Curious Hands

You know what's happening? You're evolving. :)

I'm also a massage therapist, and a reiki practitioner. I've also had weird experiences while working on clients, but nothing quite like that. I've also had weird experience with perception. Please don't judge yourself, and please don't take any more medication! That's the stuff they poison us with. You don't want it anymore. Just keep meditation and going where your heart leads you. Do whatever you FEEL like doing, because that's probably what's best! Myself, I feel like I need to start start looking for ways to express myself artistically. I feel like it would help me just to have a way to get things out of my system. We all need that. If you're doing bodywork, make sure you also receive bodywork regularly too! Besides that, I don't know what advice to give you other than to hold on, 'cuz it's gonna be a wild ride! But it can also be a fun ride! :)

Good read, thanks for your honesty. Its my opinoin that the cosmic shifts are hitting us all in different ways right now. They're hitting us HARD. The way they're affecting us is determined by who we are and what we do as individuals so it doesnt seem strange to me that you might be feeling the changes this way. have you thought about trying some protective visualisation before working with your clients ? Other than that, I'm lost for words really except to reiterate what's already been said ... hang in there.. we're nearly there and things will be better soon so enjoy this amazing journey into the new world and don't be afraid :)

Love and Light ..

Hey there

thank you for sharing this peculiar experience, very interesting to read! Just like Bodie and others here say, it sounds to me like you're experiencing a spiritual/emotional development/break-through.

But, I'd like to add:
to feel out of touch with one's body in the way that you describe might indicate a birth trauma problem. Particularly what you say about "my body does not feel like mine/I look at my legs and feel that they dont belong to me" is a typical birth trauma experience.

We are not our bodies, but it is your body you are looking at, and you should be able to go "into it". If you feel that you cant, and that the body isn't yours/you at all, you might suffer from a birth trauma.

People with birth trauma does not go into the body at birth, and if the trauma is re-traumatized, it stays this way. Hence, people with trauma problems often feel disconnected from the body, and can also thus be very spiritually "gifted" since they, in a sense, stay at some other "astral level", outside of the physical reality, and have a good overview of things from there/keep a conscious connection to the source.

Birth trauma is is something that many suffers from, often without knowing. It is a very delicate matter, and feels life threatening to talk about. The first time my therapist told me I might suffer from this, I just simply and decidedly said NO and just wanted to walk out - I got quite upset and suddenly thought - wow, this person doesn't hear what I say, she doesn't understand me at all...

It took me hours until finally could breath calmly again, and suddenly, lying on my couch, I came to my senses and started laughing at myself =)

I have been in therapy for this since about two years now, and it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. The therapy form focusing on trauma/birth trauma is called EMDR, popularly also simply called "trauma therapy". I have been told, that it is one of the fastest growing forms of therapy in our time, since it works very well. It was invented by an American woman called Francis Shapiro.

According to my opinion, EMDR actually resembles shamanistic practises in a certain sense:
shamans often talk about "bringing back the soul" into the body, from places in the past where parts of the soul is "stuck". This is also what an EMDR therapist does - helping you go back to the traumatizing moment, empowering you and supporting you when you, as a grown up, can take yourself as a child at the age/moment when you got trauma, in the hand and lead yourself to a safe place. This safe place you build up yourself, sure you get guidance from your therapist, but you makes it yourself. It can be as large as you want. You might also during the therapy give your "inner children" nice parents, good food, friends, etc - things related to the trauma.

There are more things happening in this process of course, and it needs to be done in company, preferably with a professional EMDR / trauma therapist. I will explain why here below.

Basically, as I understand it, a trauma appears when your system goes into shock, triggered by a certain experience, and, under certain circumstances, this shock stays in your bodily, emotional and mental systems.

Sometimes I think that birth trauma and its consequences is what some people has understood as "inherited sin".

A birth trauma is caused by stress, pain, etc at birth. Most of us experience this, on different levels. It can even come about, because you inherit the stress of your mother, if she experienced a birth trauma - your nerve system kind of "copies" her experience, and she will re-experience her trauma when she gives birth. Hence, she is stressed/tense, and the trauma is inherited, the circle goes on.

These days, many hospitals give newborns a special treatment to get the birth stress out of the system - Craniosacral Therapy . But often, this is and has not been the case.

A birth trauma does not have to destroy your life, and can heal from itself. But if it is re-traumatized through beatings, moving a lot as a child, weddings and similar events where the emotions /energy run wild, divorce, mobbing, etc, etc, etc. These are all types of experiences that raises emotional stress in the system, which re-activates the birth trauma and re-traumatises your body and mind.

The "worst" part of trauma is that when activated - for example by a certain situation which reminds you of a traumatizing event - you will return to being as old as you where when the original trauma happened. So you will behave and feel like a two year old, for example.

