An experiment in consciousness -- Journal of the Chimbre Shamanic Experience

December 17, 2010 –

For this first of many entries, I will describe the parameters of this project, its goal, and its current status.

This project was spawned by the management of Chimbre Shamanic Retreat, a shamanic healing center located in Peru. I was initially hired by Chimbre to act as a resident writer; to live on site in the Amazon jungle, work with the psychoactive plant medicines, and be initiated into the shamanic knowledge offered by the Chimbre’s resident shaman. All while journaling the entire experience. Chimbre’s aim in this is to have some documentation of the Chimbre experience. But, there is also a more personal element to it for me. Not only will I describe the experience of living at Chimbre, I will be focusing on how the medicines and the work I do with the shaman affect my own state of being. I will describe the more broad and impersonal experience for Chimbre’s purposes, while concurrently documenting my own personal experiences.

The goal behind this project, from Chimbre’s perspective, is to illuminate the benefits of this shamanic work, so that others in need of this work will recognize how it can help them, and, ideally, choose to spend some time at Chimbre. The goal behind documenting my own personal experience is to eternalize the lessons I hope to learn, to catalyze the changes that could otherwise be undone over time, and to forever have a reminder of the mind expansion I hope to endure.

Located about 30 minutes outside of Puerto Maldonado, Peru, Chimbre is still in its adolescence. Construction began not much more than a year ago, and continues on today. The main ceremonial structure and surrounding facilities are well finished, and quite impressive, yet local construction workers are still erecting small bungalows, boardwalks and tenting platforms in the lower lying jungles around the main center. Even though construction is still underway, Chimbre has been accepting guests and performing much shamanic work over the past months. As construction comes to its completion over the next couple of months, Chimbre will become a sparkling gem in the middle of the jungle, and an outstanding facility of healing for the mind, spirit, physical and ethereal bodies.

As for me, I seem to be in a state of apparent well being. I am not seeking to heal any major neuroses, depression, or life crises. Ayahuasca, one of the psychoactive plant medicines that are commonly worked with at Chimbre, has been said to cure addictions. I toy with nicotine, but I am not suffering from any major addictions, excluding a questionable periodic overindulgence in alcohol, and, even less frequently, MDMA.
Financially, I am not a wealthy man. However, in recent times, I have had fair luck in generating enough income to maintain a fulfilling lifestyle. And I have several promising ventures lined up from my immediate to more distant future, therefore am not approaching this as a means of increasing my income through some divine revelation. I am comfortable with my current position. My life is full of excitement, passion, and fun. I am in control of my own destiny, and my skills of manifestation have never been more effective. I simply love the experience of life. With that said, I believe some of this current well being, happiness and luck have come since I first worked with Ayahuasca. I participated in only one Ayahuasca ceremony, four months ago, and can still feel the effects of the changes engrained by the medicine. I believe, however, there is much, in terms of psychic evolution, yet to be accomplished. And I believe working with Ayahuasca will turbo charge my progress. For that reason, I hold much excitement and anticipation for what is to come.

On February 6, 2011, I will fly to Peru. By February 7, I will have arrived at Chimbre to begin this exciting adventure. Until then, my anticipation of what lies ahead will continue to excite me, and fuel my passion for life.

December 21, 2010 -

The past weekend was heavy. Before Friday afternoon, I was feeling unstoppable. I had worked out four or five days in a row. My body was hydrated, well oxygenated, and pumped full of endorphins. Friday night became a situation in which I over indulged in wine, cigars, and some prescription painkillers that a friend who’d just broken his arm threw my way. I went further into intoxication than others at the same sitting.
What does that mean? I don’t know, but that carried over into Saturday, which involved me drinking very heavily again. So much, in fact, that I blacked out, lost my memory, fell over several times, nearly got thrown out of a bar, and continued on to light up a joint in my parents’ basement…at five in the morning. I woke up with bruises scattered across my body, no memory, and later found out that I was making inappropriate gestures toward a female friend the previous night.

Today I feel embarrassed and humbled. Sometimes I get to thinking I’m some super human conquistador and my attitude gets very offensive. I then typically become loathsome of myself and take it easy for a few weekends, until I start to forget my mistakes and go out hard again, winding up in the same state. That’s where I am now. Thinking negative thoughts about myself and taking it out on the world around me. This must stop. I’m going way too hard…why?

December 23, 2010 -

I had an unexpected and very vivid “plant medicine” experience last night. It started off with my friend Mike and I having a few drinks and going to a local strip bar. The place was unexpectedly packed, due to the Christmas holidays and people having time off work. It was full. During the night, I ran into a hometown friend of mine who invited us back to his place for an after party. So, we went. By the time we got there, we, and most other people, were quite well into a thick buzz…just alcohol at that point…for us, anyway.

