Discerning the World

When I go into and out of consciousness daily I am struck by a myriad of different worlds, full of possibilities, heartaches, wishes, hopes. When I awake I'm hit with the reality of my situation: I'm stuck. It feels like being held back by an imaginary force, but when I look at it, it's only myself that's holding me back. My own job, my relationship, my love for a person.

In the past I've been depressed and lonely, and I can't escape the depression even when I'm not lonely. I yearn for simplicity. I can feel this larger force pushing me to be simple, to return to the Earth, but my life is tangled in a web of materialism and self-loathing. I sigh for myself often, thinking about what I could be. Then I realize I could be that if I weren't so caught up in my self.

The hardest part for me is, as I've read in some blogs recently, being honest and being myself. It mostly stems from fear of losing my job. I've been near the bottom, with only friends, and it was fine, but now I've got another person in my life to consider and it's hard to just let myself slip into poverty like I wouldn't mind doing.

My problems are so small compared to others, but I have this strong desire to do good and to help be the change I want to see, but I'm stuck with this fear and I'm not sure how to overcome it. I keep thinking a new job will do it but I know it will be the same. I'm trying to move to a career in teaching, which I know will be much more rewarding than anything I've done so far, but the end is far away and I've got to live in the now, which is painful at times.

If it weren't for the love of my partner I'd be lost, wandering to where ever the world took me, searching for an answer..

Any advice or comments are welcome.

Peace,
Indman