Self-Reflection

The last three years have been more like a dream than waking life. The journey has taken me from 'domestic bliss' to high power ego bliss, sexual exploration galore, worldly travel, self discovery, prioritization, creative breakthroughs, successes, failures, dream-come-trues turned nightmares, and worst fears transformed into incredible power sources. Back to the beginning again am I. Back where this all began, and I am pensive considering the specific invitation life presents me with now.

Coupled, pregnant, domesticating, slowing down, experiencing intimacy... here I am, back in stability, which has its perks. This time it is so very different: I love this man, we share basic values and principles, and rather than property between us, there is incredible passion, for each other and for our goals and paths in life which are so similar.

All this bliss, but I am reeling. Over night I am altered by this experience. With simple moments to sit in silence I am overwhelmed with the kind of emotional explosion that might strike after three years traveling around the world. The weight of "what the fuck just happened to me?" and "where the fuck have I been? Did all of that really just move through my life?" hits from time to time.

Perhaps this is the effect of the final stage of a Pluto transit; considering, collecting, reconciling, and taking inventory of what actually remains. This, friends, is where I am today.

Break this open, throw away the shell,
Grind it down to that awful spell
Of smell and taste and sense and dream
Of potential and essence and secrets between
The structures of bones and flesh, the mess that seems more important
Than any truth, comforts opponent.
Luxury suffocates risk's reprieve
And nearly kills a lifetime's destiny
But planets rotate in perfect harmony,
Making sure all is as it should be
So when Pluto meets circumstance with a flash
the actor is forced to dissolve the mask
And the excuse
And the fear
Allowing the soul to express that which is truly dear:
the sun inside learns to shine,
And to never pretend again to be blind.

Sometimes it feels better to sink inside than to embrace the stage we inhabit. Sometimes the 'outer' world seems to make little sense. The stage of this human play can seem so fickle, so painstakingly detailed, and so full of parameters by which we must all, at some point, obey.

And yet, the illusion that the outer is separate from the inner is one that serves none; it is simply untruth. We have many things to learn. At times it seems that the more we learn the less we know. Other times it seems that when we feel we know very little we know exactly how to navigate these waters.

For today I thankfully consider all that comes to my life now with a greater appreciation for that which truly matters than I had at the beginning of this journey. This is the appreciation of the simple things in life that make it worthwhile; laughter, affection, love, spring mornings, and the sounds of birds singing. Alas, after three long years around the world of inner secrets, I move ever closer toward inner sustainability.

Thank you, Pluto. And so begins my recovery. =)