The after party was nothing worth writing about. But, there, I did manage to get my hands on a bag of mushrooms…about six grams. As the male to female ratio was a bit disappointing, Mike and I decided to vacate the party and walk home. Minutes after we left, one of us or the other, suggested that we eat the mushrooms on the walk home. I am fairly certain it was Mike who encouraged it. Or, at least, he encouraged us in eating the entire bag. That is what we did. We ate the entire bag of mushrooms. I put a handful of dried psilocybe mushrooms in my mouth and just started chomping.

We decided to take the “scenic route” home. By that, I mean a two kilometer stretch of riverside forest that runs longitudinally through Walkerton.

The mushrooms kicked in just as we entered the forest. If we ate an approximate three grams each, then we had a substantial dose. Most common dosages are between one and two grams. So, they came on strong…and fast. It was the perfect setting for a full on mushroom experience. We’ve had abundant snow over the past weeks, leaving a thick layer of snow on the ground and in the trees. The sky appeared to be coloured an eerie pink, and the light from the moon reflected off the snow, lighting the forest around us.
I was mesmerized by the trees. They seemed to claw into the sky. The leafless, fingerlike branches stretched toward the heavens, flaunting their awesomeness. The forest was speaking to me. “This is your home. This is where you belong. Nothing else matters. Nature is everything.” I communed with the spirit of my departed dog, whom is now buried in that same forest, resting in nature as I will inevitably be someday. The forest called to me like a welcoming mother, offering me her warm embrace. I realized that everything – all these fantasies in my mind, the big ideas I get, the need to travel to far away lands, the desire to change the course of our planetary destruction – it all means nothing. My true nature is nature. I felt my death soon approaching. That could mean years from now, yet, by nature’s clock, very soon. However, I felt comfort that, one day, my physical body will simply absorb back into the web of nature from whence it came, and I will finally rest.

December 27, 2010 –

I had some interesting feedback from members of my extended family last night. Part of this project, for me, is a social experiment. I want to bring Ayahuasca and the use of plant medicines, particularly psychedelics, into the mainstream. In order to do that, the mainstream must change its perspective on using psychedelics. Medicinal psychedelics – such as Ayahuasca – should not be lumped together with harmful and addictive street drugs such as cocaine, heroin, or methamphetamine. Yet, as our culture has conditioned, the mainstream view is that all drugs are bad, and psychedelic medicines are nothing more than drugs. There are some theories as to why psychedelics have been repressed in Western society. Some suggest that psychedelics could threaten the power elite – the oligarchic card holders of the Western power structure – by opening people’s minds to the futility of consumerism, and exposing the true nature of our existence, which is nature, peace, beauty, and unified consciousness. That would loosen the authoritative grip of religions, governments, and monetary economies, by freeing the consciousness of the masses and, ultimately, resulting in a societal revolution.

Regardless of why, the fact is that psychedelics have been assigned a negative social stigma in the mainstream population. My own extended family is a good example of that. Last night, at our annual Christmas gathering, my aunt Diana said something to me that really provoked me. In reference to this project, she said, rather bitterly “I heard about that! You’re going down to the jungle to get high! Well I think that instead of doing that you should get your act together and get a job.” Due to the fact I hadn’t actually explained this project to my aunt, she must have heard about what I’m doing from somebody else. So, I took what she said as the rumour and opinion that is circulating between my aunts, uncles, and whoever else in the family. Later in the evening, I was smoking a joint with her two sons, and they laughingly rejected the idea that plant medicines are anything more than drugs, to be lumped together with all other drugs. However, countering that, I also had a long conversation with my cousin in law, Paul. He understands the premise behind working with psychedelic medicines and found this project quite interesting. Given, of course, that he is a well traveled man from New Zealand and wasn't indoctrinated from birth into Canadian society as my other relatives were. I’ve also had interesting reactions from other aunts, uncles and cousins. Most don’t really understand what I mean by “plant medicines”, and if they do, some don’t really know how they “should” feel about my open promotion of this project. Therefore, as this project progresses, it will be interesting to keep track of how the opinions of my relatives develop. If I am going to encourage a positive perception of psychedelic plant medicines in the mainstream population, my own extended family would be a good place to start.

December 30, 2010 –

I don’t want to seem self centered with these initial posts. The reason I write about myself in such detail is simply to describe my current state. This project has a beginning, middle, and an end. This is the beginning. And I am the guinea pig. If I am to accurately portray the results of this experiment, then I must accurately describe my current state, and my current thoughts – even if it is embarrassing or offensive.

