Victory for all of us! Defeating the false self (aka: ego)

First of all, I want to extend warm thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog. Every word was helpful and I will do a follow-up to it, but as the title of this blog would suggest, something occurred to me that I believe I MUST share with all of you.
Serendipitous synchronicity has recently lined up to give me answers to questions that I have asked for longer than I can recall. One of which is, “Why do I get so angry?” It’s not that I’m a violent, or even a particularly cross person, but too often my feelings of annoyance or frustration would erupt in angry outbursts. The best example of what I mean can be illustrated when I’m driving.
I live on Long Island, where considerate, attentive drivers such as myself, are exceptions to the rule. For me, it was never just a matter of shrugging off the almost daily near-death experiences (not an exaggeration), I would find myself, boiling over with rage, yelling, and in many cases pouring evil intent upon the lobotomized motorists I would encounter. I would exclaim terrible things to them, whether they could hear me or not, just to make myself feel better, but I would never, and I could never figure out why I just couldn’t stop myself from doing so. I couldn’t figure out why I was always so angry, and why, even when my outraged anger seemed justified, that I would just feel hollow, instead of fulfilled. Even supposedly righteous indignation at the callous, rich rulers of the world felt pointless. Then, the universe paid me my answer, over a gradual teaching session.
A few months ago I came across the Guy Ritchie film, “Revolver”, which is much less violent than his other movies, and incredibly insightful. The piece reaches its crescendo when the main character, Jake, actually confronts and defeats his ego. This is after the characters instructing him teach Jake about the “counterfeit self”. They explain that we each have the same being inside of us, and that we all will do whatever it takes to protect it, because we think that this false self is us. It’s a Jungian masterpiece, but I didn’t grasp the full relevance to my life, not at first. More recently, I came across a documentary on YouTube called, “Kymatica”, which elaborated more on the collective ego and how it’s been responsible for every war, every atrocity and is really at the source of all of human misery. The fact that these films came into my life when they did is no coincidence. I’ve always known that my fiery nature is not solely responsible for my outbursts and now I know what is; I am…but it’s not me.
Oddly enough, the Bible actually documents the struggles with the false self. In Romans 7:21-23 the Apostle Paul talks about the war within him between two “laws”, aka: patterns of behavior. Also, Matthew 16:21-23 records when Jesus told his followers that he was to be delivered up to die and Peter told him, “Be kind to yourself Lord, you will not have this destiny at all”. However, Jesus rebuked his disciple and said, “Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me, because you think not God’s thoughts, but those of men.” (New World Translation) It may seem harsh to us, but Jesus wasn’t calling his disciple the Devil, he was reacting to a manifestation of the false ego.
Whether you believe Jesus to be the son of God, or just an ancient wise man, or a figment of the imagination, the accounts of his struggle with the ego are valuable to us. As pointed out in the film Kymatica, to many psychologists and historians, Satan the Devil is the false ego, anthropomorphized in a demonic being of Biblical lore. Taking at least that degree of legitimacy into account, what Jesus was saying to his own disciple was that the idea of being “kind to yourself” in the sense of shirking off responsibility, is a reflection of the false self. In a very real sense, Peter was reflecting Jesus’ own inner demons.
Early on in his ministry, Jesus retreated to a mountain and engaged in deep mediation. As recorded at Luke 4:1-13, it was towards the end of his time in retreat that the Devil came to temp him. He said, “IF you are the son of God…” and then initiated a challenge. Here Jesus’ ego used a different tactic, trying to make him feel insecure and that he would have to defend his position. We face no less than this ourselves.
In my own case, my ego tells me, “That guy is an idiot! Flip him off! Tell him his kids should die before him. He can’t hear you, just say it, you’ll feel better.” But our words hold power, and should be treated as a weapon. Ask anyone who practices any kind of magic; the most powerful spells are the one that you speak or write out. I knew that, so why would I say such terrible things, knowing it could just happen? Because I didn’t know I was listening to another aspect of myself.
But now I know, and so do you. There is another part to you that speaks unbelievably awful things. It makes you think that your coworkers hate you, or that your spouse is cheating on you. It dissolves relations between old friends and prevents you from making connections to new ones. You are compelled by this inner self that pretends to be you, to think, say and be less than you can be…and less than you already are. Listen for it, and once you can hear it, you can fight it.
Now I realize that every person that I ever wished bad upon, that every person I ever wanted to see pain returned to, every person that I thought should die for the horror that they caused; they were all effigies of my false self. Now I can feel him squirm and writhe, starving, begging for a fix – just a little anger, just a little rage, just to feel that release again. I cannot let it. A parasite will make the host produce what the parasite needs, even to the detriment of the host, and there is nothing more self-destructive than anger, to the individual or to the collective. Now I can do more than just bottle up my rage, I can excuse it and exercise it properly, motivated by the knowledge that the more that I starve the false self, the more that I can do.
Jake’s teachers said the best quote in Revolver, “When you change the rules on what controls you, then you change the rules on what you can control.” For me it’s no longer a matter of “putting out good”, it’s a matter keeping the false ego starved, to allow my true self to spread its wings and alter the illusion-based matrix reality that we live in. Of course, as Buddha discovered, maintaining dominance over the go is an ongoing struggle. You must always be alert and self-aware in order to keep one step ahead of something that has always been in the shadows of your mind and your soul. It’s a long war, but one that we can all win, if we work at it.
Check out Kymatica on YouTube, and rent or buy Revolver. You’ll be glad you did…but not all of you.

Blessings and light,

Ardor Angelus De Abeo

Oh, and I’ve included a clip of Jake’s confrontation with his ego, courtesy of YouTube. Enjoy!