on awareness of the biological existence of self and existential crises with psychedelics...

[Apr. 13th, 2009|12:41 pm]
[ current noise: | Trifonic - Parks On Fire | Powered by Last.fm ]

As I get older and more aware of my health, I find that I become more aware of a certain sense of darkness pervading existence whenever I take entheogens...

While this trip was by no means a "bad" one, it certainly did have that foreboding quality of mortality lurking in the back of my mind.

This of course, leads to existential questions such as why? It's like Terence talking about the Trepidation each time... Like taking a tiny raft out to a giant ocean. Every time I think I'm done with them. I feel I've learned all there is to know. Yet, there are reminders, things barely perceptible in the fringes of the mind, that we are too often quite happily willing to overlook.

Admittedly, I didn't reach any massive peak. I don't know if it's the LSA itself and it's qualities (which could very well be), or the dosage, but there doesn't seem to be as much of that massive awe and joy that could be found under higher doses of mushrooms.

The last few times I've done mushrooms have been on lower doses (due to a limited amount purchased and the fact I'm a larger person and thus require much more than an average weight person)... This has led to a more earthy, dark feel. Admittedly, I do feel an oppressive vibe at Tony's place. The darkness and lack of lights. The dogs... It's not a very positive trip place for me.

The realizations of respect and admiration for K and her job of raising her son, and a reconfirmation of my love for Rose and last night, this awareness of mortality of self. Those were things that did come out of this, so it was positive, even if not "cosmic" nor intentional.

What this is pushing me to do is what I've known I should, and reaffirming my "sickness"... That is to say my unhealthiness...

At the same time I'm trying to grasp some sort of existential point. I can't pretend to believe in the great UFO Oversoul of 2012. I can't pretend to believe that the Robots-as-future is a future I want to see. I can't pretend that I particularly like the idea of our biological existence filled with disease and suffering.

To me, there is some sort of point of creativity, and maybe the whole technology thing IS a point of that on a massive scale, but then what? What point is there of that as we rapaciously kill off the planet in an unsustainable manner?

I wish I could find a psychedelic that lasted maybe 2-3 hours, was more full of positive energy (like E). Something that floods you with that ecstatic joy, and yet still trippy. I suppose hippy-flipping (shrooms + X) would be one way. But that's out for the fact that I made a promise long ago not to do E (and it ultimately was probably a smart choice, even if I'm not particularly enthused about it -- not that I could easily find it these days).

I guess the key is to find balance between the Erotic and Thanatonic (which has sort of always been my point) To appreciate and be aware of the power of death, while still finding the capacity to love, joy and self-expression. These are not easy things to do in our culture.

I was thinking the other night that so much of our mindless frittering is really just us trying to avoid our own mortality. All the things we do as a society, the things that make us sick on an ever larger scale, are really distractions meant to make us ignore our ultimate fate. In the meantime, history keeps marching on, technology "progresses", humanity breeds, mankind continues to murder and kill and all the awful things we do... And those who love balance struggle to maintain a sense of homeostasis against this ever growing tide of production and consumption.

So it really does come down to some existential thing. We have to make our own destiny and live as we can as we are, for "Now... it's all you have" And it's scary, but maybe I can find some sense of liberation in this as well.

In the meantime, I will continue to love my music, and love laughter, and love creative minds, and love my friends and family and try to do a better job of expressing that love to those who need to hear it (that includes people like Rose and my Sister and family in general).

Life isn't easy. My life is probably a lot easier than 95% of the world, and yet it can still be tough at times. I am grateful for what I have. Grateful for those who love me and continue to love and support me in the times I need it.