Pebbles and marbles like things on my mind...

I've been pretty busy lately with trying to get by in this system. I've stolen, drank, flirted with leaving the system and my life to start anew, and even started some positive habits. I'm tired of thinking about myself, though, and I want to start helping a movement that is working towards progress. While there are quite a few out there, there are very few in my locale. In fact, I really wish there were an evolver group close to me, but the closest is Atlanta, which is about 5 hours away. Jacksonville would be a great spot, but I'm not sure how many people are in the area.

Yesterday I stole. Now, for those of you who have not stolen before due to either fear of getting caught or your code of ethics, I would like to say that it is definitely not something I would do for a long period of time or for a job, merely for necessity. While I'm being honest, I have to admit that I've stolen before in my youth from other places, and even though I was very poor, it was unnecessary. The things I stole recently are basic things that I cannot afford, but that I needed. A compass, a firestarter..and some other small things of that nature. I'm not proud of myself, but I'm glad that I have these things now in case I ever need them.

It's odd the way the world works for and against you at the same time. We tend to get wrapped up in living and sometimes forget to pause and think about how the set of circumstances we're in came to be, and when we stop to do this we can come to the realization that the only way we came to be where we are is through our destiny. This is the most puzzling of ideas to me, not in itself, but in the fact that we cannot really know what our destiny is until we're almost there. The mere seconds before those crucial decisions we run into during our lifetime is when we have the chance to decide whether or not to face our fear or embrace life and keep our hearts open.

I've given into the fear too much in my life, that I know, but I'm ever thankful that I am aware of it now, so that I can start to change myself, and change the world around me. I want to show everyone that love isn't only for those you know, it's for everyone.

As our world is moving ever faster and ever more into a state of chaos and enlightenment, I find myself questioning where my life is headed.

A little background information on myself: I'm a white male, grown in the suburbs, given many opportunities but drawn mostly to video gaming. In college I studied a lot of different things, never really enjoying any one thing for too long. I graduated with a B.A. in English and a minor in Biochemistry. I've wanted to write for a long time, but ever since I stopped smoking pot I've lost some sort of creative edge that I had. I love marijuana and I would devote my life to it if it weren't for my fiance, who is against it due to its legality. I love her, but find myself wanting a less traditional lifestyle.

Well, now that you know me a bit, and I do encourage anyone to share themselves in a similar manner, as it may lead to actual relationships (which is the relation of one person to another based on their own experiences), I would like to share with you my current dilemma.

I am in the process of applying for a teacher certification program. I am mildly enthusiastic (take that however you want) and I know that I would be able to help a lot of young minds be more open if I were to become a teacher. On the other side of the coin I wouldn't enjoy it that much. I enjoy working with my hands and outside, so I also would like to go to school and learn either carpentry or about becoming an electrician. Either job I'm sure I'd enjoy, as I like solving problems, and both have the potential for myself to eventually become self-employed, and I would be able to break into the green job marketa and use sustainable materials and such.

The dilemma is between these choices, which I have gone back and forth on for almost a year. My fiance is fed up with me, as she hates my duality (I'm a Gemini by the way), and she just wants me to get a job that I like that pays me well. I find this upsetting as I don't really care about money, but she forces me to care.

It all can seem overwhelming for me, but I know others out there are suffering much more than myself, so I am just thankful for my comforts and the food I'm able to afford, and I just live day to day. I have to make a decision soon, but I'm mildly apathetic about it. I want destiny to take over for me, but I'm the only one in the car, and I'm talking to myself; at least it seems that way.

Thanks for listening. It helps to get it out. All these words expressing feeling, it's so amazing how simple it can seem written down, yet how complicated it can be inside your head.

Peace