Getting High on Sexual Energy

Intro:
Everyday we wake up with renewed sexual energy, and we’re driven by the need to do something with it. What does it want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in as free, open, loving, and wild a way possible. It wants to get us high, heal our bodies, blast us into hyperspace, take us for a trip across the astral plain, keep us peaceful, careful, loving, and kind, bind couples and communities together, drive procreation, etc.

Unfortunately the dominant culture has denied this energy, dammed its flow, and damned its spirit to hell. Virtually everyone in our culture is sexually dysfunctional, physically, mentally, spiritually. The sickness manifests in all domains, all environments, all walks of life. While we used to be able to travel through space using our bodies, we’ve abandoned our bodies and built spaceships, dead phallic machines born of patriarchy…

In order to be liberated and empowered we need to understand our ignorance. Mainstream entertainment media is filled with cynical innuendos that reflect a deep awareness about our sexual dysfunctionality, but it’s rarely discussed openly outside of Tantric private practices, college courses, feminist circles, women’s/queer resource centers, and a few of the more enlightened radical d.i.y. communities.

Hopefully this writing will do a good job of delivering some of the fruits of those discourses.

The best way I could think to organize this was by creating an outline that acts as a sort of recipe with each ingredient having its own section for explanation. It’s by no means complete or comprehensive, just a few things that have come out of my life experience and study. It’s not a secret formula, or a sacred wisdom tradition, it’s a mix of influences, concepts, etc. and should only be considered as a platform from which to do your own research/experimentation. (consult your doctor if you want, but definitely DO TRY THIS AT HOME!)

What I personally know is required to have healthy sex and get high from it:

Self Love
Without self love, most people are love deficient, they have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.

For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. From compliments to the mirror, to medibation (masturbation + meditation), to getting fit, to eating right, to educating myself, I learned to take an active interest in myself so that when I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! Without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, with good posture, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, energetic, you can’t attract what you really want. Attraction is a factor of energy. You can be skinny and be unattractive if you’re spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can be large and be an electro-magnet because you love yourself and it excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. Crouch like a pretzel in the corner, let your spirit fade, and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk, and self-conceived ugliness, and you will not attract anyone, or whatever you do attract will be of like-vibration, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating energy vampire and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other…

The simplest way I can put it is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman”. At one point I said to myself, wait a minute, if I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change, well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course…isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! I realized that, the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much, I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards it. So I built the vision in my mind of my dream self, and without waiting for someone to rescue me, I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity and started to build the dream me…I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more, but as long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.

In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. It can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool of building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.

Training/Practice
By training I mostly mean masturbation, or preferably medibation (masturbation + meditation). For men, if you’re not “getting laid” you better be staying in shape by masturbating not just to get off and get on with life, but rather to make love to yourself with similar time, focus, and attention, as you’d give to the act of love with a partner. Not only is it necessary to maintain “stamina” by mastering the art of riding the edge of climax and drawing the energy through the body with breath and self massage, but it’s necessary to keep your body lit up with erotic energy.

If in the time that you’re not in a relationship/partnership where sex is shared regularly, maintaining a healthy regular loving relationship with yourself keeps your wiring/gears from rusting and locking up.

Also the power to do sex magic is as potent (though perhaps not as powerful) alone as with a partner. Think about it, when stimulating yourself you’re raising all of this energy into and through your system, whatever thoughts/visions/ideas/desires are in your mind can and should be energized as well. Whether you need to psyche yourself out to remember the study questions for the mid-term, of you’re trying to manifest a new job, or a new lover, don’t just waste the energy by just consuming porn or fantasizing about some cover-girl…

I can’t speak for women of course, other than to promote experimentation with toys. There are tons of them out there. For the truly daring there’s the Sibian, which pretty much eliminates the need for men to have ever evolved so I hear!

I hesitate to project my male perspective into this domain for women, but I generally feel/think that the principles are the same. Honor yourself, honor your sexual energy, play with it, enjoy it, circulate it, apply it in positive constructive ways, and be a master or mistress of yourself so that when the next opportunity arises to share yourself, you’re overflowing with energy.

