AYAHUASCA "MY JOURNEY BEGINS"

I am sure a lot of you on here have already begun to take off in your journeys with the Mother Vine, I have just begun. I find it hard to discuss any of this with people who are close to me. They believe, they empathize, they are interested somewhat, but they do not Understand. My wife says it best, "I do not know what to say when you tell me what you encountered.. I want to say That’s wonderful babe, but That is all I can say, and it makes me feel like a bad wife that I can not give you more thank that." Others around me I don’t feel like explaining it all to them. Some "friends" have laughed and said "have you gone to any of your cult meetings lately" I guess I could dismiss all of this up to ignorance, but at the same time I still love them all and respect their opinions. I guess I decided to join this community so that I could write these feelings down and know that all of you will not judge me based upon my openness and willingness to share. So with that out of the way, here it goes..
I am 37 years old, married and have two beautiful daughters. One 3 years old and the other is 15. I raised the 15 year old by myself until I met my wife almost 5 years ago. I own and tattoo at my shop in New jersey. Just a bit of a background so you know what you are dealing with hahah.

My first ceremony, I was so lucky. I went to a friends house who happens to be really good friends with a Shaman who was willing to do a small ceremony for his friends. the friends I am doing this with are all experienced in using the Vine, and have had some of the most beautiful and terrifying experiences. And I listened to all of these stories, and like my wife I sat and said "rad" but could not offer any more. I believed them, but come on. SPIRIT WORLD??? So the day before we got to spend time with the Shaman and his partner, and a few of us did a Tobacco cleanse.. We drank a small glass of Sacred tobacco juice and proceeded to drink and purge what must have been a gallon of water over the next few hours.. It felt like forever, but it was weird his Icaros, and his cleanse felt so good.. I was really feeling quite???? high??? It was so weird. but in a good way. I purged a lot and we all joked that my purging was so loud it scared the cat. This along with many other things was a huge fear of mine I hate throwing up!! so I sat and let it go.. we left that night and I slept like a baby.

Next night we meet at the same house and I see a different set up and I met and talked with the Shaman again and we had a rad talk. He calmed me a bit. I was super nervous, and on the verge of an anxiety attack, My stomach was super tight and I had no idea what to expect. I sat on the wall just across from the Shaman I will make up a name and call him JOE for the story haha. So Joe and his partner/helper are sitting across from me and along the right hand wall are 5 friends and to the left wall one person who is friends with JOE and one of my other friends. very quaint and quiet. He begins by blessing everything and then I watch everyone go up and drink. My heart is pounding I don’t know what to expect. I watch everyone wince and burp and sitting waiting. I go up and he eyes me up with this beautiful smile he pours me what he thinks is the right amount for me. I drink it in one gulp. It did not taste as bad as I prepared for .. the smoky flavor lasted a while... I guess it was nothing compared to the Tobacco the night before. I drink and find it hard for me to leave Joe.. he smiles and says he will watch out for me.. he is so rad. I go sit down and watch the other two drink. SILENCE.. and the lights go out. I am obviously typing a quick version. So you don’t fall asleep and Vienna sausage fingers don’t hurt too bad after typing this.

I am sitting there thinking "where are the snakes, where’s the elves??? where are all of these things I read about" where are these YOUTUBE VISIONS!!??" and just when I think wow this is not working.WAM!!! I am swept off of my feet with a bang....!!! I am in it. I am seeing all of these beautiful shapes and colors, slow at first and then he begins to sing. MY GOD.. it is so amazing. Its amazing re-living it as I type this... so beautiful, organic colors and textures. The movement is a lot I feel a bit dizzy, but I am still in my body at this point. I find myself clearing my throat a lot to make sure I recognize myself still being there. I am afraid to leave my body...his first Icaro ends and his last note drags out for what seems like 10 minutes, I follow this last note on a quick journey to a jungle of sorts but as soon as I hear a loud bang I come out of it and I am very nervous still. I am breathing a bit faster than usual and JOE had come over to me and touched my head to check my temperature?? so I am dwelling on that. I look out of the right side of my view and there is a spirit sitting in the dining room area off of the main room we are in. MY eyes are open and I see her. She is Native looking and very promitive.She looks scared.. I am still afraid of her at this point.. I keep an eye on her but close my eyes again.His songs come in..A little more this time. he wants us to work.. and I LET GO and check my ego for a moment... it is so amazing. I am listening to purging everywhere wondering why I am not purging??? but keep going, I am still in these beautiful Aztec and Mayan patterns. I feel someone there but can not see them. I then remember my friend in the dining room. I open my eyes and she is there with 5 other Native women.. I think "oh my god what’s happening" I start to panic a bit when I close my eyes and open again to still find them there. And then it hits me.. and I call out "Abuelita?" and she smiles. I recognize her now. its my Great grandmother. She is the Last person on earth to Speak Chumash. I am a descendent of great line of Chumash men and women. A heritage I had forgotten about... I am Spanish as well and I have forgotten both. Probably beaten out of me when I was younger living in a Mexican area of Southern California. I was the kid with the Spanish last name and Spanish family but I looked white...so I guess I forgot about it on purpose.. I speak Spanish. I am proud of it but for some reason I turned my back on my Chumash heritage..

