Growing Up, Growing Apart.
posted by Vincenz0h | April 10, 2010
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IcerocketMy friends and I had been growing apart for a long time, but I feel that last summer there was a specific point of demarcation. I was at a festival, in the back of one of the tents, rolling around on the ground, tripping complete face, and all I wanted was somebody there next to me, but nobody was. I knew then that my friends and I weren't on the same wavelength anymore. I understand that they were off having their own experiences, and I don't blame them for that, but the place where our experiences intersected - both that night and in our normal lives - was growing smaller and smaller.
A lot of it had to do with me wanting to sober up, thus undermining the basis for much of our social interactions. It's not that we were only friends because we got high together, but getting buzzed was certainly the glue that bound our group together. I had a lot of experiences with these people during high school and college, and I felt that I could really be myself around them, that we had an unparalleled level of trust and honesty. But after a while, being myself around them seemed to feel uncomfortable. I indulged in a lot of political/spiritual fanaticism and eccentricity which used to be endearing, but now seemed more alienating and obnoxious.
All of this combined with a serious reevaluation of the yardstick of values with which I measure my self worth, and also the kind of future that I desired for myself. All this seemed to diverge from that of my clique, and it became painfully clear that we weren't connecting anymore, that we were growing in different directions.
By this time I was getting done with college and planning to move to a new city. I felt smothered in loneliness, stuck in a routine dulling of the senses, and a terrifying sense that I was helpless to direct my own life because of that. I felt like I was in-the-way socially, and all I wanted to do was leave.
It's only been two months since I've moved away. This process of growth is still happening as I run into new challenges and realizations. But where I once felt restriction, I now feel open space... maybe TOO much open space. I'm nostalgic for the fun and trust that we used to have, but at the same time the thought of visiting sends pangs of anxiety through me. I catch wind of drama and upheaval happening in the group, and am glad that I don't have to be involved in it unless I choose to. I catch my old habits and patterns carrying over into my new relationships and am doing my best to be aware of them when they arise and to do something different instead.
The only thing is that I'm craving intimacy and don't feel that have anywhere to turn for it.
Comments
something similar...
— Apr 10, 2010
...happened to me. I was one of the founding members of a particular group of fringe wackos back in the late 70s and early 80s. This particular group has become quite famous nationally, and I'm not going to name it or specific people because some of these people are still quite well known (at least in the general crowd) and I don't want to hurt feelings.
I was one of the youngest people in the group, and one of the most out there, coming from a really dysfunctional home and still being really smart at the same time. Our trip was largely self indulgent, we took a lot of drugs, had our intense social dramas, and laughed at everyone else.
Some of the people I knew back then were heroes to me, to all of us really. Bright stars. I couldn't imagine anything but that they would go on to do brilliant things. Almost 20 years later, after one tour in the military and somehow getting through college all the way to a profession, I ran into some of them.
It was pretty shocking. I had more or less sobered up, explored spirituality, did martial arts, and had a career. not of them had changed. One in particular had been among other things in theatre, a great vocalist, drummer, athletic a wildman. When I ran into him, he was completely shocked. 'dude, your so buffed' (I was doing like 2-3 hours of kung fu daily back then) and I wanted to say, but didn't 'dude, what the hell happened to you?' he had turned into this shriveled little grey person. He's only about 2 years older than me.
Another of them came to my house. I had a nice small old house in a decent little suburb in maryland... i'm the kind of person who would be just as happy living in a tent, but living in the professional world and having money, well you just kind of go along with all the rest of it. I mean, it's no point of pride with me.
my old friend, who I had taken road trips with, tripped with, had those kind of deep, personal conversations with, was so jealous of it all, all these pointless trophies that I could really give a crap about, that he could hardly stay and drink a beer, before he was like, 'well, so many things happening in my life, gotta run.' yeah.
Some people change, and some don't. Change is always hard. Most people would avoid it if they could. I just couldn't, and they never did.
I wouldn't say that my
— Apr 10, 2010
I wouldn't say that my friends aren't changing, because they are. But we are just changing in different directions, and I don't feel that I fit in with them anymore.
What compelled you to split off and do all those things? It sounds like you left and changed, whereas I feel like I started changing before I left.
Actually...
— Apr 10, 2010
...my life was so unstable, I was nearly living on the street at a certain point, and I figured I just needed a complete, dipolar opposite for a while, so I joined the USN as a medic... I really didn't want to abandon everybody, but, I guess the big change was no longer being such a party-er... I started doing Aikido in the Navy, which is this deeply spiritual martial art, (in pure Aikido, there is no initiating attack. It's all about taking an attacker's energy and turning it around. No attacking energy= you don't get hurt.) and through studying that, learned about zen, started practicing it. my friends were not very spiritual people (to put it mildly) and when I told one of my old friends i was studying Tibetan Tantra under the guidance of an old Tibetan teacher, it was one of the most purely WTF moments I have ever been on the receiving end of. You can't really do all that kind of training and partying, too (well, I can't anyway. Some people are a lot more integrated than I am or probably ever will be)... bottom line for me was I had to pick between my old friends and there direction of energy and a direction that I felt I had to go.
Vincenz0h, I'm always moved
— Apr 12, 2010
Vincenz0h, I'm always moved by what you have to say on here, you're very curt, and I gotta tell you, it's really nice to see your softer side. You should show your vulnerability more often, you always strike me as a sort of warrior with impenetrable armor.
Intimacy really is a big deal. I think the one grain of comfort you can find in all this -- if you can get past the nostalgia of former circles of friends -- is that the level of intimacy you were receiving before you moved wasn't cutting the mustard, therefore you're addressing how to make that level possible in your new life. You're taking the proper steps, you've asked for it. You'll find it. Might not be overnight, but you will. Like a friend of mine always says, "The Lord will provide."
