Just Give Me the Medicine, Man!

Basically I feel like a wandering soul with multiple personality disorder. It's a constant struggle to maintain my sanity in a world that in my opinion is completely insane and pulling out all the stops in order to bring me down with it. With that being said I think I've done a pretty good job of retaining some sense of who I am and what I want out of this world (somewhat I suppose). I ultimately feel that we as individuals are the ones that control and create our own reality through our various thought patterns, emotions, beliefs etc. That being the case no one I know personally has been 100% self educated in these areas. There are always teachers that we come in contact along the way, some more obvious than others.

It's been said that once your ready the teacher will find you. Apparently I'm not ready. Or maybe I am and I'm too busy looking to see all the teachers around me? I've been stuck in this rut of back and fourth emotional pain and despair for so long it's really frustrating. Happy, sad, positive, negative, etc, etc, etc. In a previous post from earlier this evening I went on about how this world is essentially, at the quantum level non existent. We personally create our reality around us just by being conscious observers. The very act of observation or existence is, in sense, creation and by constantly going back and fourth between positive and negative thought patterns I'm creating a pretty uncomfortable reality for myself. What I need is the guidance to really focus myself to be more positive. I do project love as much as I can to the world around me but more often than not I get sucked back into the bullshit (fear-mongering, consumerism, want, jealously, anger, frustration). When I do feel these emotions I do tend to catch myself, which is good, however I would just like to be able to be rid myself these thought patterns once and for all. Enter my desire to learn from the teacher plant ayahuasca.

Now my thoughts on ayahuasca tend to go back and fourth. I've wanted to go to Peru for a very long time, before I even really began to dive into metaphysical studies and shamanism. I've been fascinated by the culture and being an avid backpacker, hiking the Inca Trail would be a life long dream. I feel Like I'm being called there. I've been trying to save money for a long time to make it down there however it's not worked out in my favor. Another problem for me is really finding a suitable location to partake in the ceremonies associated with the teacher plant. I don't want the tourist experience of this medicine, I truly feel I need to be healed by it and I want to be healed by it. But I also feel the negativity associated by being another gringo going to South America to take advantage of until very recently a very sacred part of indigenous culture. I feel that Western Culture has taken so much from the aboriginal peoples of the world who through all their pain and suffering continue to give and give and give all of themselves and ask very little in return. In a way I almost do not feel worthy. I carry that pain inside as well as I feel more connected to the native peoples of the world than I do my own ancestry (of this life anyway) .

Overall, spiritually and physically, I feel pretty toxic, like a sponge thats absorbed as much as it possibly can and I need desperately to have my body, mind and soul ringed out. I really tend not to trust "healers" for the most part as I have a tough time trusting their intentions. I like many others have a hard time paying cash or money which is inherently a negative energy source for a service that may or may not have been done with my well being in mind. I mean I understand the universal law of exchange and in order to accept the benefits of a service I should give an equal balance. It's just in this world of unknown intentions and charlatans how do I know I am receiving truth or even help.

Out of curiosity I was wondering if there were some other folks out there that could share their stories of hope and healing. People who have overcome the same struggles to get to a place of pure bliss and contentment. Basically how did you say bye to you Ego and learn to move past all the negativity. Was there the teacher that came into your life at the right moment to help and assist with this or were you able to over come it on you own?

My mind is pretty much always cluttered with junk, thoughts, feeling, ideas and mediation is a discipline I really struggle to get a handle of. I really feel if I could get this under control the rest would simply fall into place. Hopefully I'm not being thought of as a hypocrite for voicing these thoughts and frustrations because I do feel that the power is within myself, I just think I need a little extra guidance. Thanks in advance! Love and blessings to all!