Eden's Journey through the Golden Door of Renewal

Eden is the manager and editor of the Women’s Wisdom Circle, and is co-writing Dance of Liberation, the book, with Parashakti. The following is a transcript of what transpired for her as Parashakti was guiding her through the Golden Door of Spring ritual. The full details of this ritual are available in the previous post should you desire to complete it for yourself.

Letting Go

I am letting go of old paradigms, beliefs and tendencies that represent a former self that no longer serve me as I enter into the next phase of my life. I am letting go of all the protection(s) that I used to hold as a single woman, part of which were helpful to develop at the time and part of which were just wounds from my past. So I am letting go of the behaviors that came out of that that don’t serve me in my walk as a wife and in my upcoming (current) walk as a mother.

I am letting go of those shackles, or shoes. I thank those shoes for getting me here thus far and I’ll leave my feet bare so that I can step into new shoes. That is physically, mentally, emotionally – in terms of even how I walk in business, whether it be in writing or shea butter or whatever.

So I’d like to plant the seeds for a new beginning and a new way that honors where my highest self is right now.

I only own 4 pairs of shoes, two closed ones, some Teva sandals and a pair of flip flops. All of them are old and were purchased at discount stores. So none of them are precious.

The Tevas keep coming to mind. They got stained with paint in a service project (repainting the mikvah in the community in which I live) – which is a cleansing energy – so I find it interesting that I am being instructed to give those away.

Surprisingly, what is actually coming up are two pairs of shoes. The pair that I first mentioned – the Tevas, are rugged and stained from service. The path that I’ve walked over the past decade or so has been rugged – and more service oriented. I’ve chosen to do things that are different from my family. My family – they are all professionals. And here I am, living this life which is very modest, rugged and service oriented.

So I’ve chosen to walk something that’s a little bit rougher. Or life has chosen that to happen. I feel like I couldn’t do anything else without making myself sick. I thank the shoes for getting me through that rugged path. But I also see in that a certain level of maybe attachment to suffering where I have not – because of self-worth issues or whatever the story is – where I haven’t created a good balance of how I cultivate the seeds I sow and how I give and receive energy. There has also been a bit of a self-sabotaging archetype that I picked up along the way.

None of these things are going to be productive for me in my new future once I walk through that door. I’m choosing to let all of that go.

What else is coming up is some years ago I worked for this one woman in town, who bless her heart is really amazing in so many ways, but was really a tyrannical boss. I remember buying the second pair of shoes to wear to work because she pretty much goaded me into buying these shoes (she was complaining about me having the heat on – even though she had asked me to keep it at a comfortable temperature for her clientele – winter – and then said because I didn’t have appropriate shoes is why I was so cold. And that she didn’t want to have a high heating bill because of that – my inadequate shoes that is.)

I did have my victim template so I invited that energy to some degree. However on the flip side there had been a string of employees before me who had either quit or been fired - not to mention – someone who came after I left who also quit for the same reasons. In retrospect it became very clear to me that it was only my low self worth issues that had allowed me to stay in such a clearly degrading work situation.

Now there is a part of me that is trying to reason “Oh I only have four pairs of shoes, and I don’t want to throw away a perfectly good pair of shoes or pay for new shoes.” These shoes are not even precious. They are $20.00 shoes from Payless. I could easily go down to Nogales and get another pair of shoes. What’s the big deal? It’s not a pair of designer shoes.

So there is that mentality of not trusting that there is enough for me or attachment to poverty. On the flip side - I am thankful for of the resilience that has allowed me to walk the rugged path for so long.

So by choosing to let go of both pairs of shoes – which both represent old unwanted energy – I am trusting that the Universe will provide me with a new pair of shoes.

The two shoes also represent to me the multiple roles we play on the path. It’s not just one role. And the two shoes together are like characters in a play. Each character has a different role and different costume – and if you are going to let go – you have to release the whole play – you can’t just let go of one character and think that something big is going to change.

I called in my allies. I called in my spiritual teacher, both my grandmothers, and the Hawk – which is my animal guide. I thank my Tevas which I got on sale at Ross for being so amazingly rugged and being able to walk over all kinds of thorns and stones on the rugged terrain in which I live as well as being great for the weather. The Tevas represent my own inner warrior that is able to do really rough things when called upon to do so. As I thank the shoes for that I also understand that I don’t need to wear those shoes all the time. That character trait is already in me. I don’t have to now become a slave to the shoes. I can just call upon that character trait when the terrain is looking kind of challenging, and go within to pick it up. I don’t have to hold myself to a certain pattern.

I’d also like to thank my second pair of shoes that taught me something else. My husband suggested I quit my job, even though we definitely could have used the money, because he became tired of seeing me so beat up all the time. He said “We can survive on my salary alone. We don’t need the money that badly to put up with all of this. Is it worth it?”

So that incident and consequently those shoes represent that I do have friends. I do have allies and that I can call upon them when I need to. In fact I think the very next day after I quit I got a freelance web writing gig for a friend that paid my exact salary for that first month that I wasn’t working. But I had to quit first in order for that to come in. So just understanding that level of being provided for and not selling or compromising myself for survival (what Carolyn Myss calls the Prostitute Archetype.)

