In fear I said, "Your life is worth more than an argument."

For years now I have been slowly chipping away at my Ego, reducing any and all power that it has over me so that I may live as I want to and not by the rules established by it and the world that it created. I took up meditation and the martial arts, forsook the religion I was raised in, removed as many negative influences from my life and I handed myself over to a higher power so as to cure my addiction to self-importance. It has been an endless struggle, but yesterday I achieved a major victory over the Ego, surprised even myself and I got one hell of a rush out of the entire event.
After lunch yesterday I had a sudden craving for a MilkyWay Midnight, so my fiancé and I stopped at a CVS on the way to the rest of our errands. Lauren ran to get our chocolate fix and once she was back in the car I attempted to drive out of the parking lot. However, a gaggle of about five teenagers of mixed race and gender started to cross our path without, of course, taking note of their surroundings. I tapped my horn to alert them to our presence and I guess they felt entitled to slowly meander through the parking lot because I was flipped off, derided and called everything but my given name. My fiancé, knowing my normally short and explosive temper, asked if I wanted to get out of the car and instruct the gathering of middle-teens on the basics of physics. I said that I just wanted to ignore them, and carry on with the day. However, Long Island traffic being what it is, I was forced to remain at the edge of the parking lot while the group caught up to us and continued their near-violent ridicule of us, the moronic adults who dare curtail their desire to meander aimlessly. I had nowhere to go and I knew that ignoring them would only enrage them further and force the situation to escalate. I needed to diffuse it.
I partly rolled my window down and said to the young “gentleman” who screamed the loudest and clearly presented himself as the “alpha”, “Do you know that I don’t have a gun? Do know that I’m not some psycho who would just shoot you and all your friends?”
To which he replied, “Yeah, so you got a gun, so what?” as his lackey chuckled loudly.
“So what?” I said, appalled by his cavalier attitude, “So what? If I did, you’d be dead, and so would your friends.”
“Yeah, well you shouldn’t be flying through a parking lot.” He retorted.
Knowing that I was in first gear I responded, “Flying? I was going 5 MPH!”
“Oh five! Yeah right!”
By now the rest of his cronies had managed to jump across four lanes of traffic and had flagged down a passing officer, most likely to tell him about the big, bad, gun-wielding psycho that nearly ran them over, so I knew that he was no longer going to threaten violence. Since I knew that Lauren wasn’t in danger, I could focus my attention on the danger he put himself in, and would most likely do again, but I had to act fast, as traffic was beginning to lighten up.
I said, “Look, why are you fighting me on this? I would be wrong, but you could be dead right now!”
“So?” was his response.
I swear I could hear a thud as my heart fell out and hit the floor.
In fear I said, “Your life is worth more than an argument!”
And for a moment, a brief moment, my fellow Evolvers, I had him. I saw it in his eyes as his true self breached the surface. His jaw opened slightly, not as if I had said anything shocking, but as if he suddenly awoke for an instant and had no idea where he was. But then, that fucking Ego-Beast returned and dragged him back into the nether. His face hardened and he sneered at me.
Desperate to get him back I pleaded, “Look I’m not mad at you, but you have to be careful. You never know who you’re going to piss off. You may think you’re right but you’re still not going to make it home. Please. Please be careful! Don’t do this! It’s not worth it!”
“Yeah. Sure. Sure. Have a nice day.” Was all I got in sarcastic response, said from an indignant face, now repulsed by my presence and wanting me gone.
Traffic let up and I drove away. Down the road and out of sight I pounded on the wheel and screamed in anger with tears pouring down my face. Lauren held my hand but it did little to comfort me at first. Just the thought of such a young life, truly resenting its existence was too much for me to contend with. I was so scared for him, but there was nothing I could do. I was so furious at the Ego but there was nothing I could do. I felt helpless, but that feeling quickly passed as the surprise set in.
I have a short fuse and explosive temper. I am proficient at martial arts that most people couldn’t pronounce. I am intelligent and I have a superb understanding of the human body. I could have beaten all of them into a fine red mist within seconds. I didn’t do that. I didn’t want to do that. I could have screamed back insults and reduced his feeble mind to a sliver of it’s former, puffed-up self. I didn’t, nor did I want to. In this instance, the Ego was non-existent. I was in total control. My natural love for people and care for their wellbeing superceded my need to feel justified and validated. I could barely hear the Ego scream commands to me. I was in total control…and it felt good.
At the next light I wiped my tears and I felt a rush; the sweetest rush that I have ever felt in my life. By turning down having control, I gained control – an elusive paradox, but one I had sought for years. I have heard of relinquishing power to gain power and as a practitioner of Tai Chi I have applied it physically, but I never really understood it. As a Christian I was familiar with the Biblical commands to remain humble, but I never truly understood the full depth of the concept before. Here I turned away thoughts of preserving my power and “being right” with this kid (which I clearly was) and instead I plead with him to rethink his course of action. I truly wanted what was best for him and I cared nothing for how weak or lowly I appeared. The Ego held no power. For a brief time I was free of it. I was truly free. It was the greatest feeling, one that I wish to be able repeat and one I wish for you all to experience.
I remained the rest of the day as someone considerate, though maybe not superbly patient. The feeling was fleeting and I could hold onto it for only so long, but I will try my best to repeat it. As I begin the new day I hope that I can do it again, and it is my sincerest hope for you all that you can experience such freedom, whether brief, prolonged or eternal.

Blessings of light and life to you all,

Ardor – Angelus De Abeo