With that said, I have a few things to say. As much as I have denied it over the years, today, my sister and I concluded that, although I should not be considered an alcoholic, I could be considered a problematic drinker. I regularly drink in considerably heavy proportions. By regularly, I mean two days per week, on average, plus the occasional multiday binge when special occasions arise. By heavy proportions, I mean fifteen or more regular drinks in one sitting, sometimes continuing over the course of numerous hours or throughout subsequent days, and often mixing hard liquor, wine, and beer. During these binges, I often lack control while drinking, which leads to excessive consumption, intoxication and the inevitable problems that come with excessive intoxication, such as aggressive, arrogant behaviour, irresponsible spending, and disrespectful actions toward others. Additionally, I am certain that alcohol is the main cause of a persistent layer of stomach fat that I work feverishly to dispose of. This has been a regular habit since I was in my mid teens…over ten years now. I’ve tried, periodically, to get off the sauce. But, inevitably, I find myself participating in these full on binges. In fact, last night was the seventh consecutive night that I consumed a significant amount of alcohol. And I wasn’t shy with it. Now, this kind of extreme binge does not happen often…I would consider the Christmas holidays to be an extenuating circumstance. Yet, that fact is, these binges do happen, and it’s not normal or healthy. Maybe I am, after all, suffering from an addiction to alcohol…to some degree, at least.

Beyond my confession of alcoholism, I’ve had some valuable insights over the past hours. After only a few hours of sleep, I woke up on my sister’s couch, feeling extremely volatile and still intoxicated from last night. As the sun beat through the window beside me, I was unable to sleep, and arose in somewhat of a fury. Frustrated by the outcome of the evening, and by the outflow of cash from my wallet, I aggressively changed my clothes and jumped in the car, speeding to the mall to get some breakfast. Now, over the past few days, since my latest blog, my aunt’s opinion and what her opinion represents has been coursing through my mind. What her opinion represents is an example of how consciousness determines action. Her statements of “You’re just going down to the jungle to get high!” and “I think you should get your act together and get a job!” represent her worldview, her consciousness. Now, it must be said, I have a lot of respect for my aunt. She is a very strong and successful woman, and she’s always been good to me. All I’m saying is that her consciousness ultimately defines her actions in life. And where my worldview or my consciousness differs from hers, so do my actions. Hence, I am not focused on getting a job so I can simply earn money, but I am focused on following my passions, exploring the world, and deeply experiencing every nook and cranny of this ever so short life that I have been awarded. Money is just a hurdle, a technicality. The only valuable currency I recognize is experience.

Adding to my point, this morning I was sitting in the food court of the mall eating breakfast, feeling as I just now finished describing, passively watching news headlines on a distant TV screen as I chomped away on my sausage and egg breakfast wrap. One of the news headlines disturbed me. It read, “900 pound raging bull escapes slaughter, shot after two mile chase.” Initially empathizing with the creature, I considered its last desperate attempt at survival. It knew it was being sent to its death -- it must have been terrified -- and it commendably broke free of its prison. Yet, it broke free only to discover that it escaped from one small prison into a larger, all encompassing prison – human society – from which there is no escape. I thought “how brutal and cruel must we be, to allow the imprisonment of creatures, to allow the sheer terror and torture of creatures to continue?” But, as it is now, humanity, as a whole, is a brutal and cruel species. Humanity, as a whole, is a hateful, irresponsible and destructive species. That instant, on the television, an image of a mother whale and her calf swimming in the ocean appeared. I thought “even if these creatures are not imprisoned by a cage or bars, they are still subject to the inescapable prison of a human dominated Earth.” It is inevitable that they will one day face a detrimental consequence of human contact -- whether it will be a harpoon, toxic sludge, oil spillage, or noise pollution from shipping traffic. Even in the middle of the great, deep ocean, we hold them captive, and our actions affect their fate.

Therefore, we must accept responsibility for our actions. We must acknowledge the farthest reaches and consequences of our lifestyle choices. But, that, I believe, is not possible as long as we cling to this state of consciousness that currently dominates our society. The future of humanity is that of responsibility, of peace, of love for all creatures. It must be, because it is necessary of we are to survive on Earth. The new human race will scoff at the concept of imprisoning creatures, torturing them, and leading them to a terrifying slaughter. The new human race will not accept the chance of oil spills or the possibility of global warming, just so we can drive to the corner store or eat apples from the opposite hemisphere in the middle of winter. The new human race will strive to prevent the vast disparity of resource availability, denying the preconception that greed and material accumulation is good. But, if we are to transcend to this new level, to become this new responsible human race, we must embrace a new collective consciousness. Only when we, as a whole, see the world through the lens of this new consciousness, will our actions effectively change.