Those shoes are also very comfortable because I used to stand so much in my job. So they also represent the comfort of being provided for and protected by my circle of loved ones that this life has drawn in for me.

Entering the Golden Door

What comes up for me is a path, a made path in a high desert or savannah sort of a setting. Not completely smooth – a little pebbly – I am barefoot – it does smooth. I approach the door (which is more of an arch because the whole thing is outdoors) and it is like bent wooden boughs, adorned with white flowers. Two people at the arch are there to greet me as I walk through.

One is Parashakti and the other is my spiritual teacher. It is a collective ceremony. Others are there too who are also going through ceremony. We are all dressed in white. I pass through ther arch and go and sit with others who have already arrived and are gathered by the fire – talking, singing and drumming. It feels very joyous – like a wedding.

I receive an energetic download more so than a practical or instructional one. In it I feel a great sense of belonging – like I am with peers – with family – with friends. It feels like the end of Spirit Dance or of sweat lodge when you are with the circle and you feel bonded for having gone through a rite of passage together.

I feel that what spirit was conveying to me was the need to feel a sense of belonging with my peer group and not to undervalue what I can share or contribute. That it is part of the collective group energy. And that it’s as important as what every person in the group is sharing.

So to really be more consistent about reaching out to that peer group – connecting with people and connecting people within that peer group. Like you said being a conduit – sharing messages of bringing different healers together – or students and teachers together – to embrace that more fully without holding back.

There are two elders that I don’t recognize (they feel familiar though) that are opening up an actual door. It is a door that is off to the side. Other people are opening their own doors. The elders direct me through this door.

They don’t go in with me they just open it for me standing on either side of the door the same way my spiritual teacher and Parashakti greeted me at the Gateway of Renewal (the outermost door to this ceremony)

I am led to a room (yes I know it’s outside – but somehow there’s a room and hey it’s Spirit – so Spirit can do anything) and in it I sit and women are coming in. Some one by one and others in groups of two of four. But sort of sequentially and alone.

It almost looks like they are coming in for counseling or something – but they are all coming in through that door that was opened for me and the room that I was ushered into.

What is the message here?

I need to embrace more my role of counseling and teaching other women – which I am always scared and reluctant to do – but there I am doing it with confidence. And it is very formal. It is not even metaphorical or anything like that. The message is still very self explanatory.

In my mind’s eye I dance through and release my resistance.

The old energy felt like a layer of restriction - like a teenage girl in a really strict boarding school where there’s all kinds of rules, expectations and conditioning etc. That’s what it felt like. It also felt like it was within me. It wasn’t just outside – it was coming from inside too.

Whereas the new energy feels like “I have no idea what this will look like. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m just surrendering and taking a chance.” There is no self-consciousness or self-restriction. There is no doubt that I should be doing what I’m doing. I just get a message or directive from Spirit and I just follow it without questioning how it’s going to pan out. I just feel freer – like I can be myself.

I will be bundling those pairs of shoes together and I will find something from my wardrobe that I will cut up to wrap them in. I will give it away in the form of offering it to the garbage for safe returning to the earth.

What is being shown to me are the shoes again. Most of us walk everyday, at least a little bit, unless we can’t. And even then we move somehow – even if it is moving in a wheelchair or on a bed – we engage in some kind of movement.

Now for me I realize that it is probably going to be easier than for most women because now after this ceremony I only own two pairs of shoes. However as I put on the shoes I have chosen to keep and I replace the old shoes I think that it is going to be important to actually go out and buy a new pair of shoes.

Even if you need to go to the Thrift Store to do it, or some super cheap shop or if you can afford something really luxurious – go for it. Just don’t talk yourself out of it. As I buy new shoes and as I wear the shoes that I’ve chosen to keep that still serve me I allow the daily act of putting shoes on to be an anchor – that is a reminder of the ceremony and embracing the new journey.

So every time we put our shoes on to leave the house – or even in the house – say how is what I’m doing now serving my new walk. It’s just a continual reminder to the old self. Because as we move away from the ceremony we can be tempted to slip back to the old ways. But a daily reminder really helps to embrace the new way, consciously, on a daily basis until it becomes as Parashakti likes to say part of the language of your soul.

So as you put your shoes on to go to say an interview – for a job that represents your old path – or will you choose instead to go to the internet café or career center or wherever to look for a new job that is more in alignment with your new path.

What are you shopping for at the grocery store? What books are you buying? What friends are you choosing to associate with? When you leave the house and by the act of putting your shoes on it can become an intention that you set every day.

Where are you walking in your shoes? How are you walking? Everyone (well at least most people) have a day off that is for unwinding for them. So maybe pick a day like that to go and buy your shoes. And do it alone. Do it mindfully. Don’t make it a girlfriends shopping trip. You’ll have plenty of time for that another day. Just make a special day of it.

I feel good. I feel renewed and invigorated to walk my new walk.

Several weeks after completing this ritual I picked up a new client, launched a new website and months later have had major breakthroughs in my relationship with my husband as we prepare for the arrival of our first child.