losing and finding

"i haven't been around for a while. i have not even checked in. after finding Evolver way back when, and feeling as having found a place to stay at first, it then lost my attention, my focus and my needs became different. whether this had to do with a decision taken, a re-shift in focus, or just a gut-feeling that it was not needed, not at the time - i don't know. maybe it was also due to me losing sight, getting sucked into "reality" again...who knows. and i am not sure i need to disect the why's at all."

I started this on the first day of this new year. And never got any further, as there was nothing else I could say, could formulate in my mind. Now, however, it feels like I can elaborate and take it a bit further. Having achieved a bit of distance and able to settle again I feel less uneasy and much more grounded. So much so, that I dare to dive into my mind again. Do you sometimes get this feeling of needing to stay focused on "reality" - just to survive - mentally mainly?

I realise now I find myself in these situations when I no longer am grounded - either by my own doing or by what is happening around me. This feeling of being without roots, of not yet knowing where to tread always makes me want to hold on to the "known" (whatever that is, I guess more the what-I-know-and-have-done-so-far-and-before or my "reality"?) and then I am by no means strong enough, or have the guts to seek out things that might just upset the equilibrium I think I need.

But I realise now, that there is no such thing as a woman-made-equilibrium - i.e. I do not, can not construct it. I do not have to. As it is here anyways. Always. But at times I just don't see it. I don't have the faith. Until it becomes so obvious and hits me in my face that I can not help but to notice it.

All my life (well let's say good 2/3 of it) I was striving to "be content" - whatever I meant by that. I reckon that state of what I now call equilibirum (and by whatever other name it goes - I guess you all know what I mean). I always thought I needed to change almost all things in my life and around me to get there. That I needed to work for it to achieve it. To do this or that, to move here or there. To seek in order to find.

Now I realise I needed to lose in order to find - I needed to lose myself, my urges, my old-held beliefs. Over and over and over again. As it is not a single event it is a mission, a continuous learning and realising, going back and forth between knowing and not, between seeing and not, between understanding and not...losing and finding...

And not to find really, but to see. It's always been here but I have been just too blind lately (again!)...