Cycles

I have some strange connection to death. When my spiritual counselor asked me why I am taking 'Death and Dying' this semester, I was hard-pressed to find a real answer. This is something I worry about in my own mind. Is life preparing me for some tragedy? Why am I so pulled toward these quiet places?

I call my higher self 'Persephone', a name that came to me in a meditation before I began my archetypal studies and long after my high school brush with mythology. Upon reading up about this story I found it fits me perfectly. I have a habit of allowing parts of myself to die off and reincarnate into something new. With all the change in my life this is a very familiar process to me.

All my life I have taken the plunge into change blindly, much like the Fool in Tarot. I don't see where I'm going, or allow myself to really come to terms with what I'm asking of myself. Instead I have the habit of going unconscious and diving, only to emerge later, sometimes with a sense of regret, and other times with an intense sense of pride and satisfaction.

And another thing... I like astrology and Tarot. I find meaning in these things. I see value in understanding and practicing them, in using them as the structure from which to see life from 10,000'. Is this wrong? Does it hold any value in the real world? I used to think it was something I could use to help others, to hold discussions from this lofty space of expansion. Now I just don't know. I meet fewer people who are at all interested, and the ones I have met have largely used this information to manipulate, dictate and otherwise abuse the spiritual lives of those early in the journey, myself included. Can there be such a thing as a serious, highly ethical astrologer or reader with an abundance of clients to work with? I just don't know anymore. When I put the feelers out before there were few who were really interested in using these tools for true self-development. Many were instead desperate to keep their mates, to get the job or to otherwise use these archetypal tools to fortune tell, and even then they did not want the ugly truth. People wanted to hear that their mates were not cheating, that they would get married soon, that there would be a large sum of unforeseen money coming there way, etc... I want to look at the development of the spirit, the relationship with the soul, past life influences and subconscious patterns. This work is gruesome, and I find its not something any of us wants to do unless our backs are against a wall. All my giddy spiritual seeking has been replaced with a jaded view of the world and our individual ability to take the reins and gallop forth. What has happened to our spiritual courage, my spiritual courage???

My Saturn return approaches and everything inside of me feels up for review. Do I really want to work as a spiritual counselor or is this just a way for me to feel good about myself? Do I really want to live a life of high voltage inner power and do the work required of that existence, or would I rather pretend I do and be stuck in perpetual struggle? Do I want to stay home with my kids or build a career full of money and prestige? Do I want a stable inner life or the vast freedom of noncommittal travel and action? What do I have to sacrifice for the choices I make, and, am I willing and able to do this?

These are the winds swirling through my restless mind today.

Peace, V