The Voice of the Average Citizen

I am the average person; I am the typical American citizen. I go to work for under $40,000 a year, I live in a two-story suburban home in a metropolitan area, and I eat pre-cooked microwavable meals or fast food. I am in search of the next fad, trend, or fashion sense. I care more about Brangelina, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Twilight, cute animals, and Megan Fox than I do about the state of the economy, the BP oil spill, the future of my children, my health, or anything else in what is known as reality. I follow the law and demand everyone do the same, but I cannot name one single law. I am married and have two kids, at least one of which is a teenager (and that’s the one I’m sick of and secretly hate, the other one I’m just jealous of). My marriage is a farce, my spouse and I fight constantly or avoid each other, and sex is nonexistent. . . with each other. Together we only have sex once a week, if that, and only if we’re not too tired. We never go out unless it’s with the kids, and only then it's to the grocery store or mall. We sit at home on the couch watching TV or talking at one another about mundane things both of us secretly hate, while the kids are in their rooms on the internet, sexting on their iPhones, listening to their iPods, downloading music and/or movies, IMing their friends, getting drunk, laid, or high, and other things that I try to ignore because I am afraid of what my kids know and do when not in my control. We’re at least $100,000 in debt and we still have 20 years left on a mortgage we’re pretty sure we’ll not be able to pay (but about which we’re in denial). I advocate the bible and the constitution without having read either one. All of my friends are the same, and I never deviate in any way.

I hate it when some smart ass comes up to me and wants me to answer some stupid question about the economy or other country I don’t know or otherwise care about for some stupid documentary. I’m more interested in that developing story and twist on Lost than what is going on in China. My sole interest in China was the 2008 Olympics and that I hate them because they made everything I own. I was more interested in Barack Obama’s birth certificate than in what political issues he was going to “change” in order to better my life in the country I’m so proud of. I’m bitter now, though, because I can’t consume as much as I want to because of gas prices being so high, but I’m more interested in whining about it, than the state of the dollar and what that actually means. I’m about to lose my home and everything else I think I own, but someone has to save me and my family. That’s why I vote. I was more interested in Michele Obama spewing rhetorical bullshit on The View than in wondering why I vote in the first place. I send my kids to the same educational system that rotted my brain and trained me to be an obedient, disciplined carbon-based machine. I support schooling because I had schooling and I turned out just fine as a perfect typical average citizen, and that’s what I expect of my kids because I love them. That way I don’t have to wonder why my kids aren't learning, are not interested, and can't read or write well enough to pass a 2nd-grade level test. Why should they have anything better than I did? They should just listen and shut up and do what adults say, just like I do. I’m more interested in fighting for what I believe in and arguing with anyone who doesn’t agree with me, than in examining my beliefs and why I believe them. I’m more interested in believing ideologies than I am in studying the function of ideologies in society in the first place. I remember nothing that happened more than three days ago and I’m not interested in boring history. If I want to know about history, I watch The History Channel.

All of these things keep me busy not thinking about reality, and that’s the way I like it. As long as I’m worried about Lindsay Lohan and her life, I don’t have to worry about mine.

The real scary thing is I know this and am aware of it, but I have pills, support groups, a therapist, the church, causes, and other distractions to keep that truth as far away from me as I need it.

I am the fucking average citizen. Love it or leave it!