Permission: A Personal Journey through Self Discovery

Permission: A Personal Journey through Self Discovery

Have you ever wanted to just color outside of the lines, walk to the rhythm of your own drum without caring too much about judgment and fear? I discovered something today that was holding me back. It was the expectation that I not be judged by others and that my work not be judged by others. It is an unreasonable expectation. People judge, that shouldn’t stop us from shining.

I just started working with Parashakti on some healing work. I have been quite stingy with myself about working on my own healing. This is about to change. I’ve made a commitment to do weekly work and I have approached this commitment with quiet anticipation.

In our first session, Parashakti had me invoke a circle, a sacred space of protection. Almost immediately, I was surrounded by a circle of fire and water playfully intertwining in an alchemical shield. She asked me to state an intention for the session. Creative self-expression came to mind. I’ve been struggling with my own personal inability to creatively express myself, joyfully and without fear for quite some time now. I was beginning to think that I was a lost cause. I’ve been holding back for most of my life and it’s been both frustrating and sad at times, especially since I am surrounded by so many brilliantly courageous and creative souls in my line of work and among my amazing friends.

The next step in our work together this first session was to go back to an age when I sensed this block first started. Consciously, I had no idea when that was, however what popped into my head was the number 5, I saw it there, hovering in the air, just waiting to be plucked. So I plucked it. 5 it is. There she was, that little, spunky 5 year old. She had this mischievous look in her eyes, but I saw confusion there too.

Parashakti asked that this 5 year old communicate using my voice, so that we could begin to understand what she had to say. She said she felt held back, ashamed, afraid, afraid of speaking up, no one took her seriously, no one really listened, there was so much judgment and specifically, she remembers being judged and reprimanded for coloring outside of the lines. She wasn’t to color outside the lines. Oh how ashamed she felt for doing ‘bad’ work. But wait, she had had fun and saw no reason to stay within the confines of those lines that didn’t mean much to her since all she wanted to do was play with the colors.

The question arose, what could I do to help this little one? The answer was clear. I had her color any which way she chose, on a blank piece of paper, “go for it”, I said. When she was done, I realized that there was not need for praise as there was equally no need to criticize. When this occurred to me, I could feel a sense of liberation spread throughout my entire body. I didn’t have to tell her, good work, no. I didn’t have to say anything. All I had to do was to give her permission to do as she wished with her creative expression and those crayons and paper, simple for me and simple for her.

In the end, this is what she taught me, release your unreasonable expectation that you have to be perfect before you’ve even tried. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay not to conform, it’s okay to creatively express yourself in the way that you choose without first having to be perfect and without having to conform to the expectations or preferences of others. If you can remember why you are expressing yourself in the first place, the opinions of others will neither stroke you nor bother you so much anymore.

How could I say that I cannot draw if I are too afraid to put pencil to paper? How do I even know if I’ve only ever given up after a few squiggly lines. So, now I know it’s okay to make that crooked line, in time and with practice it will begin to look like what I had intended. Most importantly, she encouraged me to dare to be bold and wild and to take more chances. She was finally free, and I thanked her, and her new found freedom liberated me. She granted me permission, no longer feeling the need to protect me from the shame of self-expression done wrong, she let go of holding me back from my yearning to create. It cannot be done wrong if it’s authentic. It can only be done. My past has been healed and it has shifted my present moment.