My Life and Death Experiences

A long time ago when I realized my spiritual calling and attained a momentary experience of true enlightenment. I knew my own existence was bigger then myself. I knew in order to attain happiness and develop more as a spiritual being. I had to live in service of others.

Heal people.
Love people.
Teach people.

Help humanity elevate it’s spiritual awareness.

We are all so much more then we can even realize or imagine.

We are connected to something beautiful and powerful that has given us the ability it experience this reality. Life can be so much more if we existed among each other in a more graceful and loving way.

Knowing this and seeing how humanity always seems to fail at some point I my heart started to break slowly. It broke piece by piece till one day I decided to give up.

I can even recall the exact moment when I did too.

I had visions of this moment. I was prepared for it. When it happened it was as traumatic and horrible as I always knew it would be.

Then I decided I wanted out of life. I didn’t want to live anymore.

So I made an attempt at taking my own life and actually succeeded till I was revived my an EMT who used a defibrillator.

The point is. There was a moment in time when I accepted death right before I black out into silence. The idea of being free from life, from misguided, hateful people. Never have to feel depressed, alone, ugly, stupid, fat, weird, alienated, violated.

To be one with the source of our spiritual existence was better then being apart and stuck here. After having this experience I lived my life in self destructive manner hoping that at some point I would run into death. This lasted till my mom asked me to move home so she could help me get my life together.

I was 24 when I moved back home with my mother.

(When I was 26 my Grandmother became really sick and my mother and I decided to have her and my Grandfather move in with us. I am now 28. )

Recently my grandmother passed away and I have been slowly dealing with grief. I had a hard time enjoying Thanksgiving and I am upset about having my first Christmas without her.

My Grandmother lived a long life. She took the good with the bad. She made good choices and bad choice but she learned from both. She had children and grandchildren. Had Sisters and Brothers. Saw amazing historical events and experienced happy personal moments too.

I know in my heart she never wanted to leave any of these things behind. She never wanted to leave my Grandfather, Mother and Me behind.

But she was really sick.

The last year of her life was nothing put medication, pain, injections, pills, not enjoying life to the fullest. She passed away in her sleep after spending the day with her sisters, my mother, my aunts and my grandfather.

I spent the day before with her so I never got to see her that day.

She earned her rest.
She earned her release from life.
She earned her homecoming to the source of our being.

So now I am try to make positive, loving, and healthy choices for myself and others.

Some days I can and other days I fall short.

I want to feel how I did before I gave up.

I want to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders once more when I am strong enough to do so. I want to elevate my self so I can elevate one person at a time till I fulfill my purpose and life out my destiny.

When I meet death it will be on my terms and I will die with honor and grace.

Not out of selfishness and stupidity.

(Disclaimer: This note is written with the intent to show my view of life and death has changed based my experiences. If you are someone who is thinking of taking his or her life please call the Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000. Or go to the Nearest Emergency Room. )