How ficton helps me see my reality

All my life I have experienced opening up to people and each person I ever opened up to would take anything I shared with them and use it to emotionally hurt me. Some people would use personal information as blackmail or use it to spread rumors about me. Then came a point when I viewed opening up to people as weakness and stupidity. So over time I learned to keep my pain and traumatic experiences to myself. I would lash out in anger mixed with sorrow on people who tried to get me to open up to them. Never giving a fuck about hurting others in this process.

Then a work of total fiction made me see things in a new light....

In last nights True Blood there was a scene between Eric and Pam that really touched me and made something click.

Eric tell's Pam about the Vampire who slaughtered his family and village, back when Eric was still human. He tell's Pam that for over 1,000 years he has been seeking revenge and has finally found the Vampire responsible.

Pam's emotional reaction is Empathy. Pam ask's Eric why he kept this information a secret for so long.

Eric goes on to tell Pam: It was my pain to bare.

Pam looks at Eric with sadness in her eyes: You didn't have to bare it alone.

I started thinking after last nights True Blood was over and right now I am still thinking.

99.9 of my awesome and pure relationships / friendships that ended too soon in a fucked up way have always ended because of my ability NOT to open up. My ability to never share anything about me because of my fear of how vile, deceitful and cruel people can be.

I have been so emotionally tired and emotionally sick for so long. I can't keep all my pain inside but I have no idea how to go about removing it from inside me. I want to talk and express myself but I have no idea how. I don't want to keep living and feeling this way but I have no idea how to live of feel outside of what I know.