The Love of a Lover
I think you can have great sex with strangers, but I don’t think it’s very safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go in my opinion because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below…

So here are few notes on the love of a lover. It’s actually easier to love oneself it seems because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a bad relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around all the resentment over little things, the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, pet-peeves, etc. If that energy isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.

In my experience and studies, there are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against. And there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.

First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior, they haven’t yet fought, their lives aren’t yet entangled, they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in. True mastery of love would be to know how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial free-be high wares off, is that you have to work for it to achieve it again, and work through things to get to it.

In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and no work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. All the while you’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit, there’s uncertainty and the possibility for failure which keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win, that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out, the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected, the chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.

It makes sense in a way because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love is work, and all of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle for so long, because they lack the patience and discipline to really apply themselves to the work of a real love. The lack of true love, and shallowness of constant flings means ultimate lack of fulfillment and unhappiness, and of course, the inability to experience the highest states of ecstasy.

So I’ve basically tried to establish this phenomenon of the love curve. We’re all some where along it… The goal I think should be to understand it, and find ways to healthily work through it so that it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it, be aware of it, and don’t think that the love is dead, just know that like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with TLC. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. How about this, don’t stave each other of sex for years, and save that money by A. being aware of this neuro-chemical curve, and B. carefully study what worked during the initial spike.

Tony Robbins believes that every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a voice tonality, a touch, a place to visit, whatever, the point is we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers, and we need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. And we need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.

Again, like a garden, if you don’t weed, all the nutrients will be stolen by the weeds and your crops will be grown over and die. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it back to full production if you’ve let it go for a while. That’s why steady, constant maintenance is so important in love.

Just try to set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it, work through it, and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels!

Intent
Essential to magic, or to setting your mind to accomplish pretty much anything, is the first step of setting intent. If before love making an intention is set for the session whether it be to focus on a vision to be manifested, or to overcome some blockage in the relationship, or to have no goal at all, the discussion and setting of intent can be very powerful. It shouldn’t produce anxiety or be a distraction from the pure feeling/experience, finding that balance is up to you.

Time
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience/study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many energetic and chemical currents some raging, some very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more interdimensionality can be accessed by consciousness and the more merging of consciousness can occur.

Sacred Set and Setting
Setting up the environment with candles, incense, music, clothing, etc. can anchor a sacred mindset. Ritualizing the build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, attention is undivided, and the body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being.

Relaxation
This seems simple but it should not be over looked. When people “fuck” rapidly and unconsciously, they’re not taking the time to shed the energetic tension of the day, the week, the month, the year, the life, etc. There are techniques to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. Massage is one of them, if lovers gave each other even a five minute massage before intercourse, they’d experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.

I won’t prescribe a bunch of relaxation techniques, in fact it’s a very personal thing, from some people it’s music, for some it’s a bath, for some it’s a walk, or a combination of things. The point is to know what is relaxing to your mind, body, and spirit and be sure to practice this before getting it on with yourself or others as much as possible.

Full Attention and Presence
Easier said then done. If you’re rock climbing your attention is fully focused on the moment because there’s an element of danger. If you’re a devout religious practitioner you’re probably able to give your full attention to a ritual or procedure or object. In love, as long as your love is healthy and true, it’s easy. But as said above, you have to constantly maintain the freshness of the love, if it stagnates, it’s easy to take it for granted and the mystical curiosity that you have for your lover can fade. It’s very reciprocal, if attention to the love fades, then it’s harder to pay full attention during sex. If attention is paid during sex, it will be easier to pay attention to the love in day-to-day life.

Physical Energy
Energy comes mainly from proper eating habits, hydration, wellness, exercise, rest and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of energy and energy is the one of most vital ingredients needed to get high having sex.