The nostalgia, I feel you on that. It's the painful part. But don't dwell. When you reach the level of intimacy you're seeking with a new circle of friends, you won't dwell anymore either. Best of luck to you =)
Haha. The truth is I have a
— Apr 12, 2010
Haha. The truth is I have a LOT of insecurities and have built up defense mechanisms of intellectual superiority and smugness to deal with them. The problem is that now the foundations I had for my sense of self worth have been shifting and right now my personality flaws that stem from those insecurities seem much more salient than my good qualities. It's a balancing act between humility and self esteem.
But I definitely feel that confronting those issues is going to be vital for achieving trust and intimacy in new circles. I have to admit to myself the reasons why some people are put off by me, and why I have difficulty connecting and being social.
Stand By Me
— Apr 12, 2010
This society produces some strange social dysfunctions in many of us.
I thought that me and my friends would ALWAYS be friends. We thought we were rockstars, and that we could take on the world together. We'd take drugs and play music for hours, and thought 'who could stop us!'. When you have a fringe group of teens being anti-social together like that - going through puberty and trying to find "love" and a "career-path" - it can be tough when it's "time to grow-up".
It's a shame that our society is fashioned in such a way that teens need to feel "anti-social" at all. The creativity of youth should be encouraged and taken seriously for ideas of change. These dusty old pompous ass-holes running business/religion/government really need to be taken less seriously.
It was really hard to go through a drug addiction with all of my friends - we all got really nasty with each other. We'd always blame it on the drugs and forgive each other. After awhile (years) I realized that it wasn't the drugs - because we had all stopped using hard drugs. I realized that for years I had thought less of myself if my "friends" did. I slowly allowed myself to become a follower and less vocal about standing up for myself. I couldn't even smoke a joint with them and feel relaxed or like I could be myself - I'd find myself adjusting to their opinions time and time again.
I didn't even realize this until an intense psychedelic experience where I truly viewed my live completely. I realized that I had allowed myself to be abused by those I loved. Whether it was my friends treating me like shit, or my mother not taking my spiritual beliefs seriously (She would always argue with me that I'm just lost, and I'll come back to Christ). Regardless, I would only argue a point and stand up for myself a little bit - but I would always back down for fear of losing an intimacy - a meaningful relationship.
We all NEED friends that we can count on as family. It's in our human condition - we are social creatures. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, I think the adults in that "village" need to have healthy relationships themselves. We allow for TV to program our children to be healthy social creatures. We are raised in a society that places no real value on working together. It's all a hyper-capitalist free-for-all. So when teenage years of angst and alienation come up - we cling for dear life to a group of similar kids. When that security blanket is finally taken away - we are felt lost. Why do you think we all connect with the movie "Stand By Me" so much? Who doesn't like that film?! We all connect with that innocent sense of nostalgia about the "good ol days".
I turned 25 today, so this post couldn't have been more appropriate, because I was just thinking about these things. It's funny to move through life now, always comparing new faces to old ones, new experiences to old ones. Life moves onward, and I hope to make new memories that are so bright they blind the sun.
Love and Light
- Mike
sobering up?
— Apr 13, 2010
When you say "sobering up" what do you refer to? Hard drugs and drinking? All drugs? Even coffee?
I had a similar experience when I stopped smoking weed habitually after an epic reggae festival. When I came back and told people I wasn't going to be smoking like a fiend my friends seemed offended. It was as if I was criticizing them when in reality I was simply making a personal choice. I had already stopped drinking about a year and a half before I stopped habitually smoking (stopped drinking in April of my Junior year in high school, stopped habitually smoking in early august after Senior year in high school--i still smoke though, just not anywhere close to every day). I can definitely tell that my friends don't change so much as long as they remain confined to the habitual vortex of addiction they have created.
It's all part of the process, but it's definitely challenging to return to my hometown of only 2,500 people while my former close friends remain the same as I evolve through mental/spiritual dimensions.
BE the WAVE.
LOVELIGHT.
I0880I
Mainly weed, but secondarily
— Apr 13, 2010
Mainly weed, but secondarily alcohol.
Don't get me wrong. I love marijuana. I LOVE IT! But I just didn't want to stay stoned all the time. I mean, that's okay in college, but after a while it just felt like I did it because there was nothing better to do with my time. And because I was constantly bored and didn't have any fulfilling activities to do, I would always return to it.
I felt like it was just a big waste of time and money. I definitely didn't feel like my friends respected my desire to change. They certainly didn't encourage me. I don't know that they were offended, but maybe implicitly they figured that if I thought that I was wasting MY time, and that I was being too self-indulgent, then I must also think that they were wasting THEIR time and being self indulgent. I suppose that that judgment probably was there on my part, but I never tried to pester them about it. I never told them that they needed to do what I was doing.
But like I said, I became kind of fanatical about political activism and religion, and I found these things to be meaningful and fulfilling. I would talk to them about stuff and they'd be like "yeah, that's a good thing to do..." but not really be very interested in participating or really caring beyond giving kudos. Then we'd just get high and talk about trippy stuff and this chasm between the activities that I found to be fulfilling and the activities that I did with my friends just became wider and wider over time.
Thanks for this
— Apr 13, 2010
I am and have been going through something very similar...but I think that sharing this with all of us here is a different way of being "intimate." You're sharing your thoughts and your feelings with all of us, and I think we care enough to take the time to read your blog and respond. It sucks when things change, or when you're changing for the better and everyone seems to be stuck in the same mode. Even if you're feeling alone, knowing you're not the only one feeling this way might make you not feel alone, so then you're not REALLY alone at all Haha. Anyway I hope you feel better and I have a quote that I think is really fitting for this blog so here you go, "Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest, but about who came and never left your side."
-Carcar <3
