Current progression

So...

I'm at a new stage in life. I have been many things through the years. Having been brought up (by my mother) in a Pentecostal Church, I have spoken in tongues, I have seen visions, I have heard the voice of demons. I was a creationist. I derived my own version of Pascal's Wager (including an option for Reincarnation) when I hadn't heard of it before.

I then evolved through that wager into questioning my own beliefs, and whether I was a "believer" because I truly believed or whether I believed from fear. And it was then that I ended up pursuing a more materialist/rationalist/scientific bent. I was never really *into* the whole Jesus thing. I mean I got some of it. And I am glad that the concept of God's Love was such an influence (my Mother as regressive as she can be politically, was an outstanding example of Godlike Love, and I will never regret or deny the effect it's had on me :))

I ended up for a while becoming a Transhumanist/Extropian (ca. 1997-1998) through my encounter with the philosophy online and buying "The Physics of Immortality" by Frank Tipler. I had a strong Anthropocentric bent to my belief system. This changed after moving to a fairly liberal town, meeting up with the Libertarian Party head, and found he was way more right-leaning in his politics than I had an interest in. Politically I was moving to the left (I voted for Harry Browne in 96). Philosophically I was beginning to "grok" environmentalism and the idea that humans are animals (I can still recall the time when it really hit me that we are apes, and that our behaviors have an evolutionary history), my friends who were in college at the time laughed a bit at my naivete when I shouted out "Have you guys ever thought about what it really means that we're just animals?" One was a bio major at the time, and she chuckled and said "Of course!"

So then I got into radical politics leaning towards Anarchism. My heart still lies there with decentralized bottom up organization. This is informed by a larger view of emergent behavior/complexity theory, and ties into my whole weltanschauung, with my interest in holgraphic concepts, fractals, neurology, cosmology, quantum mechanics, etc...

I had always considered myself some sort of Pantheist once I got out of the Christian viewpoint. I was also a reductionist for a long time. Scientific Materialist, whatever you wish to call it. I still harbor a skepticism towards the 'spirit' but also have a dreamlike quality in philosophy...

What I'm trying to do now is to find balance. I've gone so far to the cycle of reactionary skepticism/agnosticism that I've shut myself off from avenues that I know I "resonate" and have a certain sympathy for. I admit that some of these roadblocks do seem to be reinforced by a sort of "wackiness" by some people who follow similar lines of thought. And perhaps this is a judgement I need to overcome.

When I was questioning/leaving Christianity, I told myself that I need to seek. I said that if God exists, and he gave me a rational consciousness, that he would want me to explore and not merely accept something that was told to me without trying to understand the possibilities out there.

So, having gotten to a point in my life where I have settled upon a world view, I think it's time for a bit of a shake up. All that has come before informs where I am now, and what I am now, will most assuredly inform where I go. But I cannot remain static.

So I find that I am curious about the idea of Pandeism, that the universe is God, but that it's not a strictly materialist phenomenon. That it may be there was a creator god who incarnated into reality in order to experience the "play" of lila (to use a Hindu term), and "know himself"... (apologies for such traditional gender terminology) I have had a connection with Pantheism for a long time (since I was a child?) even though I maybe didn't quite know what it was.

But now, I find I might be ready to explore a concept of a higher order dimension of which I am somehow an entity of. Whether as a lower dimensional shadow cast down, or somehow an emergent phenomenon. An evolving ape or fallen angel? Why must these be exclusionary concepts? Why are these not something that occur at once?

Too many thoughts, ideas and patterns to explore in one post.

But this is just an update on where I'm heading with my thought.

I have a new love, and old friend, and I look forward to sharing our explorations together. I thank her for opening up and reminding me of my past and my dreams. And I am so grateful to reawaken a spirit of joy and hope... A spirit that has been crushed by the mindnumbing realities of everyday life, of a world of politics, a world that's beaten me down psychically and physically.

Yes, so much of this is *I*, but I hope someday it will be *us*... All you wonderful people out there who I know if only briefly. I admit, I haven't checked evolver in a long time. But I have a feeling that as I'm awakening to these stirrings that I shall be visiting here more often.