Tuning In and Tuning Up
posted by Virginia Jester | September 25, 2011
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IcerocketAt the behest of a new ally, minister and life coach I am blogging my daily emotional experience. Rather than sharing old stories or big revelations, I'll use this space to share the baby steps, and, perhaps, open the floodgates of authenticity. In light of this, I request only that we not get preachy with each other here, or mean for that matter. I intend to be most vulnerable in sharing my real-time process and feelings. If it speaks to you, wonderful, and if it doesn't, that's okay too. I would just really love to a) be free from someone else's imposing rules, and b) be free from someone else's blind internet rage.
Having laid the ground rules, let's jump in...
I feel lost in one perspective of thousands available to me in my own mind. Perhaps the number is infinite truly. For now, however, one has dominated. As expected, its an old one, one triggered when I am afraid and am unsure of what to do. I feel impotent in my life lately, lost, without meaning or positive power. I have little patience for my kids, who, in sensing this, require ten times the amount of attention from me than they did before. I feel haphazard. What am I doing and why? I felt proud that I didn't want to be a housewife, that I had greater aspirations. And yet, by incredible circumstance, here I am. First an unexpected pregnancy, and then an unexpected accident have contributed to my deflation, slowing down and deep need to rehabilitate my drained and broken body and my tested spirit.
Returning to school has ignited an old familiar flame to me- that of the seeker. I love learning, knowledge and the dissemination of information. Each day that I get to enjoy this pursuit fully away from my home and, especially my children, I feel a sense of inner fulfillment, like a battery charge. I love my kids with all of my heart, and I enjoy the time I spend with them. But now that I also enjoy reading assigned text and going above and beyond on school projects, I can't bear the two hour put-the-baby-to-sleep sessions that, more often than not, end in her still refusing to sleep and also refusing to be put down for that matter. I find myself resenting my beloved family for needing so much of me. I 't find myself thinking "why aren't they ever satisfied? Don't they know that I am giving them so much more than I ever had, so much more than my likely 'best' would be? Don't they care about what I need at all?!" More and more I snap at them. The baby who won't sleep, the kindergartener who always wants to play, and the partner who mostly refuses to do dishes all drain me more than nourish me as of late.
And there is so much guilt here. What if I am an unfit mother because I enjoy my intellectual and internal pursuits so much more than giving them every last drop of me! My rational mind knows better, but when I'm tired, overwhelmed, barraged by frustration and otherwise worn thin, this thought creeps in. More and more I feel like my desire to be better than my own mother was and my failure to live up to my version of the 'perfect mother' triggers me to behave, ironically, more like my mother. I shout, I snap, I loose my cool, I say mean things, and I just want to walk away from them and get centered inside of myself. Of course, I don't want to leave for good, just a few hours every day, or a week by myself to get to the bottom of me. I used to be my own best friend, and, well, frankly I miss her. She was rad!
There is also so much anger, nay, rage and resentment right under the surface at both of my parents. I want to forgive them so badly but I just haven't been able to let go of all the things they ever did that I could never allow myself to do as a parent. This black and white thinking puts so much pressure on me to live up to in my mind. I can't allow myself to make parental mistakes without terrible inner beatings in hopes of never doing it again. This only makes things worse, and I feel like a volcano most days.
And so the tangled mess exists, with all its nuances, knots, frustrations and potential.
Night, take the best care you can!
V
Comments
Thank you for this. You
— Sep 25, 2011
Thank you for this. You write your emotion and journeying well.
Happy to be of service
— Sep 26, 2011
Thanks for taking the time to read and reach out :) Your website is full of intriguing poetry, thanks for the heads up!
no path is easy
— Sep 26, 2011
what better way to show your children and your self that knowledge is valuable than furthering your education. Children value examples, and will emulate them. You are being a light to them in a world often filled with darkness. No human is perfect, I being a prime example, but if we strive for greater things within ourselves, we enlighten and empower those around us. I applaud your effort, and wish you well on your journey. Hopefully your words will be read by many, for they reflect an inner struggle that resides within all who face a path of growth. thanks for sharing, your fine words.
hey thanks yo!
— Sep 26, 2011
I appreciate your sentiments. Its true that we don't exactly come in with manuals. I am of the astrological bent and my Saturn return approaches. For me this is such an all-encompassing time of evaluation, review, education and exploration. I want to know my secrets, look at all the grit around me, and get to the essence of what the hell I'm doing here anyway lol. It feels quite nice to connect with others who can encourage and support along this excavation project :)
Hello Ginny.
— Nov 26, 2011
It has been a long time and I shan't ever forget your kind words for me when I needed them. I was so very lost, alone, scared and disconnected for the first time in my life not long ago. This was unfamiliar territory and the darkness was overwhelming. I have never felt so lost and bewildered in my 49 years. A couple friends pointed out things that I could not see in my darkness. The last 6 months I have been slowly healing and am reconnected to the lifeforce that lights the way. I believed I was all alone in that black, unfeeling, hell that I was existing in. I wasn't alone. Many others were going through, had gone through or are currently experiencing this complete disconnect. I didn't know which way to turn, what to do, what i'd possibly done or didn't do to be where I was or wasn't. I screamed, cried, prayed, laughed hysterically, didn't sleep for days, slept for weeks, didn't eat, didn't speak to anyone, wanted to hear nothing from anyone, wanted to die, obscessed on death, wanted to die, kill, wanted more pain, didn't want anything, didn't know what I wanted or needed and gave up many times. My emotions were all over the board. This lasted quite a while. I look back now and realize the old me had to die. Died in a darkness that I had no idea even existed. I couldn't put into words how I was really feeling because I wasn't feeling anything at times. The emptiness was so huge, hollow and dark I realized I had been cut off. Severed from Goddess.
Slowly, the darkness began to turn from its solid, cold, form and like black, wet fog it lifted. This too scared me at first. Then I began to feel the presence of others. I wasn't alone and invisible anymore. The energy was returning, the answers didn't come but the questions began to depart. Close friends started telling me what they saw. Family didn't look at me with that "I feel sorry for Kevin" look anymore. I woke up a bit more each day. I don't know what it was. I have no idea why this happened. For some strange reason I wasn't supposed to feel anything. I feel as if I was being protected from something or there was something I had to be cutoff from? I don't know what lies ahead but I do know that there is absolutely nothing that can bring me down now. I am stronger than ever before, ready to learn again, craving knowledge, understanding, and love from everything and everyone. Things are great even though I have never been so financially desolate in my life. I start my dream job, living in my dream place (mountains) and I am happy with me for the first time in a long time. Whatever is happening it's a collective thing hitting many of us on this wacky path currently. I hope I don't sound crazy but this is what I have. I guess i'm trying to say that this is some kind of death and rebirth. Hmmm, how do I say this without sounding like a complete dick? Um, seeing you go through what you are going through helps me to know that you too had to experience this shift so that you too will come out the other end even more amazing than you were before this. Your wonderful, kind, uplifting, enlightening words kept me from taking my life a couple times in the last year and a half. I would log in here and get the energy to carry on yet another dark day in my misery. Gosh I sound like I should be committed to the very hospital I work at huh? I hope this helps? Hang tough. I have a lantern in my hand here at the end of the long tunnel.
Love & Light, Kev.
