Shrooms Pt2
posted by Connor | October 23, 2010
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IcerocketSo last time I tried shrooms, I felt like a part of my Ego was broken, I understood stuff soo much better, I felt like suupper spiritual and more connected with nature. However I tried shrooms for the second time last night and a completely different Ego death occurred. if you can call it that. I started out in Manitou with my good friend and we just sat by the river and talked and connected with nature and walked around talking. then we headed back up to to our end of town and split up for the night, Pretty much after my friend left My trip started turning to self examination. I started thinking about who i really was. And how who I think i am is probably imaginary, as described by Buddhist practices. Who we think we appear to be and what kind of person we think we are, is completely imaginary. i felt like what if I'm some weirdo, creeper, maniac and all of my friends just don't tell me. I basically convinced myself that it is completely possible that I am insane. I realized I am a horrible person. I wondered if I am really so connected with nature and my friends and family, as i think I am or really just some sociopath unable to feel Love or Emotion. I then began to realize, that shrooms make you actually confront your worst fears. if you wonder if your insane, you have to think about it, theres no rationalization, or any way to not face it. if you wonder something, your destined to fully think it out, when your on shrooms. I realized that I was feeling Alone and Horrible, and that alone shows that I desire Love and Companions. I realized that I may treat some people horribly, like my parents. But I knew that realizing and facing this, was making me feel so regretful and sorry and wanting to make amends. I wrote my mom a letter apologizing for saying really hurtful things when we fight. I texted my ex girlfriend and apologized because I realized that I had ruined our relationship by letting other peoples influence effect how i felt about her. And that she obviously had wanted to be with me for who I am, so no matter what she had been there for me and I had ruined it. I felt so sorry for breaking up with her and honestly wanted her back. I texted a friend who I've recently had a falling out with and told them how i felt. I guess I realized that maybe I am a horrible person, but I also have alot of good in me. and I can try to be a better person once I realize that what I'm doing is wrong. This may have been the worst experience on shrooms, but also maybe a good lesson at the same time.
Comments
oh, the young
— Oct 25, 2010
oh, the young psychonaut.
you have much to learn, friend.
this blog pretty much summed up the one i wrote about my latest experience with ego-death, you should have heeded my warnings.
On bad trips, everything seems wrong, but you have to calm your 'self' and become aware that everything is right, that's why i went to hide in my van from my friends at the party, it was one of the most frightening experiences i've ever had, but i certainly gained a lot through it. And once i knew that i was okay, that i was being guided and that i could 'control' it, it was certainly a most profound life-changing experience, that i feel was meant for me to continue forward in this journey i've accepted.
Remember that i said 'when you can question your own sanity, you are sane enough at least to question ' which is more sane than others by far, and also i said something like 'prior continual conscious thought, in depth in idealistic subjects in particular, influence the 'trip' experience, much like they influence experience in life and conscious thought itself, and also like how a dream can be influenced by the very same thing', because you become 'at once' with your own consciousness that is above the material world and in tune with emotion of 'your self' and that of the Universe and the earth in which you live, it all makes sense in the end.
-A.
Yeah, that's sort of what
— Oct 25, 2010
Yeah, that's sort of what hapened. But I couldn't control it enough to fully stop myself from feelin bad. Towards the end I realized that "this was all a lesson" really, so I should realize what I'm realize about myself and take it into practice. But I still felt sad haha. I think maybe influences such as it being night, me being alone and my friend and I having deep conversations about reality, sanity etc, made my subconscious project this type of trip. It's crazy we always have similar experiences with things x]
that's exactly what
— Oct 25, 2010
that's exactly what happened, you were influenced by emotion and imagination, i was on the very edge of losing it and having a horrible trip multiple times, right after the show when i was walking around all these people, waiting for half an hour or more in line crowded by a hundred people (tripping for sure but still on a heavy come up, and from the vibes of the show, i was left speechless) then when i first walked into the party, i already had known that it would be too much as i was feeling the trip coming on strong, but continued to maintain myself as i wanted to be sociable, but it was so hard for some reason, i was talking to those people and, i guess, i sounded fucked up (because i could hardly form words) and they immediately asked "what did you take?!" which freaked me out, when i turned into the back of my van i was in almost complete, peaceful silence, finally having a chance to meditate and calm myself down, and after my brother checked on me, completely alone. This was a point where i had a decision to make, and that is where i chose to hold on to one fragment of Reality, but let the rest of me free in the momentous experience, as i recall "floating" in the van in between the space of the roof and the mattress, as i experienced the some-sort-of 'grid' in space-time, and felt very real presences in the van with me while i was alone. As people came into the van, i had to grab a hold of that one piece of reality and pull myself back down to a more suitable Reality to relate with my friends and brothers (which was probably great practice for me, as i learned quite a bit from myself, but still want to trip while under complete trance, and let go just a little bit more at a time)
Ah it was just all so very intense and interesting to me.
It's not like it was a "bad trip", though some parts of it were horrible, it was bitter sweet, just as life itself is.
-A.
The Work
— Oct 25, 2010
Conner, you are very fortunate to be here now open to support and people who can share what you are feeling. Self judgement is the beginning of seeing the bigger picture. Like Gaia says, and you realise; It's all lessons.
Deep psychology is a complex realm. I understand your exuberance and must caution you to take your time. I expect you are familiar with the analogy that these are tools like fire or a knife and require respect and even reverence if expected to provide comfort and protection down the road.
If you intend to continue exploring this mystery I pray you proceed with a pure heart. I believe that is the ONLY vehicle that will cross over intact.
Live well, be free.
Zimij
I definitely get what both
— Oct 26, 2010
I definitely get what both of you are sayin! So far I'm really feeling good advice coming from everyone hah. so many wise people