I brought her here. I had to of. She looks scared. she looks worried for me and for the others she is with. she reaches for me but I cant get up to walk over to her.. so I smile, and I sit up.. I sit up and find myself proud of who I am. I sit up as a CHUMASH MAN.. a Warrior... and I sit up to face whatever is to come my way... Not in a menacing way. In a PROUD way... I close my eyes again and I talk to my Grandmother.. she talks back. She tells me how proud she is.. I ask to talk to my brother Craig, who passed away as a baby.. She says she cannot help me there.. I then notice she is scared again.. and I hear what can only be described by what it was.. A GIANT SPACE SHIP..yup. hahah you read it right. IT WAS HUGE!!! and the entire roof opened up, the sky opened up, almost like the way you see an old photo burned?? like that! and the Audible the noises are incredible..TONES I have never heard before and the light! with every beam of light there was another loud tone.. you could feel the tones.. like strong BASS and heavy BASS. it was incredible I opened my eyes and the lights were still everywhere. I looked over to my grandmother and she is huddled with the other women and they ARE SCARED and swiping their hands at the ship as to SHOO it away.. I yell to her in my mind that I will protect her.. she is still scared.. I look around the room and there are 2 others looking up at the ship. I know they saw it.. I know especially after talking to them the next week. and one of my closest friends was in the upstairs bathroom and he saw it as well.. it was so unreal.. I looked at my grandmother and she points to her chest as to say look at mine..I look and there is a beam of light coming out of my chest..it looks like a rope ladder, going up to the ship. I feel an invitation , but I say no thank you.. I stay put.. I have to.. I feel I have to keep the circle.. and stay for my grandmother and friends. And for JOE. I feel it going away and I feel relieved to be honest.. and the Icaros start again.. and this time I am really in it.. I am watching the world.. I don’t know what specifically but I am taking it all in.. I am learning about my people.. I am feeling the love of the Icaros and JOE.. and the rest of the room.. I am feeling it and taking it in with huge breaths.. and I am breathing for my friends who are purging.. I am letting them have my energy.. I feel like I am important to the community.. all this happening when I see and hear my friend come down from upstairs.. and I hear the guy next to me start playing a bowl?? but the sounds coming off of it are not soothing to me.. and I feel like he should not be playing it. I don’t think he is playing it to be a problem or to cause problems. He is playing it for the room, but I am not feeling it. This is where it gets a bit scary.. I know everyone is in the room and in their spots.. the Icaros are not being sung and his Bowl is playing and I watch a real evil feeling spirit come down the stairs. THIS IS WITH MY EYES OPEN.. this is the first time other than seeing my grandmother and her friends, that I have watched a spirit.. it is dark. South American Indian looking. He has at least 10 necklaces of big beads and he has no shirt on.. he is skinny and long. he is crawling on all fours but his knees are not touching the ground. Make sense?? I guess not haha. But he walks over to my friend whose house it is and gets nose to nose with him.. My friend begins to purge so bad.. and the spirit turns and looks at me as if I am next. I close my eyes than open them.. and he is nose to nose with me. I can smell him. Feel his breath on me.. he is not good.. and I see my Grandmother shoot over to my side. I am paralyzed.. and tell him to leave me and my friends and family alone. I am stern.. I tell him to FUCK OFF. maybe out loud.. and I snarl at him like someone is holding me back but if they weren’t I would go at him.. I don’t know where my balls came from haha but At this time my grandmother told me to leave him be.. that he is a drunk old man.. and he is to be forgotten.. Joe at this time I think sees him.. he walks over and starts his Icaros and starts waving his feathers and his leaves and with this, the spirit starts stumbling off and order is restored..

