One For The Ladies: How To Catch A Good Man
posted by Rick Hurst | March 28, 2011
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IcerocketI was in Lowes hardware store one day when two young male workers walked by. They were talking about one man’s relationship with a pregnant girlfriend. I overheard him say “I don’t think I’m ready to be a Daddy, and I certainly ain’t gonna marry her.” Now my question is this. What was this girl thinking when she picked this guy to be her “mate”? Perhaps the young man will come around and be responsible, perhaps he won’t. And if he doesn’t, what then? What a mess, and a mess that could have been avoided completely if the young lady had just a little common sense and wisdom.
One of the messages I have for young ladies is this. Do you want a man who will love you? Do you want a man who will be a good father to your children? If the answer is yes, then make him prove that to you. How? Easy. Have a long engagement with no sex until you are married. The longer the better. And if he sticks around with you for all that time without getting any then you will know that he loves you for you, and not for what he can get from you. And if he blows you off? Well, then you will have learned the truth about him. Be glad you did not bond yourself to a man like that. Better he leave now than when you are strapped with three young children to raise on your own.
And another thing. If you find a man who will stick with you in a long engagement without sex, then you two will surely have formed a strong foundation of friendship and respect…a relationship of real, unselfish love for one another. And when the sex part does come, and brings with it all its ups and down, (pleasure always has an opposite and equal reaction of pain), you will have that solid foundation of love to fall back upon to see you through.
Many young ladies today think that they will never get a man unless they put out, giving into his demands for sex. In this way it is easy for most young ladies to “get” a man. But you really have to ask yourself, with all the multiple partners and failed relationships, divorces and abuse cases that abound, is this really anyway to “get” a man? Trying before the buying spoils a man, he just wants to keep on trying, promising to buy (one day) until an unwanted pregnancy comes along and he flees, leaving her alone or he marries reluctantly, and with a degree of secret resentment. This is really no way to form the basis of a strong relationship of love to weather the storms of life.
Ladies, be wise. Make your man prove his love for you. Love is constant, love wants what is best for you, love is patient and understanding. Any man who displays these characteristics will be a worthy catch…and one well worth the wait.
Comments
I definitely disagree with this
— Mar 29, 2011
Now, let me premise this by saying that I think your advice is good parent advice for teenagers, but as for mature adults in a relationship, I think it's repressive. Maybe these were teenagers you overheard at Lowes, and you are catering your advice towards that age group, if so, I apologize and the below is irrelevant!
This is coming from a straight hetero guy ...
- Sexual compatibility is VERY important. How many times a week? How adventurous is the other person?
-Part of the "foundation" is based on physical intimacy, now I know you don't need sex for that, but the "foundation" can definitely grow based on it. Oxytocin!
- You should try and find out how does the other person view sex? Are they merely satisfying a biological urge? Is it something transcendent? The context of sex is important to know.
- You say make a man prove his love for you and then give him his reward. I think that's absurd. Your view is as if a little child is doing chores expecting a a treat at the end, it's very immature.
-"If you find a man who will stick with you in a long engagement without sex" ... I think you fail to grasp that he MAY be sticking around JUST for that
At the end of the day, you're trying to mitigate the risk of people treating you like shit. There are better ways than witholding sex.
Dear OnThePath, The message
— Mar 29, 2011
Dear OnThePath,
The message in my article is admittedly not for everyone and I do not intend to try to take away the opposing view of others. I speak from my own experience and observations.
I was married at 19 after knocking up my then wife and divorced a few years later, Many years after that were lived in wild abandon and debauchery, numerous sexually free relationships, some lasting as long as 6 and 10 years, followed by 5 years of celibacy. During my time of celibacy I met a woman at a mindfulness seminar who I would later date for 3 and 1/2 years before we were married and only after marriage did we have sexual relations.
Was it easy to keep control over my gonads? No, but commitment and meditation makes the transmutation of sexual energy into spiritual energy easier and easier.
Mans sexual energy in finite. During the time of celibacy I found celibacy to be just the opposite of sexual repression. Sexual energy (semen) is filled with life giving force. Ejaculation gives new life, or is wasted one way or another, even as the ejaculator loses some of his own life force. The male salmon only does it once before he is kaput. Sooner or later a mans life force WILL run out. But unless one experiences it for ones self they will never know the incredible Power of transmuted sexual energy retained and recirculated in the body.
On waiting
— Mar 29, 2011
I agree! I waited before I married . When the marriage was completed, and it was time for us to part, I knew/know I will wait again.
dissent
— Mar 30, 2011
no, I am so sorry but I disagree in every way.
I have always been sexually active and had multiple partners unless I was in relationship. I LOVED IT! My first husband and I had sex on our first date. We got married and began trying for a baby a year later. A year after she was born I ended the marriage because of a major difference in values that often doesn't show up until we have kids and really start contemplating these things. We grew fast in our relationship, but we grew apart as it were. We also, interestingly, had a sexual relationship by that time that I felt extremely frustrated with.
