MY PAIN BODY CAN BEAT UP YOUR PAIN BODY

Have you ever come face to face with someone else’s pain-body? We ALL have at some point or another, and it’s not much fun. In fact, it pretty much sucks when it happens. If you’ve never heard of the term “pain-body,” Eckhart Tolle coined it in his book “A New Earth.” He defines it as, “the accumulation of unprocessed, painful emotional memories that we all carry around with us.” Essentially, the pain-body is any deeply held false belief we have about ourselves that lingers dormant within us until it gets “triggered” by some seemingly random event. Then all Hell breaks loose!

For example, you’re driving with your significant other and you say, “I think you need to make a left at the light.” And he or she responds with, “Stop telling me what to do! Do you think I’m some sort of child!”

CLEARLY, the intention isn’t to ridicule or insinuate incompetence, however, this is exactly what the pain-body believes is happening. And it’s VERY real and often very painful for the person experiencing the emotional reaction.

If you’re anything like me, someone else’s pain-body can make your own pain-body rear it’s ugly head. Rather than being compassionate and understanding of their reaction, the instinct is to react back and protect oneself from the attack. We judge the person as “wrong” and their reaction as “unfounded.”

The aspect of our own Ego that identifies itself as being “kind and loving” is suddenly called into question. We may lash back with, “How could you even THINK that about me! I was only helping with directions.” From there, the pain-bodies go to battle to prove whose perception is RIGHT. But, of course, they both are. However, since the goal of the conversation is to establish a “winner” and by default, a “loser,” understanding and healing of either person’s pain-body can never be attained.

The pain-body lies at the heart of every single conflict, disagreement, and argument that has EVER been had. Whenever we have an emotional reaction to anything… the pain-body has been activated. So what exactly is going on and how do we stop the madness?? I mean, wouldn’t life be that much grander if we could all just get along and assume the best of each other and ourselves?

We’ve been told our entire lives that “Communication” is the key to any successful relationship. But if you’ve had an experience like I just described, you know that talking about the problem is futile. First of all, the belief that a problem exists IS THE PROBLEM. As the saying goes, “A problem cannot be solved in the same consciousness in which it arose.” In other words, solutions do not arise from problem consciousness…just more problems.

I know for myself, when this has happened, my goal is to get the other person to understand me. I think to myself, “If I can just get them to see my true intentions, they’ll see no reason to be upset or frustrated with me.” So the goal of communication is to change the other person’s perceptions, which are viewed from the get-go as “invalid” or “unwarranted.” But the other person isn’t seeking to understand, they only want validation that their pain-body is real. They want YOU to understand THEM. It’s kind of like speaking English to someone who only speaks Japanese. You think, “maybe if I talk louder and repeat myself over and over, somehow (MAGICALLY) they’ll understand.” Obviously, this isn’t the case.

Similarly, in needing to be understood, you, too, seek validation that you’re “a good person” and didn’t MEAN to cause harm. Either way, no one is actually listening because the focus is on protecting oneself from blame rather than understanding the perspective of the other person.

I have to admit, this issue has been my own Achilles Heel for sometime. Nothing pains me more than to see someone I love hurting in any way, and for me to be viewed as the source of their upset is even worse! As I’ve consciously chosen my own joy and happiness above all things, I’ve refused to participate in drama of any kind. I hold myself soley responsible for my own emotional reaction—seeing them as opportunities to recognize and let go of the FALSE BELIEFS I’m holding onto that are creating them. In other words, I NEVER ask anyone to be different or to change what they’re doing or saying so that I can feel better. This is what RADICAL SELF RESPONSIBILITY is all about. But what does one do when others aren’t taking this same responsibility for themselves and they project their pain onto you?

I made HUGE strides awhile back when I finally stopped needing to control how others perceived me. I no longer needed to defend my perspective or explain my true intentions. Instead, the most loving thing I felt I could do was allow them to feel whatever they were feeling, let them know I was sorry they were unhappy and gently suggest they choose a different way of perceiving if they desired. I didn’t realize it, but the underlying message was “get back to me when you no longer see ME as the source of your pain.” Drama disappeared out of my life, but love, understanding, and connection has NEVER been the result. I’ve struggled to understand what I could do differently. Again, the question is, “how can one respond WITH LOVE when attacked by the pain-body of another?”

The answer’s so simple, yet it only recently became clear: LISTEN, UNDERSTAND, ALLOW, and ACCEPT. I had the allowing and accepting down, but listening and understanding were my sticking points. I FINALLY discovered that I had my own false beliefs that were lingering under the surface. I believed that by listening and remaining OPEN to understanding the perspective of someone who sees me as the source of their upset, I was somehow agreeing with them that I had actually done something “wrong.”

I am happy to report that THIS IS OBVIOUSLY FALSE!! I’ve come realize that All the person wants is validation that there pain is real. Their concerns are real…FOR THEM. There perspective is TRUE, for them! Without first accepting that the person is having a VALID experience, there’s no possible way to help them recognize and heal the underlying emotional pain that’s creating that experience in the first place!

Also, since I would never ask someone to change or be different so that I could feel better, offering to change MY OWN behavior in order to soothe the pain of others has been absolutely out of the question. But this is just SILLY! What matters more? Being RIGHT or being UNCONDITIONALLY loving, open, and attentive to the emotional pain of those you love? Besides, most people don’t need you to do anything differently, they just want to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. This willingness alone opens the door for communication of the deeper issues at hand—no right, no wrong, no blame… just the intent to learn and love unconditionally.

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