On Doing vs. Being - A retrospective look at finding a vocation

Maybe the reason so many people have never figured out what they "want to do with their life" is that -- we're not meant to be doing so much of anything in the first place!

30 years old, almost 31, & I have wracked my brain my whole adult life trying to discern *exactly* what spirit/God/this life wants for me.

I have HELD OUT from committing myself, in so many ways. All in the name of exploration, of more knowledge, of deeper understanding, of waiting on Spirit. Held out for doing something that net-helps-the-world in the end, & is not simply part of the ongoing vicious cycle. Waiting & waiting for time to tell, while engaged in exploring, & doing various & sundry activities that are not necessarily "it".

Meanwhile, good friends from formative years, from high school & college, have mostly gone on to be fairly well-defined "successes": a lawyer, a 'creative director', an EPA consultant, a Hollywood producer... a couple of Professors, some artist/designers, many more lawyers, a cardiac surgeon, some screenwriters & directors. A successful sustainable architect with a private practice. Two friends who are teaching English in Asia & seem to have no pressing larger ambitions beyond that. All, to my knowledge, are better paid than I am. Some drastically so.

Me: I still, on some level... just don't know. Is that valid? Can't that be fair enough?

I know so infinitely much about what I care about, about who I am on the inside, in a spiritual sense perhaps. I know what my sensibilities are. But as far as I can tell, the things that I gravitate towards have a low chance of making me a lot of money.

Spending time with family & friends, being there for them when they need to talk, cultivating vitality through qi gong-dancing-yoga & other mind/body practices, a desire to express the pictures & ideas & dreams inside me though images, an interest in music of the east, an interest in native american crafts, 'primitive' technologies, plants, soil, ecosystems. Seeing the vast beauty in creation.

I also have a natural inclination to stick-up for that which I love, & which is so under threat these days... (ie: activist tendencies)

But, to many, to the untrained eye perhaps, this list above amounts to a bunch of 'interests & hobbies'.

I have come to know what I love, & through this I have healed, & this has been my life's work. Now I am a mature adult, whose perspective & experience has much general value. But how do I "make money" in the "marketplace" in a way such that it amounts to a vocation?

I am paying my rent by odd jobs & such, but... that's not a vocation. Not something I can rank with my peers above as "what I do".

I had been keeping 'counseling psychology' as the ace in my pocket this whole time, until... this very evening. When I realized deeply, once & for all ~ I'm not completely comfortable with the idea of going to a psychotherapist (that’s just me), what makes me think I want to be one?

From this place of honesty with myself, I could finally see - I don't want to be a psychotherapist. I let this idea go. What remains is, like I said above - this idea of cultivating wellness. Connecting with friends, family, healers in the tribe... healers that won't pathologize, but be supportive & provide a loving container. I hope to do the same for others.

I think that "being there for others" in their pain is such a valuable service... but, stripping out the pathologizing instincts of psychoanalysis, who would pay me for it?

I have reached the place in my evolution where I see clearly that not all that is valuable is valued ~ at least not by this society, at least not materially or monetarily.

I see this clearly & sit with this knowing.

I also weigh - how many of the friends above are complicit in the destructive aspects of this society? The lawyers aiding & abetting corporate deals (& some doing some good I'm sure), the advertising execs selling more to the masses, everyone pursuing success & maximum output. All so they can... live an okay quality of life? I'm sure that's would most would maintain.

Well, alright. Point taken. But why should an okay quality of life require so much money? Why should it require such constant DOING? When mindless doing has so much *destructive potential*! And we know that not all previous societies have required such constant industriousness. Where is this constant industriousness leaving the earth right now?

A friend once said "if you're opposed to the system, better be a rusty cog than a steely piston."

Too few people understand the full implications of their chosen profession, me thinks.

I put off commitment to a grad program or job title because I wanted to develop a working understanding of human society's dynamics & problems first. And now, I'm not saying that I have a perfect understanding (who can?), but - I've worked very hard to see clearly the vast spectrum of all that is, & develop my ideas from there.

And now, from this vantage point, the vantage point of having traveled & lived & emoted & hurt & healed & cried & read & experienced & known so much... what is left to do with my adult self, but be? Little else drives me but to BE WITH what I love.

The world’s panoply of healing practices are for when we're thrown off center & need just that - healing. To be restored back to center, back to harmony & oneness. This is our natural state - being, being in connection with - to be felt & experienced & kept in the center of our experience on earth.

Right now, our society is still so out of balance in its priorities, values & understanding, that - of course psychotherapists, psychoanalysts, lawyers & the like abound. Certain people can't help but sense things are amiss & look around, often to people embedded in the same system, for answers.

But once you're centered in the ground of being... once you've worked through issues with family, once you've connected with nature & all that is & are more or less able to maintain this connection... life is good! You see how simple it can be to BE & heal... no superheroes or fancy experts needed. No needing to hash out psychodynamics every week, just… cultivating wellness.

I believe the process of maintaining harmony & health can be made simpler, at least.

This has to be my focus.

Anyway... I don't know if I can make "enough" money, or gain any prestige, or take the trips abroad I want to take - by being some sort of 'artist', being there for my friends, cultivating wellness, raising the alert on environmental breaches.

Perhaps eventually becoming some sort of teacher (yoga or qigong), tending plants in my windowsill, throwing in some Spanish translation & catering because society will reward me modestly but monetarily for that.

Or maybe I will, in fact, find more 'success', even prestige, than reflected by my doubts here. Maybe I just need to drum up that last bit of confidence in myself.

But being an artist & yoga teacher is considered risky business in the world I come from. And these pursuits don't directly impact some of the other things I care most about - like the environment & sustainability - so I’d have to dilute my focus further to engage with these issues. (I want to help sustain *all* that I care about!)

So, in a nutshell... by practicing what I truly love, I risk mediocrity, I risk overextension, I risk a lack of mastery.

It does comfort me, though, to think that maybe this notion of "one thing", or one area of mastery is a fallacy, & maybe our most fundamental call is to live well-balanced lives.

One of the things I do know is that - I can't arbitrarily decide. On anything. Including a glorified 'vocation'. I have to organically arrive at it, it has to be "of God", as my mom would put it.

So... this is me. Serious, grown-up, adult, sober, mature, etc, etc & choosing very consciously the path of - not doing that much. Of lack of vocational mastery. Because it's less environmentally destructive, it's got more integrity, & it makes me breathe a huge deep sigh of relief inside.

Plus, I suspect, it frees me up for great things. ☺