

I have had too many such experiences to have any illusion that life would be perfect from then on. Life is up and down. Such mystical experience comes from a place where there is no up and down; where all is one with eternal love.

The experience awakened places inside me that had been dormant, that had given up during my horizontal years – 2000 – 2004 – spent on sofas or in bed recovering from psychosis.

In 2001, I was trying to figure out the nature of the empty feeling I was having, and it dawned on me that it was apathy. I knew that I had good reason to be apathetic, so I didn’t fight it. I accepted it as part of my process. But even after I became vertical – being off the sofa and out of bed – some part of me was still apathetic. The prolonged apathy had damaged my vitality.

After the lovemaking with the universe, I felt in re-possession of my vitality. I was holding it with my whole body, not letting it go, which took strength and focus. I knew that I cannot become myself without reclaiming it.