Being Sober = Forgiveness

I used to also have a real problem forgiving people, I held on to things for way to long. When I was finally able to get over this was when I was able to examine why it was I did this. I realized that my mom also holds onto things forever, and had a lot of trouble forgiving people. I then thought more about it and came to the conclusion that I had been mostly conditioned in my life that I should hold on to things. I decided that this needed to change when I realized it did me absolutely no good to hold grudges against people, it never feels good to hold a grudge and it affects relationships with people that are currently involved in your life. I was then on a path of reconditioning myself, it didn't start with the forgiveness part, it mostly just started with seeing what I could change about myself, whether there was a reason or not. Doing things I didn't want to do, not doing things I wanted to do, just changing decisions and who I "was". By doing this it eventually lead to me being able to change the way I held grudges and my ability to forgive. But it helped in a way I wasn't expecting. By digging through and actually do the work to recondition myself it helped me realize how much a product of conditioning everyone else is also. Which meant that when people had done things in the past that hurt me, they weren't doing it to hurt me, or not even because they wanted to, they did it because at the time they made said decision due to their conditioning it seemed like the right one. Which also meant I could no longer blame people for the decisions they make, they were just acting on the feelings that they were having as a product of their conditioning. No one ever cheats or steals thinking "Yeah fuck that person I'm getting them good", usually if you talk to someone about it they in some way feel justified for it, that they had a good reason, at least at first.

It's easy to forgive people when you realize first hand how much of a product of your own conditioning you are, and that everyone else is as well. Everyone is just going through life reacting to what happens and that will never be exactly the same as the way you would react.

I hope this helps, and you find a way to forgive, because forgiveness really does feel much better.

-Invisible Agent

"No one really knows exactly what happens when we think, therefor we can never really ever know anything." -Michael Larson

www.BarbelithLives.com

I remember once, years ago, seeing a couple on Oprah whose daughter had been murdered.

They displayed, in the most potent way I've yet seen, that true forgiveness is really only about forgiving ourselves.

One day they went to the jail to visit the man who had murdered their daughter, not to offer him their forgiveness…but to ask for his forgiveness of them.

They actually asked him to forgive them, because they had judged him for killing their daughter!

They realized it was the only way they could ever be totally free…

We're truly each doing the best we can in any given moment. It doesn't matter if others understand this, or not - if we can forgive ourselves, no matter our transgression, then whatever pain we have caused ourselves, or others, becomes valuable.

Peace,
Kelly

This being human is a guest house

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

I too learned my lesson in forgiveness. I am such a peaceful person, such a nice and loving being, but I still bowed down to anger. My ex girlfriend did in my opinion horrible things to me, for such a long time. I resisted, I buried it deep inside, but the demons got out. I hit that girl so hard. I made her black out on a few occasions. I felt like the serial killer in a horror movie one night, as she crawled away trying to scream for help.

What a monster have I become? Am I so disillusioned that my subconscious believes that violent retaliation is justified? Has my ego inflated so big as to perceive benign threats? This was honestly the worst time of my life. I was going insane, in the purest sense. I was depressed, withdrawn. Even the simplest aspects of reality started loosing their sense. Relationships? How? Language? What? Reality? Go away please.

The real forgiveness started when I began to regain my control. One day she hit me in the face, splitting my lip wide open. Instead of retaliating, I quickly left the room, walked around the perimeter of the house several times and cooled down by petting the neighbors pet goat. And suddenly, she was wearing my shoes. She said to me, "I am a monster! How could I hurt that sweet man over there petting that goat?" I sat next to her, and I put my arms around her. I felt the gap closing. I told her to forgive herself, that I was guilty too, that she was experiencing exactly what I had.

Things never really got much better, and we broke up later that week. I never really got over it, until I was talking to this girl I had met at the club. She laid some wisdom on me that helped heal my soul. She said that you can't control your own actions until you forgive yourself of what you have already done. To hold our own actions unforgiven is to dislocate the responsibility we feel. When we can't come to terms with what we have done it is like saying that because we can't currently justify what we did, it wasn't really "us" that did it, because now we are different. Forgiving oneself is realizing that we did it on purpose, that it was our fault, and the only way to get past it is to change ourselves in a way that ensures we could never justify the same action again, consciously or subconsciously.