Nemesis in the Mirror

With the coming of each dawn there is an opportunity to recognize that choices that lay before each individual. Each new day is a cross-road. Many times in my life I look to the the paths before me and am overwhelmed by the loom of such decisions. As easy as it is to be swept up by this emotion, I realize that indecision can fester into the plague of ambivalence. It is easy to speak out against, simple enough to identify the problem. The question I ask myself is what will be the medicine to cure this internal epidemic? Does the path to healing lay in call to action? Thus more questions arise, how should I act in my daily life?

Actions must have meaning and efforts value. In the face of an uncertain future one can be crippled by the thought that no matter what we do, we cannot change the world, unless we have been marked by fate and are called upon to be men and women of destiny. Yet many so not realize the power we have to shape our own destines; that despite all circumstance there is always free-will. So then I ask myself, will I stand in my own way or will I be a conduit to my own liberation? After all, here I am in the flesh only for a short time.

In my quest for knowledge I have run into the meandering of various religious, spiritual, and philosophical conceptions of the afterlife. Even in the face of all the wisdom of these traditions the individual is faced with the possibility that life is a small window; that this might be a single shot, a lone spark. Here on this earth life has been given and the human asks, what am I to do with it? As much as we try to achieve with our ambition, we must also "be"; be present in our own lives. Now we must strive to be players and not pawns.

Within every moment that our hearts beat, our lungs breathe, and our minds think, we are entangled in the unfolding human drama. There we fall in and out of comedy and tragedy. In our little lives I think at the least, we seek some type of recognition. Where it comes from it does not matter, whether such recognition comes from our peers or god itself. We desire anything that will give our lives meaning. But for many, simple recognition cannot satisfy and some strive further to obtain glory. From our childhood we are told stories of those men an women that lived such glorious lives that they have been placed among the stars. Their deeds confront us through the ages, by their actions we measure the accomplishments of our own lives. We seek to leave something behind after we are gone. We wish to be remembered, though most of our names will be lost in the ever expanding arch of time.

Without exception every individual must come to terms with his/her own mortality. All paths lead to confrontations with death. In the Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh, mighty Kind of Uruk is in mourning. The gods have deemed that his brother in arms is doomed to perish. Gilgamesh is so distraught after Enkidu's death that he wanders the wilderness, wearing the skins of animals. He travels across a vast ocean into the Underworld. In his search for everlasting life Gilgamesh runs into the wife of an immortal, Siduri. Gilgamesh tells her of his sorrow, and she says unto him,

"You will never find that life for which you are looking. When the gods created man they allotted to him death, but life they retained for their own keeping. As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the lot of man."

Gilgamesh is turned away and is not granted what he so desperately desired. He returns to his throne in Uruk, where he dies. His people lament and his story lost and regained. In the Iliad, Achilles acknowledges fate. His short life a blazing fire and of the many men laid to waste in the sacking of Troy, his name is one of the few that lives in infamy.

What exactly are we to take from these stories? Are the battles we fight destined to end in such futility? Does any of it matter?

It is difficult to say anything for certain. In the face of these questions I arm myself with hope. I turn to who I consider to be a modern prophet. In his song he says, "Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?" No. Understand that I am grateful for what I have been given but I strive for more. How does one go about obtaining that "life"? For me personally, it is about the realization and the manifestation of a vision. A vision of myself. Only I can achieve my goals, only I can make my dreams into a reality. Everyday I must look into the mirror and face my nemesis. Because I am the only one who can achieve that satisfaction, it is only I that can mold my fate. It is by my actions alone that I shape the world in which i live. No one will do it for me, no one can fill that void. If I let the world take the reins, I will feel as if I let my whole life pass me by. It is through my hands, my will, my sweat, blood, and tears that I might satisfy my soul. I am the only one that stands in my way.

Life is a teacher. I realize how harshly it grades and that the learning curve can be quite steep. I feel that the lessons are universal, that even though there be many paths to take the point is to follow them. Stumbling, struggling, being lost is all part of the journey. Nothing is certain, nothing is in stone. The unpredictability of life is the key to its beauty. Siduri's words resonate that despite all hardship our lot is to cherish the small things that give life meaning. Eventually we will all come to a path that is difficult, a road whose challenge is as formidable as the walls of Troy. Put one foot in front of the other; push on with confidence and courage, hope and humility. Facing one-self will weed out lies and uncover truth. Armed with this I see little shame in falter, for sooner or later we will all end up among the stars.