Breathing and Conscious Energy Circulation
Breathing techniques are extremely important. There are all kinds that should be studied and experimented with. The basic principle as I understand/experience it from both Tantric and Taoist traditions is that the breath is a single most powerful tool to circulate energy. It’s critical that the male master breathing techniques so that the high voltage sexual energy can be drawn up, out, and through the genitals to circulate through the body and back through oneself and/or ones partner. There are many detailed diagrams of energy flow within an individual’s sexual energetic circuitry and the same for couples. I won’t describe these in detail here, but it’s enough to know that when shared sexual energy is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. For most people who lack a concept of the ability to consciously circulate it with breathing, meditation, and concentration techniques, the energy makes us like a fish out of water. Hence all the wild jerking sex scenes where the woman is depicted writhing and of course the cold stoic man is all cool like nothing. While in patriarchal porn these roles are exaggerated, there’s a certain truth to the lack of finesse in navigating the white water currents of sexual energy.

If the energy is not consciously cycled within the couple, it will just dam up and eventually explode in the form of orgasm and usually end there. But when circulated, it can result in waves of multiple orgasm for both the female AND the male, and thus push the couples unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.

Eye Contact
Eye contact is one of the most powerful, intense things we humans know. Most of us shy away quickly from it. It’s easy in true love, and when applied during sex, I think it is the real key to melding two people together. Having sex in the dark or with eyes closed, or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or go over the shopping list, without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and it should be what starts the sexual session.

It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that, the point is to train in these things so that they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts, you train to learn the skill and eventually like magic the skill performs for you without your conscious effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body dances with the energy using the tools and techniques you taught it.

Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size when in fact the majority of erogenous tissue is in the clitoris and labia, and the G-spot.

Direct clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.

To access the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall, insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion.

The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most straight folk are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts/objects of your choice into the anus.

Everyone is different, everyone’s wiring is different, that is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. For them to share with you what makes them unique and for them to train you to play them like a musical instrument can be a true joy.

I won’t go into graphic depictions of positions, oral techniques, thrusting patterns, etc. here, just experiment and keep in mind the principals of spontaneity and diversity.

Consider how when you put your clothes on, your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered that the clothes are on, it doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something so the changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.

Climactic Equality
So how does the average American male understand their sexual energy and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the jock metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base,”… Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score, first by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sports game where you haven’t shot the ball yet…” Gross…

The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way the satisfies one’s partner. So although all men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long” like it says in pop music and movies, most don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.

This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless American women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.

So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.

Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.

For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.

Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a campfire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn, you have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to the roaring inferno.

Literally speaking, a woman’s mind and body must be warmed up holistically or true arousal will not occur. This can take hours, an entire “romantic evening” where conscious quality undivided attention is focused. Imagine female arousal as a stepped pyramid where each plateau represents both a length of time and a level of intensity. The lowest level of intensity takes the longest time. Think of this as the subtle romantic build-up of an evening of fun, with loving gestures, lots of hugs and kisses, and kind words. Each successive step will be shorter duration, but higher intensity until ultimate climax.

The problem with most men is that we’re not aware of this because, it’s not required for us to climax. A few minutes of friction is all it ever takes. In the last steps of the pyramid, those that occur during intercourse, it’s recommended they last at least 30 minutes. Most men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation that long, and they haven’t built the pyramid with loving attention, hence the faked female orgasm.

Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration.

Again though, duration alone doesn’t work, full quality attention is required. The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself, it’s only with this full presence that the doors to the heart and to higher dimensions open. However many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and thus never let their full energy, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.

With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? …welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across ....America.....

A man has to learn to distribute the current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he survive the intensity. First he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be applied. There are tons of books, websites, etc. on this just Google multiple male orgasms, sexual Kung Fu, Tantric breathing, etc.

Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is kegel exercises where you repeatedly contract the “PC” muscles on the pelvic floor. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate, do what you normal would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned PC muscles is to create more tightness during intercourse.

Non-goal Orientation
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present, not fully being in the experience. If a woman is feeling anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure, and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes the climax of both partners is desirable, but as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both parties to develop the skills to have a general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. So the goal should be to not have a goal and to just feel as freely as possible, but to have done the homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.

Hope that helps! Have fun, be safe! Get high and stay high on the natural drugs manufactured within your own bodies!