the spring of knowledge

Anyway, I used to feel like I was…. Unaware of all of it… actually that’s a lie I totally still feel like that. But Ill let you know right off the bat that the gospel of Thomas quote about the spring of knowledge is so right. Someone asks Jesus if the thirst for knowledge will ever be quenched and he says "When once you have drunk from the spring of knowledge, you will return again and again, for each time your thirst is satisfied, a new thirst will grow, greater than the first. The more you drink, the greater will be your desire to drink, but in the intensity of your desire, you will be filled. I tell you the truth when I say that whoever seeks will find, and the finding will cause him to seek, but in the seeking is hidden the meaning of Life." I’m still wrestling with “in the seeking is hidden the meaning of life” Maybe that’s about just what we should be doing with our lives is seeking.. yea probably that’s what it is… but the rest of it couldn’t be more understood and that’s the emotion I’m trying to explain in writing this.

I wish I could catalog my journey through the things I have experienced and read. It always brings me to something closer but making me aware of how infinitely far away I am… then I think about the relative distance of others on the planet and it’s like holy shit. Everything I’m reading, and I know what I’ve experienced, is telling me that I’m not where I’m supposed to be, that I’m involved in a dualistic experiment that could be closely explained as a “death-wish” that my entire reality that I’ve ever known is i guess fucked, and that no one (mainstream) really knows or wants to believe this, but we all have a phenomenal opportunity to come home, back to oneness. So in my mind I think..

Why the hell am I in college? Is writing this lab report really this necessary in the midst of such astonishing realizations? But it’s been so gradual, I rarely have the opportunity to have tears rush to my eyes in awe of what I discover these days because it’s expected. I get these emotions of love, hope, astonishment, and belief every time I read something that resonates inside of me. I wonder what it would feel like to roll it all up into one ball at one moment in time and have it released in my mind. I’d probably go freak out running down the street laughily screaming WAKE THE FUCK UP to people with a huge smile and tears rushing down my eyes.. only then finding myself locked up in some psych ward somewhere. And that’s another thing… it’s like I’m an addict to the truth and there’s no prescription for my passion, a whole world outside sleeps and I lie to them every day. I fake the act. If they knew what went on in my mind, in your guys mind, they wouldn’t know what to do… but I know we’re all trying, I’m trying. I’ll wake you up whispering in your ear things you already feel are true to you that you find in others. I can’t, as much as I want to, shake you out of bed in a hurry, you won’t know where you are.