Sorting through challenges, experiences and emotions

I just finished a two week river canoe trip going up north to James Bay. In these past few weeks I've been experiencing alot of things, and symbolically, its hard to make sense of things, so this is an attempt at that.

The trip was amazing. The sights of the river, the sea, and life in nature put me in a different place. It was an experience in itself. It was a return to nature; a long awaited deep breath of air. I was with amazing people. I grew, and I bonded with my peers. I fell in love with a girl on this trip, who has a long term partner and a job in another city. There wasn't much I could do about the situation. As beautiful as I found this girl, in her heart and soul, I dared not cross that line.

I couldn't help but feel like an Intruder in the wilderness though. We carried in packed food purchased from a grocery store, going in and out of nature, surrounded by life that lives there 24/7, life that earns its place in nature, life that must depend on its surroundings to live.

After the trip, we got on the train early. I felt like I was being sped against my will, back to society, to obligation, to the machine. I also started to feel sad about this girl, who I felt a strong connection to, who I would inevitably have to part ways with.

When we finally got back to town, starting to unpack and sort out gear, I was hit with the news that a friend and coworker, about the same age as me, had died recently. I'd worked with her for a couple of years now. We didn't hang out all that much outside of work, but we'd had many a long conversation before. This was a wake up for me in a sense; a sort of reality check about life and loss.

I had a day to rest/relax, then I had to travel south for a weekend for a placement I am doing for school. In comparison to my recent experiences, this weekend seemed to be lacking in the emotional richness and deep experiences of the past weeks, so there isn't really much to say about it.

Two nights ago I did Mushrooms for the second time. I had many insights into life and reality which can't properly be described with our limited language, so I'll leave it at that.

But now, here I am back in a city that I think of as a ghost town. There is very little to connect to here, I feel. Its hard to find people/places where my "language" is spoken. I am on a certain wavelength, a frame of mind and heart that is uncommon around here. I feel like my experience is sitting and waiting, kind of drifting from day to day.

Its alright! I accept things as they are. It is where and when I am. It feels tragic and frustrating in a way, but its alright to feel this way. It is part of the process on the road of life.

Still I interact with the sacred. I do this through music, through poems and art. I intend to grow. I intend to help others grow, if they are willing to.

I feel as though my recent experiences are all somehow connected...as if I am being led somewhere.