Breaking up sucks......hard

My girlfriend ended our relationship tonight. I feel like writing. I feel like I need to let out the emotion in an way I haven't before. I guess to tell the whole fucking world what I cant come to terms with. That even though she ended it I pretty much did it to myself.

I'm beyond the point of feeling embarrassed or like any stupid reason for not just letting your shit go. It's like once you let go the fear of ridicule your truly free right? Well I went to catholic school for 12 years so that's gonna take some more therapy to get over but what ever. Another time maybe. Or for that matter putting it all out there on public record for a bunch of strangers to read. I just wanna share my pain. Let it out. I'm no one special. I'm struggling with a lot in my life at the moment which I'm sure you are too We're all human dealing with the same shit. All of my personal stressors and frustrations have culminated in the ending of something I was not 100% committed to due to many reasons but none the less is extremely painful and sad. We are both caught up in extremely low points of depression and frustration. Neither of us have made the situation better however I for one spoiled many opportunities to make things between us right and whole. We were going on three years together and I spent the last year and a half a miserable wreck feeling the weight of the world coming down on me. Angry at everything be it politics or the asshole riding my ass in the left lane on my way to work. I'm great at making excuses for myself. I had a reason to be pissed off at everyone and everything.

It's all kinda beginning to make sense though. I'm searching outside for something to help with the sadness and hopelessness I feel each day but nothings there. I suppose that is why I'm here. Looking for something. Some sort of answer that most likely does not exist outside of myself. That seems to be the most unbelievable aspect of what we all are going through in life. That it's not the external world that is creating all this pain and misery for ourselves but rather the twisted truth that we are our own worse enemy looking outward to sooth the pain stricken inner. I need lots of work but I have not put fourth the time to do it. I'm acting like how I was in elementary school. Begging god to get me outta what ever situation I got myself into without actually having to suffer the consequences. Making empty promises just to save my own ass.

Well like a punch to the face the wake up call came. Here ya go, no one to worry about but your self. Fix what you need to fix. Great. How do you pick up the pieces and get yourself cleaned off? I have so much chatter in my head that to even attempt to meditate regularly is a daunting challenge. I want to how to make myself a priority and not feel guilty for it. I want to know how to take care of myself and put me first and not feel selfish for doing so. I want to be comfortable with walking away from a job that leaves me drained, unfulfilled and taken advantage of. Most of all I want to learn real forgiveness and how I can forgive myself for creating so much negative energy in my life.

I suppose for the time being we're better off apart but this has happened so many times in my life that I'm really convinced that I'm not at all in any shape to be involved with anyone until I'm smudged clean of all this bull shit that has taken up residence in my soul. Probably a few life times of karmic cobwebs filling up the living room. I dunno. I really just want to be in a better place. I think it's called happiness. Can anyone spare some please?