decision time

it's been slowly creeping up on me. i should have been aware, i was, but time always flies does it not. and now, it seems as if suddenly it just appeared out of nowhere: decision time.

i have know this moment will come. i even knew when it will be. known it for years, months. and still, stuck my head into the sand. not willing to think about it. the excuse was that i was too pre-occupied with what i needed to get done (not for myself only) until that time, until it arrived. it was not completely true. i kinda lied to myself and to others around me with regards to this. i could have and should have done more - but somehow it was not possible.

and now here it is. written all over in big scary letters. decision time.

it's not that i have a lot of time to contemplate anymore (i have used it all up) - i need to make a decision within a day. and i am p-ing my pants. i am scared. i am waiting for that gut feeling. have been waiting for so long now. and i don't feel it. although somehow i know it will be the right thing to do. so is it the gut or the mind telling me now? i don't know.

the decision to be made is to move. not really a big one i'd say. but still - it is not only "a move" it is also a change of focus, a change of what i do and want to do with my life and yes, it is again, a new beginning. i mean again not only in a good way. i am getting tired of moving and kinda setting up a home, a base, friends, or such and more. however, i know where i am now i will not get all i want. but what do i really want?

hmm...

at the moment i can somehow survive - get through a month covering most of my bills, doing the odd jobs and such. i could go on like this - no worries. and somehow it feels kinda "safe" although it might not be - actually it for sure is not - what i want but it feels "safe" as i have the people and the surrounding around me that kinda makes it feel ok. jumping into the deep end again is what scares me. and yet, i need to. i know that.

leaving here and heading to somewhere i have been before but with a completely different mindset feels somehow as if going back in time, making a step backwards although i know it will be different this time. i will see all in a different light. with eyes that have seen much inbetween, with all senses that have experienced so much inbetween. i am just worried whether i will do it justice or even, whether the place will do the image in my head justice. i am worried that it is another "it's always greener on the other side" kinda thing. again!

and yet, i wonder whether it matters where i am. i.e. the place itself. or whether i rather need to focus on the "resources" (yikes, horrible term) that are offered there, that i can dive into and make the most out of - in conjunctions with the ideas that have been forming in my head and which i can no longer, wish no longer to surpress.

i feel the time is now. the time is now to do what i know is the only way forward. regardless of location but the vision points, or rather drags me to where i intend to go. so why am i holding back? so scared of failure am i? so scared of disillusion? of being slapped in the face? scared of losing my idealism once finally stepping up?

would i have worried 10 or 15 years ago? no! i would have just jumped. so why is it so much harder now? do i know too much or too little now? have i lost my guts?

and then again...what have i got to lose? apart from everything if i do not give it a go at least...or not?