Confessions of a control freak

Recently my family held their 96th reunion, and in an attempt to come out of seclusion I drug my husband and sons out to spend 3 fun filled days camping with 40 related strangers. This was not our first rodeo so we all knew what to expect. Thus I spent 2 full weeks micromanaging every last detail of our excursion. The harder I tried to get everything in order for a smooth relaxing trip, the more things got out of hand. The week of the trip arrives and by Wednesday I am so cranky and emotional that no one can stand me and frankly neither could I. I managed to piss everyone off, alienate my brother and mother, turn my already crazy house into pure chaos and stood on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Having spent several hours going between rage and crying like a baby I decided I needed to stop, breath and take a different look at things. Ok I can do this, I can just go with the flow and not worry about all the minor details like whether or not the kids brought underwear and socks. They are after all, grown men despite the fact I call them kids, surely they knew if you are going on an weekend trip you needed socks and underwear. (I was wrong about that incidentally, one made it there with neither) My multiple lists confirmed I had everything plus some, including the equivalent of the kitchen sink. Still though I was struggling with a compulsion to make sure it was all just so..Seriously? With opened eyes I watched my self slowly transform into a deranged, hen pecking, compartmentalizing Tasmanian devil woman. ( I need to mention here, that my husband is an absolute saint and for the most part just takes me in stride) So I am watching myself acting this way and wondering why I am doing this. Why am I creating more drama and stress when I know full well all my fussing and fuming is pointless? The whole weekend was like this.. I felt oppressed, smothered, completely out of control and irritable to the point of being petty, essentially seeking out things to feel disgruntled over..WTF?? Even though I could see how I was acting, and feeling very wrong about it within my spirit it seemed I was powerless to stop myself. But was I really?

Of course not! I am the only one who has the power to change my behavior. So why then was I really acting this way? It comes down to control. Before this experience would I have recognized myself as a control freak? Maybe. More likely just characterize myself as someone who needed things a certain way. Yep denial again.. I am very very good at that game..But really, I am a control freak.. I have a compelling need to have things just so, and when I feel the world whirling around me I fall into this unattractive behavior. Sometimes I move furniture around, if I cant do anything about whats going on out there, I will have power over this.. It may seem silly but it works for me, allows me to find my peace and gets the stagnant dusty corners new light. This I think is a healthy way if not always convenient (for those who I enlist to move the big stuff) way of expressing my fear of being powerless. I wonder though if channeling the energy of that fear, for fear is what it is at its core, is necessarily the right approach. If maybe by doing that I am robbing myself of gaining new knowledge and experience. If I were to allow myself to accept that I feel this way, acknowledging the circumstance and forgiving my perceived inabilities is it possible I would be able to move through the issue stopping the cycle and growing instead? In turn gaining experience that enables me to let go of the fear, healing another niche in the web of consciousness. Flowing like a river, making the stones and branches part of my splendor, not damming up and stagnating. It seems this journey to enlightenment and awareness never ends, just when you think around the bend will be the glorious moment when all is right, you are right, the whole universe is understood, all the trials and tribulations over, you get clotheslined on a low limb. With my new eyes I see this for what it is, a learning opportunity, a chance to choose differently, to embrace my inner knowing and step with faith. I don't have to have control, I don't have to have everything my way, I don't have to understand. I just have to have faith in myself, in my strengths, forgiveness for my weaknesses and courage to love. No matter what obstacle it may be, I have no need to fear, for I am the solution. I have the key to my control issues, my reactions, the only thing that we truly do have control over. I can chose to get upset and freak out or I can chose to accept and let go. Always it comes to letting go, acceptance, forgiveness and love..

Does this mean that I will never behave like a lunatic over some tiny perceived infraction or bump in the road? No, but I at least have the tools I need to make every curve ball a home run. Knowledge is a step in the right direction!

Confessions of a control freak

Open doors and seams on socks.
Cracker crumbs in my bed
and jelly in the peanut butter
really fill me with dread.

I want tri-fold towels and right side cups.
Don't drag that fork across the plate
OMG the way you drive
gets me revved with hate.

So many other tiny ticks
I only named a very few
I am a control freak
I confess this to you.

My way, IS the right way.
At least, part of the time it's true
if you could only see that
seriously, how blind are you?.

This world is crazy, I mean whacked.
So its not my fault you see
that even the little things
irritate the shit out of me!

E. Archer 2011