The Journey

Thank you for sharing Shibalba. It's a difficult situation to be in. The healing will take a minute to fully take hold, but trust that it will come.

I was entangled in an abusive relationship myself. My friends gave me the same warnings. The woman I was involved with constantly abused me, both mentally and physically. She was suicidal, and mentally disturbed - but for some unexplainable reason I felt the need to take care of her. I could not bring myself to kick her out. One night I was awakened by my lamp being broken over my head - followed by a wrestling match over a knife she held to her wrist. Madness, pure madness.

When in these types of situations we confuse simple empathy for a fellow human with "love". In the end, we are only responsible for ourselves. If you were in an abusive relationship, you did the right thing by leaving.

Continue the journey my friend...

love and light

I applaud your strength Shibalba. I was in a very similar relationship very early in my life. He was my first love, and i stayed becuase i feared what he would do to himself when i left. I stayed for much longer then i should have, and the damage done to my soul will take decades to repair. The Hardest things to do in life are sometimes what seem like they should be the easiest. I can only say this of what i have learned. What you did today, is like planting a seed for yourself.. that seed stands for the love you have for yourself.. And the more you nurture that seed, The stronger you will become. And years from now it will be the strong oak that you can lean on when the world gets tough like it does sometimes. I just hope you know that your on the right path, and that even though times I'm sure your faith whatever it is will give you the strength to stay on it.

My thoughts are with you ..

peace and love

As a budding psychotherapist in the sixties I got an opportunity to work at Odyssey House - a innovative therapeutic community treating heroin addicts. For the few months of the seventeen I worked there - I experienced a gradual shift from magical reality to a horror show. Odyssey's founder was a young woman in her thirties who was both a psychiatrist and a lawyer. She was also a genius at innovation. Unfortunately she was also troubled and the good she did was undone by her abusive authority.

My initial idealization of her gradually was called into question. After a series of escalating inappropriate and completely unprofessional events it became crystal clear I had to leave but I was filled with the same doubts, fears, and sense of over responsibility as you describe in relationship to your woman 'friend.'

Despite my clear awareness that this woman and the environment I was in was not all evil - there was enough of it to insist I get out. The tug of war reached a fever pitch. No matter what I realized the negative inertia I experienced was overwhelming having a life of its own.

I was set up by her and forced to leave to preserve my integrity which was a good thing. But it also forced me into an eleven year psychoanalysis to understand the enormity of what I had been experiencing.

I learned that I was reliving the best and the worst of my growing up with a disturbed father who also abused his authority. The concept of identification with the aggressor commonly known as the Patti Hearst syndrome - became an organizing concept for me to begin to make sense out of my crazy quilted inner feelings.

The key to me my success was cultivating and sustaining a trusting relationship with one other human being - in this case my psychoanalyst - so that I could gradually learn to trust myself.

I had to grow a solid self structure that could experience me as more than my fears and doubts. I had to learn to affirm my own basic rights and to cope with hostile authorities.

In my experience there have been no quick cures - pithy well meant but inadequate pieces of advice - are no substitute for slow arduous work to get one's identity in good shape.

Good luck on your journey.

Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy letting out something so very personal. Just know that this too shall pass and you have people around you that love you. I wish you nothing but the best in this new chapter in your life.

If she's physically assaulting you, you need to call the cops.

It's not just about you and her at this point.

peace of mind be with you my brother....
i know your feelings... and have recently been put in a similar situation.
i was not able to meditate after my traumatic event for about a month or so...until i read your blog from last week.... once in a state of stillness i was able to work through some of these haunting energies... so thank you. i try to remind myself that there are no problems only situations and that even the worst experiences can be looked back at as a catalyst for change...and a platform for spiritual growth. its easy when we fall in love to loose ourselfs in another person... letting go is hard to do...but remember who you are...your true self...the "I am" behind the labels....you are a wonderful, unique, beautiful divine creator and this world is your playground....shine on you crazy diamond!!
much love!

Shilbala,

My heart sank when I read your post. I heard myself and read the echo of my life for the past two years. Fortunately, I've had good guidance and help finding my way out. One of the people sent to guide me is a reiki worker. She taught me what another commenter shared: we're responsible for ourselves. I shared this poem with her at our last session. It gave her chills.

I needed, I suppose, one last teacher to point out the 'web of guilt and displaced responsibility and self-negating nurturing for everyone else.' That teacher came in the form of my partner, and the abuse only got worse with every sacrifice of my dignity and every denial of my needs and every negation of my worth. The fire only grows with fodder and the fodder was my increasing attempts to be kinder, and to give and endure more.

I'm glad you're free. "Here" isn't easy. My friends have drifted away. My body has aged. My spirit is suppressed. I feel like I've lost time and opportunity and credibility. But I have the inkling of a small sense of hope. And I have wisdom. I am learned the lesson. I no longer need to believe in my own unworthiness.

Peace and love to you on your new journey.