If the tables were turned and I had a partner who demanded that I prove my love by abstaining until marriage, I would not make the cut, because for me, knowing that you can sexually relate is as important as sharing values. I don't want a partner who is going to try to own me like some trophy or prize. My sexuality is not some treasure to be sought, it is an energy that is very important to me that begs constantly to be expressed.
My fiance and I had sex the first weekend we met, and I got pregnant within a month of our being together. Admittedly, I was afraid of raising the baby alone but I also knew that what the Universe had in store for me was something I had learned to trust. I did not try to hold on to him like some clingy thing. I did not try to control or nail him down. He was with me because he wanted to be. I knew that my Higher Self never puts me into a lesson in life that I cannot handle, so we decided to keep the baby. He was initially more confident in our staying power than I was and he has shown me time and again how much I can trust his love for me and our daughter. We are in this because our spiritual selves brought it to us, and we are two people internally aware enough to come from that pace to where we meet in the middle. She was born last year and here we are still together, madly and wildly in love, having the best sex of our lives. Growing together is not about capturing some sacred part of another person, man or woman. It is about taking spiritual responsibility for ourselves and being up to the task of facing fears.
99% of the women I know in commited monogamous relationships are sexually dissatisfied to the point that they rarely or never orgasm. These, consequently are also women who are conditioned with the same dogma in this idea, that their sexuality is something that belongs on a pedistal, something to be given to another. Sex is to be given to a partner rather than enjoyed on ones own... what a dangerously repressive thing. Where then is She to learn about what sort of ideas, situations, and fantasies turn her on and turn her out???
Hope its not too brash, but its true, heartfelt and passionate, so at the very least there is that fuel behind what I'm trying to express here. :)
I do appreciate that you are trying to protect women from being used up, but we need to teach our girls to take their own sexuality as a source of power for themselves, not some thing to be gotten to by a man or another woman.
Cheers!
SH
Your Comment
— Mar 30, 2011
Hello Santina,
You write very well.
Did you see my response to OnThePath? Would love your take on that as well.
Sincerely,
Rick
Yes, I read it
— Mar 31, 2011
and I appreciate that you say that your idea is not for everyone. I do, however, I am perhaps troubled and wrangled to arms by the nature of this advice because it is the sort of context that is dished out far too often. The problem I have with this is not the love coming through, I sense that there is fantastic intent behind this post. Its the premise, nay, the essence of the idea that disturbs me in the first place. Its a sort of band-aid when perhaps we need, dare I say, something as innovative as energetic healing sessions (to be impeccably new age lol). But seriously, I can also appreciate the luster in your experience. It would just be so awesome, especially after so many years in the sex industry as a sex worker, to hear an older man offer advice to his fellow young men about shifting ones perspective of sexuality, and even the same to young women.
much love
SH
Also, I forgot to say... thanks for the compliment :)
.
— Mar 30, 2011
Must a relationship be seen in the context of soul mates and True Love?
Can't humans have meaningful, short-term partnering which helps both parties grow and feel loved and actualized, and then part ways without any fault?
Why should I live towards procreation, and not just towards the present moment?
so sad on so many levels...
— Mar 30, 2011
Your advice to women in general to "not give it up without some guarantee of return on your investment" just feels so wrong. You state that this mess could have been avoided completely if the young lady had just a little common sense and wisdom thereby reinforcing societal belief in men as mindless progenitors with little ability to understand or desire a relationship based on much more than sexual desire and women whose primary worth is based on their ability to attract successful males (with the standards of success based on societal norms). The pressure you place on men to "do the right thing/be responsible/cowboy up" while chastising women for giving it away instead of holding out for the best offer dooms us in this charade.
Outdated Christian Philosophy
— Mar 31, 2011
Santina stated my own argument on the topic better than I ever could have. To be frank, the girl should just get an abortion. It's a shame there's such a sigma against doing it because in cases like this where conceiving a child was never the intent I think an abortion is warranted. I'm not condoning using abortion as a regular form of birth control, but people really shouldn't be having babies unless they intended to have it, and/or have the means to support it.
As for catching a good man, be patient and take care of your mind and body. The better your overall physical and mental health is, the more likely you are to attract a quality mate.
"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good."
- Thomas Paine
Its a sort of 'new thought' ordeal
— Mar 31, 2011
And what I mean by that is... rather than looking at this through the eyes of 'how to catch a good mate', we should be looking at it as 'how to live with passion'... let me explain. The kind of mate we attract is a direct reflection of our inner world, our perceptions of ourselves and relationships. If we, as women say, are attracting a mate who does not want to be honest with us, does not want to be respectful of our connection, then the likelihood that we have some idea that this is the way romantic relationships work in our subconscious minds is pretty high. If we want to attract a good mate then we should be on fire with what we care about and leave the work of finding a mate behind. When we are doing what is coming from our souls passionately then the mate who supports that will come along. I swear I swear I swear!
In essence, its about going within and cleaning house, not going without and making rules I think.
And on the subject of abortion.. its a tough thing to do. I will write more in depth about my own experience further along in my story of becoming and being a stripper in my blog, so if anyone wants to know more about that experience stay tuned... but in a nutshell, its not easy and I also don't think its a reliable back up for unwanted pregnancy. To be more clear... its sort of a once in a lifetime fail safe, of course in my opinion.