By this time I am exhausted and things are wearing down a bit. And he invites us up to drink again.. I thought AGAIN??? what am I thinking. and YES I DRANK AGAIN. .this time the trip was different it was more self reflection. stuff about myself and my family.. how to love again.. I need this a lot. and I am learning how to love like I am supposed to. I know I love my family, but I don’t let them love me back.. I am always too busy for them. I relive every fight My wife and I had.. and it is painful.. I see it from a third person point of view.. and it is silly some of the shit I have put my family through.. I am so sorry for it all and I vow that night to attempt to change for everyone.. As I will find out its not that easy! but I am grateful for all of these visions. the whole time there is a woman talking to me but I am afraid to talk back and I don’t know why?? she seems caring and I know she means me no harm.. I only muster up enough courage to ask to see my brother.. She tells me I am not ready.. and to work on the lessons at hand.. I am then led into a room, it looks like a baby room, but there is a hospital bed in the middle. I look and I see my 15 year old daughter laying in the bed...and she is SUPER SICK. and she has no hair and tubes everywhere. Its horrible. I begin to cry. I am crying hard.. and its too much for me. I open my eyes but I am immediately taken back there.. I tell the woman whom I figured out later to be mother Ayahuasca, Please don’t make me see her like this.. she says I have to.. I say why does she have to be sick.. she says she may not get sick, but her souls is damaged. I raised her by myself and she is hurting inside form years of neglect from her mother, and I know I raised her, but did I LOVE HER ENOUGH??? did I put her through to much too fast.. is she mad at me for re-marrying, having her sister??? WHY???? I don’t know why, but I cant look at her.. I am sad I did not talk to her. But I smiled at her and she tried to smile back but she couldn’t she was in too much pain. Jesus Christ this is too much I am thinking.. I ask her if I can please stop and rest. She tells me to go ahead. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep for a few minutes when JOE comes over and tells me to sit up and wake up. that I have work to do..

I think to myself how much more can I do?? I enjoy the songs. it has mellowed down, to the point I can open my eyes and watch the cleansings of my friends. there is a candle in the middle of the room and the people sit in front of the candle and I can see their shadows on the ceiling and wall.. it is weird because no ones shadow matches their bodies?? and my one really close friend is going through a lot he is purging and in pain.. JOE looks to be having a hard time cleansing him it is incredible to watch him helping someone he barely knows and showing so much love and care.. And when he finally does purge I watch a monster come out of him. I see the shadow of a monster go on to the wall and out of the room it was amazing. the next few cleanses were not so eventful, but beautiful none the less.. then its my turn. JOE puts a chair up instead of having me sit on the floor, he knows I have had 3 surgeries on my knees and I can barely walk at this point. Earlier in the night I experienced the FAMOUS ELVES.. they came into my knee and started to do work but then they moved to my stomach and it made me sick, I panic and stopped them.. he sat me up and at this point he put on a headband. He had not put this on all night. He took my necklace he had given me and he put it on. He started to do the cleanse, and while he did his partner was behind me and she WAILED SO LOUD! it scared me. she Started to PURGE so loud. I thought oh my god what’s happening??? is there a monster in me? I am dizzy at this point and she whispers in my ear, she says "this is very important, you are important, we know you brought your great grandmother to our ceremony, we felt her, we saw her.." she looked over to the dining room area and said "thank you for bringing 6 generations of NATIVE WOMEN, please do not forget your heritage. It is important" I started to cry. I knew what she meant.. I was so shamed.. I was so ashamed of not being a prouder Chumash.. but I felt okay with it.. I wept bad. Joe felt my pain and he hugged me.. hugged me like I never had been hugged. he told me to sit up.. and he worked on my knees for a good 25 minutes.. Such a caring man.. probably the best person I have ever met.. I am lucky to have reconnected with him and drank again...but that is for another blog.. He and JENNY ( alias for his partner haha not too good with fake names!) are still in contact with me today. The night ended and I had to drive 2 hours home.. and I cried all 2 hours.. I got home and hugged my daughters and held my wife.. they knew change had begun. They knew that my life was changing.. My wife was so happy for me.. I told her everything. and I kissed her like I have never kissed her before.. and she knew that I was going to try to change for the right reasons.. There is a lot more to the aftermath of this story. I will see what type of feedback I get back form this one. I am happy I shared this with you all. and I hope it brings more connections in the future. I am happy to be EVOLVING with you all..
Peace.
Smivee