How can I break free?
posted by Devika Spiralstone | April 5, 2011
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IcerocketAbout an hour ago my mum shouted at me and blamed me for ruining her kitchen work surface with my carelessness, splashing water as I washed up the dishes. I was a little at a loss as to how to respond and tried a little bit of reasoning. "Maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe we could replace a small bit". Unsurprisingly, it wasn't very effective. The inner me knew that I was probably, in part, responsible. Yes, I do drift off into dreamlike reveries pretty frequently, despite my intention to be present in each moment. In that moment that she was shouting though, I didn't really know what percentage responsible I was. Two other people wash up. Are they really more careful than me? Is there another possibility here? Was that even remotely relevant?
What I did sense was that deep down I was not blamed and not condemned and the fact that my mind was entertaining thoughts of blame and guilt and condemnation set up a powerful emotional reaction within me.
All that guilt that I have felt at never feeling good enough in the eyes of my mother, flooded back, all that past and the tears flowed thick and fast. I sat in the dark, with the cat purring compassionately by my side, and repeated true thoughts to myself. That my mother is doing the best she can, that her unconsciousness is a reflection of the world she lives in, that the one who suffers most from her unconsciousness is her, that I am not a victim, that I am a powerful, radiant being of light, that I love her, that I forgive her and that I love and forgive me.
Yet, I haven't let it go. This principle has been echoed through countless scenarios between my mother and I and they keep on continuing. Through the years I experimented with all sorts of different communication methods and eventually came to the understanding that I needed to let go. The universe has been unflinching in contriving scenarios that continue to activate this trigger, subtly suggesting that this lesson MUST be learnt before I can move on.
I still care so much what she thinks and she thinks I don't care at all. We have had honest exchanges from time to time, but nothing lasts. My mum is attached to being a martyr and I suppose I am attached to being her victim.
How can I break free? I am fresh in emotion right now and not clear. Part of me wants to delete all of this now and save myself for a more conscious moment, but this is me too and I can feel that this me wants to be honoured and not hidden away out of sight.
Comments
As long as you're living
— Apr 06, 2011
As long as you're living with her, you'll be at the whims of her psychological ways of being. People are entangled in that way, especially family, especially mothers and their children.
This will continue until you're on your own.
It's always possible for things to change dramatically, but more often than not, after their mid to late 20's people tend to stick with who/how they are and don't understand people trying to change that.
A powerful point
— Apr 21, 2011
Could it be that simple I wonder? Perhaps it is. I have noticed this tendency in myself to overcomplicate things. Though I have no actual 'set in stone' plan to leave, the intention is there and life seems to be unfolding in that direction. At last, I am letting go of the physical reflections of my past and dramatically reducing the number of possessions I have.
Thank you for making this simple point. It has sparked a good deal of reflection.
Courtesy and thoughtfulness?
— Apr 07, 2011
Maybe your Mom just wants you to be courteous and thoughtful and learn to participate in responsibility. Earth plane mothers, and most of us can get so caught up in the mundane...how things appear. We forget that it hurts the ones we love most.
Recently my Harvard educated daughter commented that she felt she wasn't emotionally mature enough for me growing up. I remember feeling the same way toward my mother. Yet I was aghast at that as I have always felt she was so connected and so ahead of her years How interesting we perceive one another so inaccurately.
I am so appreciative she felt safe and close enough to me to share this. Because of this I was able to share all the ways I felt unconscious raising her.
The mother-daughter bond is so very complicated. Sometimes it takes until children get into their 30s and beyond to talk about their feelings.
Control issues are horrible for both parent and child. As I remind my children, none of us get out of any of this alive.
Thank you for bringing the mother perspective to the table
— Apr 21, 2011
I find this to be a powerful reminder every time, to take a moment and pause and be willing to step inside someone else's shoes.
I know, in my most honest moments, that I am doing my best to live in integrity with who I am in a way that is harmonious to the whole. Yet, there is confusion, because what I thought I was, seems to be crumbling away and I'm left wondering what an earth I am...spiritual teachings have helped me to make sense of things intellectually, but I am lacking much of the direct experiential truths to which they point.
I often question am I just using spiritual sounding concepts to avoid responsibility because I am either afraid of it or just plain lazy...it's possible, because sometimes I detect the petulant child and the entitled teenager in me.
Yes, there do seem to be so many issues wrapped up in the mother/daughter relationship. I always thought growing up my issues were with my dad, and so I actually worked through these with him and came to an eventual space of resolution and healing.
Then I peeled back some more layers of the onion and found woah, I am really really angry at my mum and I didn't even know til now. I can't make her talk to me about this but I can keep remembering that her perspective is as real to her as mine is to me. Somewhere in there, compassion lies I think.
On Letting Go
— Apr 08, 2011
Devika,
I could identify with your post-- I used to get really triggered by my mom. Have you ever heard of The Work of Byron Katie? It's a simple meditative inquiry process that helped me a lot in dealing with my mom and everyone else: www.thework.com.
Regards,
Carolyn
Thanks for the support
— Apr 21, 2011
It's nice to be reminded that lots of people do get triggered by their mothers. Always a relief to remember I'm not the only one.
I heard of Byron Katie in passing a few years ago, but don't know much about her work. Thanks for the link, I will be sure to check it out :)