When I was younger I had a whole bunch of relationship baggage to work through. My parents taught me that romantic relationships are violent, dangerous, codependent, hurtful, untrustworthy, etc... to give you an idea. As you can imagine, the sort of mate I attracted at 18 before working through any of this was reflective of exactly these qualities my parents modeled for me. It was only through working out the tough consequences of holding these ideas , the severe pain and suffering they brought, and the determination to get out of that pain that I found ways of literally changing my mind.
Skip forward a decade and I have done enough changing of my own mind to attract a mate who wants a spiritual relationship, who wants an equal, who respects our connection, who has a heart of gold, an unfathomable and endless heart of gold.
It was not by some single rule ( such as "I will not have sex until I have had a long engagement and then marriage") It was by sorting out my inner world and re-creating it more congruently to my inherent spirit, by intuiting what sort of ideas feel better to hold about a mate in connection to what I wanted to create for myself and offer back to this world. Mind you it was all an intuitive experiment, and I'm no guru with answers, but it certainly seems to have worked. Even if we ended tomorrow, which I simply can't foresee, I am happy, so happy with what we have already managed to create together (my lover and I, that is).
In essence, what matters is that we are aware enough for our experiences to be there for ourselves and acknowledge when something is out of sync with our inner desires for our lives. If we can do that then we can go through the pain and sadness of having an abortion and knowing that's something we're not willing to experience again, or having an uncaring mate and deciding that it simply won't do for our lives.
That's why were evolvers, because were consciously evolving ourselves through our ideas, no?
winded, sorry, but such a great can of worms to open and discuss and I thank you very much for creating that!
SH
Hello Santina, There is
— Mar 31, 2011
Hello Santina,
There is sweetness of spirit about you. I love that you are able to disagree amicably. I love your fragrance. You smell of home.
I agree that we should be passionate about what we love to do and leave the soul mate finding to the Universe. My wife came to me when I least expected it...literally. I had been more than content to be single the rest of my life but life had other ideas for me. That is another story.
But let me ask you. What do you know about the passion that comes from making love with the Creative Force already animating your existence? Have you experienced the exquisite joy of union with Being to any degree? One does not need a mate for this, however, a mate does not preclude it. In fact, two can expedite it. For me, the passion that a lights and does not burn out this side of bodily orgasm is superior to any fleeting, momentray pleasure the physical can achieve.
Your thoughts are welcome.
Thanks :)
— Mar 31, 2011
I too met my partner at a time when I was elated as I was- single, penniless, mother to a three year old, doing my own thing and being contently elated with that. I was not in the least interested in a mate, more babies or a familial lifestyle. Look what surprises life brings!
And yes, there were periods of celibacy for me to know more my relationship with source, perhaps what you call beingness, or, in other words, love. I have made love to love all alone and put practice to the idea of sacred joy without necessary circumstance. I still love orgasm though, and its something that makes partnership more appealing that singledom. Not all, but its one of the pieces for sure. Alternately and interestingly, sometimes its easier to be single and masturbate when need be than to wait for someone else to get on board or whatever goes on that distracts one from another. Its also harder to maintain spiritual focus during sex with a new partner than it is to maintain a state one has nurtured and honed on ones own. Its a balance beam.
Sex and Enlightened Love
— Apr 01, 2011
You said "Its also harder to maintain spiritual focus during sex with a new partner than it is to maintain a state one has nurtured and honed on ones own. Its a balance beam"
Yes, but what if...just suppose that orgasm was not the goal.
What if the union and feelings of union were the all of it?
If a man (perhaps a woman too) were able to remain on this side of orgasm, who knows what depths of passion could be reached. Can you imagine it? I'm sure many can not, they would think they would be missing out on something, but I have reason to believe that such a relationship would be much, much more than the occasional coming together for mutual stimulation and build up culminating in the release of tension and bodily fluids followed by prolactin induced apathy. What would happen if we could hold and retain the "love hormone" oxytocin instead of releasing it? I suspect that it might keep two souls in perpetual love, remaining forever in a state of sublime horniness for each other. In such a state there is little that is mundane in the shared life. Everything would be love making. Making dinner, watching a movie, talking, doing the dishes, washing the clothes, raking the yard. There would be a perpetual twinkle in the eye of each. I have heard that, after a while, for such couples bodily/spiritual orgasms, something completely different, superior to and mutually exclusive of physical orgasm, can sometimes be achieved just by a look or a touch, let alone a quiet, perhaps still union for hours on end focused on simply "feeling" the union alone.
I am speaking of something that is not for everyone, not easy to find and reached only with practice and not without 'falling off the log" along the way. But I wonder, can you see such a thing as possible?
Sorry to have missed your
— Apr 09, 2011
Sorry to have missed your response. Would have loved your take on what I wrote in reply to your last comment.
ahh the milk and the cow.
— Mar 31, 2011
ahh the milk and the cow. Did you ever think that sometimes it's not worth buying the whole pig just for a bit of sausage?
I might add that I'm not feeling very evolved lately. And that I'm not attracted to women but not that fond of men....
such a dilemma.
“An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.”-Victor Hugo
