it's 1:23am

Majority of my life I have found it much easier to identify with fictional characters from books, movies, TV shows and comic books. I don’t connect with people.

I don’t feel that draw to want to express my human emotions to just any body.

And when I feel that pull once in a fucking blue I get so crushed when I know if that desire is felt in return. I feel so disconnected from people that I need someone to show me that it is okay to feel things.

Someone to show me what a healthy emotion relationship based on trust and respect is.

I don’t know how to be myself around people.

I’m 27 and have no idea how to tell if people really like me for me.
I have no clue if I can ever stop looking behind me out of fear of betrayal from others.

I don’t think I know trust either.

Most of the time I feel like I am holding my breath under water that’s how strange and alien people are. When people come up and talk to me in my mind I kind of freak out.

I think:

“Why are you talking to me?”
“What do you want from me?”
“Why are you here?”
“Don’t waste time on me.”
“What can I say not to sound like an asshole.”
“How can I hide how much of a freak I am?”
“I’m nothing like you.”
“If you knew me you would run away from me.”

I don’t think this stuff in a rude way. I just never know how to react or what to talk about. I just see how people are not like me and know they will reject me once they see how not like them i am.

I have a lot to talk about. I read all kinds of books, magazines, and articles. I also watch lost of movies, documentaries and sci-fi.
I’m mostly self educated but I am not a stupid person.

However I have this strange world view.

I really fear normal people.

Even the ones who can’t see how normal they are.

1:23am.

I’m stoned.