You will also generally be very easily influenced by projections of others, since you are not in your body. Often traumatized people have addiction problems, with food (eating reminds you of the safe times of feeding in the uterus), or marijuana/alcohol (opens up your aura and allows you to momentarily come into the body).

To heal a trauma one need the support of a (preferably professional) grown-up, since one needs to go into the trauma, which most of the time means being a child (who needs grown up help, a hand to hold) + being in shock. When in shock, one turns of many parts of the brain, except for the basic survival functions. This means, that it is hard, if not impossible, to be in the trauma/shock and keep a reflecting attitude at the same time, and even harder to matter be in touch with any other feeling than stress/fear/shock.

What one feels at a birth trauma is (according to my therapist):

Fear of dying (specifically, and this is important)
Fear (in general)
Anger - "why do I have to suffer this?"
Hate - "I hate this place, it's hurting me"
Helplessness - "I am just a small baby, I cant do anything/communicate what I feel"

All these feelings (and maybe also others) reappear during a re-traumatizing event.

I discovered my trauma when I realized that I could not create if another grown-up didn't "hold my hand". I had a heavy creation block, since every time I wanted to create, I re-lived the emotions above. I felt like I was going to die.

Through therapy, this is all melting away, and I cannot tell you how good it feels. I was not even remotely aware of the hurt feelings I was carrying inside of me, and when they came to the surface, I had similar experiences like yours. It is very common that the birth trauma only comes up after being pushed to the surface from inner healing - this is how it happened to me (how this was for me is a long story, maybe another time =)

But let me tell you one story:
I know of a person, who is a great master healer with an impressive curriculum to say the least. And he failed completely at a certain point, cause in spite of all he knew, all the wisdom and openness, love, good intentions and wonderful work that he did, he wasn't capable of recognizing his birth trauma.

Before the break down, he was periodically heavily ill for years, not understanding what happened, thinking that it was the consequences of healing others and therefore taking in too much heavy energy. True, but only true, since he was not healed, and stubbornly denied the process of healing this trauma to take place. It was literally incredible to see this happen.

How it ended is another story =)
But generally, healing a birth trauma, any trauma, is completely possible!

This has become a long comment, so I think I'll quit here =) It has been great for me to write this down - I wanted to write about this on Evolver for a long time, and reading your post was the inspiration that my heart that I needed to get it out!

Maybe what you experience is not birth trauma at all, in that case, I hope you found this story interesting any way =)

But if any of what I have told you here sounds familiar, even if just a bit - check it out, and get help. It is worth it, and it is the only way.

If you have a birth trauma (or trauma at all - a war experience for example, can traumatize anyone in the same way, I guess) and you really see no way to get professional help at the moment-

see to it that you find someone who can be with you and help you breath/heal through the emotions and bodily reactions that the trauma surfacing is causing in you. Alone, you will most probably be lost!

And - even if one has a really good, strong "spirit guide", it is better to get a physical person to help - a "spirit guide" can have a hard time time being a steady point when one is working to get "into the flesh" ...

If you want, you can contact me via a message here - we can Skype/email/chat, and I'll tell you more.

Btw - I think I will make a blog post out of this comment =)

Sending you a big hug, and love!

you are unique - all you do is ground-breaking
florries.wordpress.com - on life and living

Hearing your story I begin to imagine you and I start to feel the vibrations you describe. I feel the way your hands are dipping into a swirling pool when you put your hands back on the woman's body with the precise boundaries. It overwhelms you how much she contains in her thorax. It bewilders you why she can't abide you touching her limbs. Her intense center swirls up into your open hands. You aren't protected enough. You didn't prepare your mind for the work. How would you be able to prepare yourself given that you are very open and special? Who could teach you how to handle your neurology and your neuropsychology in the context of healing? I think, maybe Barbara Brennan but I don't know.
I know massage therapy to the extent that I have worked in a variety of contexts. I am strange, always been an outsider but my heart has compassion for bodies of people that I don't have any sympathy with. I have empathy for their pain, even if I know I wouldn't get a good feeling from them out in the world, if that makes sense to people.
I would always feel what my touches felt like on other people's bodies. It is like I am lighting up the part of my brain connected to sensing touch on my own flesh while I am touching someone else's. This can be overwhelming. Sometimes the way that my mind began to race while touching someone also can be unnerving. I would shake one hand while still maintaining contact with the other hand. The shaking would send the energy back out into the void. I would also turn my head up and breathe out the energy that had come into my body. I would try to do yoga poses to draw new energy up into my body and release other energy away from my body. You have to maintain this kind of meditative space and protect yourself by only being a conduit, not a receptacle. Strange though, that three people in the spa I worked at had their gallbladders removed. Absorbing spiritual toxins?
I am interested in EMDR. I was born in the caul etc...
Hope you have no larger physiological reasons to feel disconnected from your body. For years I have been trying to get into the flesh. I ran for years trying to literally feel myself in my skin.

Good luck
Soulheartjoy