The First Release - an Ayuahuasca journey

It was the fourth time that I was embarking on an ayuahuasca journey. It was at a beautiful location in the middle of Europe, in a large tipi close to a small lake in the middle of a forest. I was with my shaman friend Don A. - an excellent plant alchemist who received his training in the deep jungles of Peru, as well as in Mexico.

To the story belongs that Don A. was the kind of shaman who focuses on "flushing out" the heavy energies that we all carry - releasing blockades and ending relationships with entities/energies which are "bad" for you, like "demons".

During this ayuahuasca journey I had my first experience in grown up life of literally facing what you may call "demons". I do not want to make any assumption of what "demons" are, but those who do not like this concept can translate the word "demon" below with whatever concept one finds fitting of course - or just plainly think of it as my inner fears, anger and so on. In the end it is all "same same but different", and no matter what "demons" really are, I experienced meeting "demons" on this journey, meaning, real, evil energies who wanted to eat my energy.

Was I under the influence of Don A:s understanding of these energies? Probably, since he was conducting the ceremony. We had had long talks about the nature of demons, and maybe I'll tell you about that, and my current point of view on "demons" another time. But for now, I want to tell you about how I experienced these energies during this particular journey.

The day before the night in question I had assisted Don A. in taking a group of seven people on the healing journey of ayuahuasca. I had not ingested the medicine that night to be able to watch and help, but this night is was my turn alone.

Like I mentioned above it was my fourth time of taking the medicine. My previous times had not been so "successful", in lack of a better word. I had come to know and love the Ayuahuasca Spirit, who had healed and helped me. But I had not had the sufficient energy for the medicine to be able to work with me properly, of maybe better said, for me to be able to fully follow the ancient snake spirit down winding path of liberation. Mostly this had been because I had not done the strict diet that Don A. had put me on well enough.

The physical diet was not really the problem for me, even if it was hard at times. It was the social diet that always got me. This would entail things like staying away from wasting energy in unnecessary discussions, not interacting with "energy thieves" - generally, keeping your social interactions to a calm minimum, and telling as few people as possible about one's journey. I had failed in doing this the previous times, which much mirrored the problems I had (and still partly have) in my own life.

I had a strong tendency to spend my time solving other people's problems instead of my own, offering up my energy for anyone to suck as much as they wanted of it out of me, leaving me weak and without the energy and focus I needed in my own life. I was always feeling as if I "had to" do all these things, mainly because the others "needed me" or of fear that they would otherwise not love me or being my friends. I thought I always had to be there for everyone on my path. (Later in life I have realised that this was not so wrong, it was just that I had to be smarter in how to go about it - helping in a way that my intuition told me, which was not always the way the people on my path wished for, or what my logic told me to do, etc. And more helping them to find their own strength, instead of trying to give them mine...)

I also had a problem of letting go of old conflicts, and ex boyfriends, endlessly debating with myself what I could have done better, what the other person was thinking about me now, why had this or that person done that and that to me, why certain relationships gone so wrong...

With all this going on in my mind, body and soul, there was of course great confusion and lack of focus in my life.

But this time, the fourth time, things where somewhat different. I had firmly done my diet on all levels, almost furiously at times - and I'll get back to that fury. The earlier ayuahuasca journeys and other healing events in my life had slowly made me look my problems in the face in another way than before. And I came to this journey with a strong sense of determination - I wanted to be free.

So we sat down beside the fire in the middle of the tipi. It was a chilly October night and darkness fell quickly. We had one shot of the medicine, and then we talked and laughed like we always used to. We had a second shot, and we continued talking, now about somewhat serious and more personal matters in our lives. Don A. would often guide me by sharing his own experiences, we were more friends than "teacher" and "disciple", so the conversations were flowing easily. I think I went out to purge one or two times at this point, and so did Don A. At some point the conversation went into the subject of demons, and he told me in more detail than ever before about how he experienced these entities and what he had seen them do - how they find ways to feed of human energy.

Slowly I sensed him turning more and more into a vehicle of the plant spirit, and suddenly I felt like I had to lie down. The minute my head touched the ground I had a strong vision - I saw no less than hundreds of eyes of demons staring down at me from a void of darkness, just waiting for a "false move" of mine to move in and eat my energy. I started to get hunches about what those false moves could be when Don A. called my attention.

He gave me the third shot. As I drank it and then sat there getting over the horrible taste at the same time I did my best to gratefully accept the medicine, Don A. looked intensely at me, for quite a while. Then he smiled, and said:

- Well ok, I am going to bed. There is nothing more I can do to help you. The spirit has gone too deep inside you. You are on your own.

I felt like a kid who was going to be left home alone before being old enough to handle it, but at the same time I also knew that a sleeping shaman is not necessarily "not awake", and probably watching what is going on from another level. I also felt thrilled about finally having been able to let the medicine work with me, and a bit proud. Soon all of these feelings passed into a steady sense of illness in my stomach, and then in my whole body - I was feeling how ill I really was.

As Don A. laid down to sleep I closed my eyes and saw one of the companions of the Ayuahuasca Spirit, the Alligator Spirit, swimming in a swamp in the jungle. The swamp was stinking, full of mud and smelling from decay. It was simply disgusting and with a deep sense of shame I realized it was my inner swamp that I saw.

And then I started purging. I had to run out at least 28 times (we counted the patches of toilet paper that I had to recollect the day after), every time purging at both ends, so to speak. In the morning Don A. could not stop laughing at me - saying that how on earth so much shit could have been inside such a young, seemingly loving and healthy woman he would never understand. In reality he of course knew how many people and how much anger, hate and fear that I had carried with me to the tipi on that night, and that it was no wonder at all that I needed to purge like I did.

