I grew up in a very strict religious household, members of the high control group Jehovah's Witnesses. This raising has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. It was good in that it taught love for the earth, unlike many Christian religions, this religion taught that God had a purpose for the earth and that "good christians" will live forever here on a restored earth. They taught that the earth would be restored to the so-called paradisaic conditions of Eden with all evil being removed at God's War of armegeddon. Of course therein lies the problem. They taught that the vast majority of mankind would be killed by Christ Jesus, those who refused to listen to the Jehovah's Witness theology and those who would not live up to the strict moral code that they had derived from the Mosaic Law mainly, would be slaughtered in violent catastrophes caused from the spiritual realm. Let's say that of the now 8 billion on earth right now, a liberal Jehovah's Witness estimate would say that about 30 million might survive. Trust me that is very liberal!!! Like the Slayer anthem shouts, "God Hates Us All!!!!" Lol.
Nonetheless, because the earth is valued so much in their tradition and doctrines, I also valued the earth, and viewed it as my eternal home. I was very upset that mankind in general just looked at earth as a place of consumer goods and land to be sold and plundered for self gain and corporate interests, and didn't seem to care that they were ruining the planet. I was young, maybe 12 when I took a very keen interest in plants and medicines that the earth provides and in survival off of the land in case some natural emergency did occur, and we could not simply go to the grocery store for food, or turn on the electric heater for warmth.
Later on in life a took my parents religion more seriously and was baptized into the faith at age 16. In this religion you have to study an entire 172 page book and one brochure and then answer tons of initiate like questions from a couple of local elders to be approved for baptism. After baptism I took the religion very seriously, being very active in their door to door ministry, and more than anything studying the Bible and their literature. The JW's brag about having the "truth" like many cults, and claim to have found that truth from the Bible and the help of God's spirit which for some reason chose their leaders to be the only approved by God to have this "truth" revealed to them. Even though I had been baptized and publicly preached to others that this was indeed the "truth", I had many nagging doubts. How do we know that Jesus was the true "Messiah?", "How do we know that we are living in the last days, right before "Armegeddon"?", "How do I know if the universe really got here through intelligent design" , "Would a loving God really destroy almost 8 billion of his children?" These doubts lead to intensive research into first the Bible and the Jehovah's Witnesses publications (They have tons of material!!!), i didn't look outside of their religious books until later because of the fear they put into us of being mislead by books outside of the religion, which is a BIG RED FLAG! Reading their own literature just made me see the many holes in their doctrines and way of life, it lead to more questions and doubts.
Finally, when I was a full time Jehovah's Witnesses, helping with a small congregation far from my Georgia home in North Dakota, the pivotal events of 9/11 came. It shook me to the bone, on a level I didn't understand yet. At this point I started checking all of the quotes they had cited from encyclopedias and authors I had read in their books on the internet and at the local library. The more I studied and read the more confused I got. My checking certainly didn't make me believe that they were teaching the truth, but it also didn't make me think that anyone else was either. I finally saw that truth was very subjective. There was no black and white truth.
At this point in life I left the religion and just lived! Explored caves, played my music, partied, drank, worked, whatever. And I didn't spend much time at all reading. I had read enough! No moral code, no armegeddon just around the corner, nothing really to do at all. I was passive, yet sour. I felt free, but at the same time let down. I wrote music to sort my ideas and feeling out. Which eventually lead much later to the formation of my band Before the Solstice in 2007. An angry, "Fuck religion, and the government, type of band at first". It was my vehicle to wake people up to the fact that religion and the system had failed mankind and the earth. At this point in my life I was an atheist. There was no God looking down on us that created the universe. However I did not believe that the universe had a beginning at all really, or at least "we" did not have a beginning. I saw the universe as God, and since we were the most intelligent beings that I knew existed, then "We" must be God, collectively. So I guess I wasn't a total cold dead "rationalist", but I was kind of close to that.
I am writing too much here. I will finish this story and tell you where i am at now. In 2008 I had a near death experience when I got pancreatitis from drinking excessive amounts of gin. I was drinking because of my severe panic disorder that had reared it's ugly head again, having daily episodes in which I felt I could not breath and that I was having a heart attack. I would have up to three of these attacks a day! I would drink to escape the fear I had during an attack. If I didn't drink I would go admit myself to a hospital thinking I was having a heart attack or something, just to be told that there was nothing wrong with me physically. I also was living in a house that was haunted by a ghost who had attached to my anger against my parents who shunned me because I had left their religion (The Jehovah's Witness practice shunning members who no longer believe like them, even close family members, my parents had nothing to do with me), and my fear of fighting back against the cult. I think that the ghost was also drinking through me. I spiraled down into a black hole, which lead to me fighting for my life in the hospital for two months. All of my organs shut down because of the complications involved in my severe case of pancreatitis, except for my heart and brain. I was put on life support and a breathing machine for 40 days straight and also was not allowed to even eat for that time or drink, not even allowing a feeding tube because food going into my digestive tract could cause my pancreas to react even more violently. This near death experience opened me up to other dimensions of reality that I had only day dreamed about in everyday consciousness. It also showed me that my fear of dying, is what lead to my near death. Fear became the enemy. I also realized that to combat my fear I most actively face all the things that I had avoided because of fear of being rejected and hated by my loved ones in the cult, and by society in general.
Soon afterward I could feel my own oneness with the Divine in a way i never did before. It was real to me, it was powerful, and I felt that I could face the things that I had ran from this whole time by drinking and partying. Instead of drinking, I faced my demons and the demons of those around me. This was a powerful approach to life for me, and it helped me escape from my panic disorder and many other emotional problems I had to deal with earlier in my life. I told my parents that I didn't agree with the abuses of shunning practiced by their religion, and that if we are to have a new earth, then we have to have an active role in bringing that about. I told them that I would never again let the men in their religion rule my life. From that point on, I faced the world this way, bravely, believing that I have authority to change things on this plane, not having to hopelessly complain and drink my troubles away.
After almost a year of practicing near daily meditation and bringing my level of anxiety down in 2010 I am now ready to take things to a new level. Meeting with other like minds and creating a nucleus of the new world. I am ready to do this, as I am also ready to face even more personal demons that are presented to me to be integrated or let go. I believe that as I deal with the demons inside that I and "we" should deal with the demons in other and the world at large. that is how we will rid it's world of it's "dysfunction".