WTF is happening in Infinity?

"I could only hold on, remembering not to fall off into the distracting light show. Then, everything stopped! The darkness opened to light, and on the other side of space, all was utterly still. Then the words "Just because it's possible" emerged out of nothingness and filled me. The great power sought to fill all possibilities. It was amoral, but it was love, and it just was. There was no benevolent God, only this primordial power. All of my ideas and beliefs seemed absurdly ridiculous. I wondered, "Why come back?" "
- DMT trip report from the book Inner Paths to Outer Space

"I went deeper and deeper inside--I traveled through various realms, some of them beautiful, others magical, and others quite scary. It felt kind of like being in a computer game, where you have to figure out a way to go from level to level and there are hidden dangers, distractions, and traps awaiting you everywhere. Finally I broke through to the top level--and to my amazement, I became simultaneously all the people (and other intelligent beings) who ever lived, are alive, and will ever live in the universe. I realized that there is only one Actor playing all the parts--it is God, and I am him. Thus, we all will be saved, there is no hell waiting for us after death (though we created one for ourselves on Earth), and God loves every single one of us the way we are. I knew that our lives are merely a dream, a virtual-reality movie. We cannot really die or get hurt and we have potential to awaken to who we really are--when we will, this world will turn into heaven. I saw how perfect the story is and that everything is fine the way it is--there is no need to struggle to change things out in the world; instead each of us has to work on healing himself or herself. There is no need to suffer or to be unhappy ever again. This experience turned upside down my views of the world and religion and changed my profoundly--for better."
- Mushroom trip report reprinted from Erowid in Inner Paths to Outer Space

I ultimately think that the divine is one static consciousness with nothing to fear, nowhere to go, and existing in an eternity of non-time. When I contemplate the desires of this incredible blissful and peaceful consciousness, I feel like this consciousness, in wanting to fully understand its permanent position, would want to experience all other possibilities as able to be manifested through its infinitely creative intelligent manifesting power. But if the divine really ultimately wants to experience all realities, it's at a cross-roads with the wants of my current box of an ego, as I devote so much of my energy to avoiding certain realities. I only want the numbers on my bank account to be above so many, I only want the future to go a certain way, and I definitely want to avoid all pain and suffering. Yet when I think about being an infinitely capable yet eternally safe entity, I start to think that every experience in consciousness may be considered delectable, even the experience of oil being mainlined into the ocean, even cows mechanically pumped of their milk til bloody under fluorescent lights, even me annoying myself with incessant thought loops, even entire realms of no-exit pain and suffering. This exercise in spiritual philosophy helps me comprehend the cruelties of the world and even makes me wonder, "Is the divine, in some way, enjoying this?" And then I start to make sense of how I can have sympathy for the devil. The devil is just me, bored and exploring everything, wanting to know pain and so self-inflicting it. And I start to have love for all the parts of consciousness, as they're all me experiencing everything so that I can know the infinity within me.

Sometimes if I really meditate on being an eternal one-consciousness, all my agony turns to tantric bliss. And it starts to feel incredible to not be in control, to be locked in time, to be wrapping the rest of my consciousness around myself in such a way that I'm like the Ouroboros. I meet my own tail as I hazily recall that another part of myself is manifesting this reality, just further down the line of consciousness. And I start to merge into ecstatic tribal dancing that melts the rigid pain of life into the bliss of the divine experiencing matter. And I feel like every moment, if viewed from the perspective of the divine experiencing infinity, is ecstasy. It's like that Rolling Stones lyric: "Let the good Lord shine a light on you / Make every song your favorite tune."

So okay, that's my understanding of that part of it. But what I don't have understanding of, what really jarbles my marbles, is infinity. What is going on in infinity? I mean, obviously, everything. But what? What strange universes, what bizarre sensations, what stories, what are the limits to infinity? I'm just so hammered down into this reality, thinking this is up, this is down, a face looks like this, time flows this way... but those are all just arbitrary rules of this reality. And there's infinite other realities! And how is that working? And what is that experience? And what is going on, really? I'm stuck hitting the wall against my the limits of my little consciousness, the barriers of which I've arranged from the other side. I want to open Pandora's box; it's inevitable, I'm naive and curious, but I'm unconsciously suppressing the part of my consciousness that is experiencing that infinity. So I guess I'm stuck trying to imagine the infinity of conscious experiences by imagining them one by one in a Neanderthal way. First I try to comprehend the consciousness of a minute snail exploring dark caverns. Second I think of every ant in all of history tracking down tiny white specs to load back to its hive. What is that sensation? Third I think of the conscious experience of a bird embryo sleeping in its egg and its world being intruded upon by the jaws of a devouring snake. Does that just feel like the entire universe has been devoured? Then I think of the machine elves constructing this reality... what is their consciousness like? Could I ask them if they can show me what it's like in their head? Then I think of the wood elves playing in the trees, what are they doing? What is their life? What is that reality like? Then I wonder about a vision I've had of a realm of unicorns, where they all gallop in the finest shades of rapture. Then I think of an alien pop music star rhapsodizing in crazy sounds on a different planet millions of years from now. And I think of a dust particle traveling from one galaxy to another. What is its consciousness? I think of a granite cliff a rushing river topples over. What is it like to be that cliff under that water surging for all those thousands of years? Just being stable, with the river never stopping... Then I think of all the ba-jillion (or infinite, rather) other things that I have absolutely no neural way of connecting to. What are all those things I can't fathom? And I think, all those things are just sitting in the dark, waiting for me to remember experiencing them. I start to wonder, what is the difference between fantasy and reality? This reality is just a dream that the divine has instantaneously created, how is that different than my fantasies?

Well, I guess that's enough musing for tonight. It has actually made me feel content to be so limited in my teeny spark of awareness. I feel like tucking myself into bed tonight like a child: "There there. You don't know about the big world out there, but you will someday. Goodnight (kiss on forehead)."

Image by Azarius - http://www.flickr.com/photos/azariusrex/2264127612/