There's no way I can describe to you all what I experienced that evening, but I'll make an attempt. Dogs where howling in the distance, I heard all sorts of sounds in the forest, some definitely not from "this world". I felt spirits, and not only friendly ones, around me wherever I went - I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I was running back and forth, in and out of the tipi, so many times that I completely lost count of time, and maybe space as well. With every purge came visions of conflicts, people and/or my behaviour towards them, or their behaviour towards me, all clarifying what pains so many of my relationships had been causing me as well as others.

Several times I saw the Ayuahuasca Spirit like two snakes made of gold and diamonds, one glimmering in yellow gold, the other in intensely red coloured gold. The two snakes would come and cross over my field of sight (in my visions), thus helping me in "cutting of" un-healthy energy bonds - these bonds felt like unbreakable slave chains to me - chains which I felt I could not brake, but with the help of the medicine in this metal form I could. This also hinted what element I needed more of in my life - metal: determination, taking care of and protecting my own inner space, a more reasonable use of my energy, inner and outer balance, and the kind of decision, focus, strong will and endurance needed to practice martial arts - as well as the art/dance of life...

I continued facing my inner and outer demons, my fears and my emotional pain. From time to time I saw the vision of the alligator purifying the swamp through taking in the substances there and letting them pass through its mouth, cleaning the swamp with one breath at the time. And it was really getting cleaner. This vision made me go on, although it was one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever done.

Suddenly, in the cold, dark hours between midnight and dawn, everything went quiet, besides the wind which was literally howling. I felt completely alone, and sat still, almost frozen still in the tipi. I knew something was coming, and then I heard the steps. From far away the steps of a huge, even gigantic Being was closing up on me, fast. Suddenly a dark shadow started growing on the wall.

The only way I could comprehend this shadow was as "the Devil" in person, a Being that I before this night had not really believed in. It was as if the core of all this "evil" was coming, and I just sat there, half not believing my experience at the same time as I was very vividly living it. It felt like it could brake down my protections and basically rape me energetically. Like this I had also experienced some of my relationships - I often been left with a feeling of having been raped energetically... But this was a whole different experience - I felt like this Being could take me over. I was scared to death, hardly able to breath

When it came, it felt like I could surrender to it, and as if it was offering something for me to surrender. Even in my fright, it was tempting to listen, somehow it was offering a release from responsibility, to fully surrender to another will. Suddenly I realised, more on an emotional than a rational level, that deep inside I was longing for this, and that this was the underlying reason for me constantly giving power over myself to others. And then I started to pray - it was sincerely the only thing I could think of doing. I do not pray in this sense very often, more meditate and/or do self-healing or dancing to merge with/into other states of consciousness. But this time I prayed intensly to Goddess/God asking the great goodness of the Universe to protect me, to save me. And it did. I can still feel the warmth and the love that filled me, and the relief I felt when the dark shadow simply faded away.

All of this had happened in a matter of seconds. I sat for a while, staring on the wall were the shadow had been, breathing Love, experiencing a short but literally life changing moment of pure peace.

The experience had given me a lot of inner strength, but physically I was still trembling. But I felt a deep conviction that if I was protected from such a force just by connecting to good and love - Goddess/God - I definitely was protected from all these human conflicts and energies by doing the same thing. It was all about how much of this love I accepted. And if I wanted to surrender, this was the force to surrender to. I don't think that I exaggerate when I say that the memory of this feeling, and this energy in itself, has kept me safe and sound ever since.

Some time after, I had to go out again, still scared as soon as I had to face the darkness and all the energies outside. But somehow I was a bit more confident. I was definitely exhausted and when I came into the tipi again, and sat down to stare into the fire. And that is when I saw it.

On one of the logs in the fire a face appeared in glowing wood, as clear as day, and it was looking at me. It was a "demon" of anger. At this moment I realized that so much of what I was going through had to do with my own inner anger, and that I had used this force as my power. I had let people abuse me to be able to be angry with them, to blame my problems on them. In this I was of course repeating old patterns of my family and the pain of the abuse in my child hood- but this is a whole different story. All in all - I realised that this "demon" was the one I could not yet let go of.

I saw how I often had been burying this anger under a false inner and outer façade of fear and a victim mentality. But my anger was my real weapon, I had thought that it was righteous but really it was a "demon" who I had made a pact with to protect myself. In seeing that face, I knew I was not ready to let it go - it had become to much of a vital weapon to me. But I finally knew what I really had to work on.

I went out for some final purging after that as well, and slowly, the sun came up. The night was over, and I was truly another person. Even though the anger "demon" was still lingering around, I had experienced my first Real Release. I was still partly trembling with fear, and exhaustion. But there was so much more room for my happiness, for True Love to fill me up my entire Being. And I felt more free than I ever did before.

After returning home, a two hour ride with Don A. and my husband (who was my fiancé at the time), Don A. made us one of the best meals that I have ever had. We talked and I drew images of my experiences from the night before. And finally I slept.

That night I dreamt of my inner swamp, which was now incredibly beautiful, glistering with fresh water, dazzlingly beautiful flowers and emerald green plants. Little sparks of pure nature spirits was dancing on the surface of the water, and a calm, warm wind carried soothing songs from the depths of the jungle. And in the middle of this my friend and companion the Alligator Spirit was swimming, smiling at me with contentment.