On Death and Being Sick

It’s all just pure insanity, all of it, but it’s fun! Isn’t it fun? It’s got to be fun, fear is just silly. Fear is like not wanting to be sick and then you are and it’s not that bad after all. Okay it’s a bit bad, but only temporarily and then you’re okay again and you might even feel better.

It’s all so strange, but fun! Isn’t it? Or would it be better...

Would it be better to what? Would it be better to nothing! It’s a totally redundant question. What’s happening is what’s happening and what’s happening is okay. Good enough.

Or would something a bit more boring be better? All of that for example, everything they do and am I even able to do it anyway? My life is so different to what I can see around me that it makes you wonder whether in fact all of that is actually the right thing to do. What on earth ever made me think that all this was perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour?

But if I write it down does that make it come true? Like one of those sigils? Just a little more convoluted? Maybe that’s why people write Christmas and birthday cards, because it actually works! So maybe I shouldn’t be writing this down or at least should be more careful about what I do write down because if that really was the case it could be slightly detrimental to my well-being.

But you said fear was silly, like not wanting to be sick you said. But then being sick is only a minor death, is that how it will feel? I said be careful!

There’ve been a lot of brave people. You hear about it a lot. Were they brave or just a bit naive? Did they really know what to expect and, more importantly, that they could take it? You can take it. You will take it. But later rather than sooner would be nice!

Is the physical reflection of myself any reassurance? You’ve got to start thinking that you’re going to live forever, or better still, stop thinking about it altogether.

Most people don’t think about it, and that’s why it doesn’t happen to them. Every time you do think about it, it makes it more likely to happen which is why most people die when they’re old and certain sorts of people die more than others.

But what about the Tibetans? They’re always thinking about it. They don’t think about anything, that’s the whole point. How can they not think about it when apparently they’re being persecuted by the Chinese? How could they not think about it when one of their most sacred texts is apparently about how to die?

Well I look alright in the mirror anyway, I don’t feel alright, but I look alright and I might even be able to act alright. Could it be that easy to hide? In a lot of cases hiding it is quite beneficial, the minor cases that is.

Well you can’t really get much more what-you’ve-always-wanted than this. Do you really have to be careful what you wish for? Or is that just said by people who, temporarily or in general, are talking or talk shit.

If things are okay, IF things are okay, then this is really very good, but only on the condition that it always will be.

Is recklessness okay? Is it actually the key to happiness? Or will all this end in misery? Or will final realisation, in fact, make it all worthwhile? Well that’s what I’ve been told by some.

Everyone seems to believe there’s nothing really wrong with it, not that wrong anyway, slightly wrong maybe but not too wrong because it’s not that bad anyway and it’s far more important to do what you want to do.

Is it all just reckless nonsense? Is realisation just another form of madness? And if so should it really be sought? Because where I’m from it’s not exactly encouraged, where they’re from it may well be fine but is that any reason for me to embrace it?

“He must be mad doing what he’s doing.” We’re idiots. She’s quite brave though, my fellow familiar face, and luckier?

It’s all just a bit silly really and you fell for it. Art and adventure are what most people avoid.

There’s a certain type of Colombian who comes across as quite cowardly, or would that be more like sensible? It is quite ugly though, which is hopefully important.

A lot of the ones back home look bored out of their minds and you’ve tried it and it’s boring. Maybe I might have to be more patient. They’re just more patient, and sensible. I am having a good day though so far.